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Student Loans

Eric is all about paying off debt. I see debt differently. It’s a necessary evil. I mean, who pays for houses and cars, or college, in cash? Even if you have it… credit history is necessary. I’m all about paying more than the required payment, and never carrying a balance on credit cards, but debt in general does not give me anxiety. Ha, maybe one of the few things that doesn’t! Anyway, yesterday we paid off the last 20k of my student loans. Somehow it doesn’t feel nearly as thrilling as I expected. In fact, I’ve wanted new furniture for our lower level for awhile now. I’d rather have spent the money that way.

In other news, this morning, of all mornings, Eric decided to trade in his monstrously-sized suv for something more sensible since he drives many miles commuting each week. I wonder what he’ll arrive home with later today…

So it’s just me and the girls. So far I’ve yelled, ‘get your fingers outta your butt’ and ‘wash your hands’ more times than I can count today. Nadia is working on potty training… It’s going well, except she tells me constantly she has to go, thus begins another 20 minute session of her alternating between sitting on the potty and running around the house naked…

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When I was in college I had goals… a clear path planned. Classes to complete, graduation, find job, etc. Then my masters. Then it was marriage. Then kids. I’m feeling lost these days, wondering my purpose. Yes, I get raising my beautiful daughters is my job right now… but that is such an open idea, so broad… I live day to day with plans like, wash the sheets and made a frozen meal for a new mommy friend. Not very exciting! And certainly not very fulfilling when accomplished. Other SAHMs, what are you goals? Dreams for the coming weeks, years? How do you define accomplishment?

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For those of you familiar with MOPs, my group in town started today with our first meeting of the semester. And it was wonderful to meet the ladies at my new table this year. But it was also awful and depressing. I swear half the moms brought new-born babies. All adorable. All sleeping so sweetly in their car seats. With Nadia being two now I’m feeling more pressure to decide about our frozen embryo. But seeing these healthy full-term infants made me realize that can never be me. And that’s so hard for me to wrap my head around.

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Nadia – Another Holter Monitor

Another visit to the U today… this time to Ped’s Cadiology for Nadia. She had a, as in one, episode of SVT in the NICU, and two years later we are STILL going for checks. It seems a bit of overkill to me, but… I’m not the expert I guess. The first year of her life we gave her medication four times a day. FOR A YEAR. Thank God we are pass that. Today’s visit was another EKG, which looked good, and another holter monitor for 24 hours. Which she is now old enough to yank off herself! The cardiologist said if all is well on the monitor, we’ll be released from his care. WOOHOO!

I know I shouldn’t complain, I have two healthy girls. Things could be so much harder with two preemies, but the appointments are getting old. I’m still waiting on results from Nora’s last immunology visit. And I just remembered this morning that Nadia is due for another high-risk follow-up clinic visit, and Nora is due for another hearing test related to her meningitis.

Sitting in the Pediatric Specialty Clinic waiting area today… I was reminded how much harder life could be with special needs children. I often wonder why I was blessed with two healthy children, considering their rough entries into the world, but so many other parents were not as blessed. Luck? My girls don’t require any special care. What if they did? Would I be able to handle it myself, parenting alone so often? And then I think of our one remaining frozen embryo. What if… we transfer it? What if.. it doesn’t survive, doesn’t even implant? Or does, but doesn’t survive? Or does but is born too early, much earlier than our girls? The uncertainly terrifies me.

On our way to Nadia’s Cardiology appointment!
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Nadia’s 2nd Birthday Party

I survived yesterday. But not without waking with a second cold sore. A visual sign from my body of the anxiety my MIL causes… I personally think she acted a bit odd at the party, hanging out in our lower lever for a portion of the party. Maybe her way of getting the children to herself, I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t care. I made a bit of small talk with her, but only because I was forced as we were both seated at the table eating together at one point. Toward the end when she was preparing to leave I did see her attempts at getting pictures with my children. I assume so she could post on Facebook for the appearance of her actually being a caring grandmother. Which annoys me to no end since I know the real her, the one who could care less about my children until it comes to posing on Facebook as the perfect family.

The party overall was really fun. It was great to see my family and Eric’s brother and wife and kids who made the trip here driving six hours in the car with two little ones. Bless their hearts. We don’t get to see them nearly enough, so it was extra special to have them here. I took a million pictures but you know how that is, like five turned out, with kids actually looking at the camera, with no beer bottles in the background!

I honestly can’t believe Nadia is two. I feel like it was just yesterday she was born and I was in disbelief at another NICU stay. The past two years have been hard on me, raising two little ladies only 15 months apart. I dream of the day they are a bit more independent, especially given how often I parent alone. Eric is off this week, and thank God! As I’m exhausted from cleaning and preping for the party!

Did I mention wanting to put in a real child-sized potty in the girls’ bathroom? Well, it was a special order and finally arrived! I can’t wait, hopefully Eric can get it in tomorrow. The past few days Nadia has really advanced with potty-training. Like literally all the sudden she says potty, and if I take off her diaper and pants she will go into the bathroom, alone, and emerge a bit later, so show me the poop and pee in the potty. Yeah, I can’t believe it either. Nora STILL won’t poop in the potty, although is pretty much trained otherwise, well, except overnight we still have some accidents.

Well, I should go finish cleaning up the kitchen from the party and get the girls down for a nap. Happy Sunday!