I haven’t written in a really long time. So much going on, you would think I’d want to get my feelings out, or at least document life. But… I don’t know. With a very long to do list most days, this sometimes felt like one more to do.
First, our surrogacy journey. Our current agency, ARR, which is located in Chicago, IL, and was only really our agency because it was the only one our fertility clinic would work with… has been acquired by KindBody or KindEOS or something. Which to my understanding is a large corporate surrogacy agency. I know very little after them. But I also know that the communication they have sent us lately, about this transition to the new company, has been anything but organized. The would send us one thing, demand we sign new documents, require thousands and thousands more dollars, and then the next day send another email that said all that was wrong and there is a new policy that applies to us instead. They seem like they have no freaking clue what’s going on. Which is not how you want to feel when you’re thinking of having someone CARRY A BABY FOR YOU! So we are cutting ties with them and seeking out some new options with an agency in Iowa. So far all I’ve done is fill out their initial application and we’re in the process of scheduling a phone call with them for next week, I think. So much money and time wasted. But such is life.
Valentine’s Day was yesterday. And can you believe I didn’t take a single picture of my girls and all the ‘things’ we did to celebrate?? Clearly I need to set my camera out and make a point to take some darn photos. But I guess at least I can say I’m living in the moment, and not behind my phone. The girls wanted a fancy dinner, and to them, fancy meant something similar to Thanksgiving. But since a whole turkey takes awhile to cook, we did a chicken instead, but still with potatoes and gravy, dressing, brussels sprouts, rolls, fruits and veggies, and an ice cream cake from Cold Stone for dessert. Nadia ate well. Nora demanded mac and cheese. I have no idea how to get that child to branch out and eat more healthy foods. If feeding therapy way back when didn’t help her, is there any hope?
Which brings me to how the girls are doing. And I’m happy to admit, incredibly well! But… I contribute it to the ton of hard work I do every single freaking day to get their supplements and medications into them. And it’s exhausting. Seriously. Most night as I’m spending 30 minutes or more getting everything ready for them to take I just want to cry. To give up. This is so hard. The time, the money, the organization, it is all so much. But I do believe it’s working. Along with a lot of other things, like filtering water, filtering air, cutting out as many toxins as possible… And the Neurofeedback! Nora has had 26 sessions now and is doing so well. Nadia has only done 13 I think. She is harder, younger, and doesn’t want to sit still as much, obviously. But we’re getting there, slowly but surely.
My business, The Mended Mind, is doing so well! I’m busy, as busy as I can possibly be, as busy as I really want to be. And making money! Which is great. It is. But my goal was never to make money. It was to help people. Which I am. I’ve been really conflicted this week though. Someone I rented a system to wants in on my business. And I’m not sure how I feel about this. She saw great results and thinks it’s amazing. I mean, it is. I wouldn’t have started this venture if I didn’t really believe that. But this person who wants in, I don’t understand how they can be in… I don’t need investors. I don’t need employees. I’ve got it all under control in the means I want it under control. My first and only concern has always been to help people, but I don’t believe this person’s first concern is the same. I think it’s money. And that is not where I want to head this business. Pay off the systems, yes, but not to get rich. I fear she doesn’t understand my back story, my years of heartache with my daughters, which led me here, why I even got into this. I fear she just wants to take my years of research and run with her own ideals and her own benefit in mind. I see no way for her to benefit me. Am I looking at this wrong? Well, how would you know, without knowing the whole story. But I don’t even understand her whole story. It just doesn’t feel good. And I get it’s business. Anyone could start this same business, just as I did… But if they start their own, that’s their business. My business is based on helping people. Period. I’m just feeling torn, like someone is crowding in on me. Does that make sense? So I’m feeling lost. And maybe even a little sad that someone would turn helping people into money.