The anger seems to be never ending. And don’t they say anger is a normal, natural reaction? Well, I have news for them, whoever they are, it sure doesn’t feel very normal or natural.
Eric was home this weekend. I was so excited for his arrival Friday night as I chilled on the couch with Kona. He texted around 7 and asked if I wanted him to pick up Pokie Stix. Um, of course I did! I actually had been craving them all day, it’s like he read my mind! Fifty minutes later in he walked, stix in hand, and flowers!
Fast forward, it’s Sunday evening. Eric left roughly two hours ago to drive back to Mason City. After he left I was sad, so of course, what do I do when I’m sad? I shop, for meaningless items. Back home now and Eric just called. He is stuck behind a bad accident about 65 miles from Mason City. He said the roads are fine for a bit, and then whiteout, and thus is considering finding a hotel as soon as the accident is cleared and the traffic starts moving again. I feel guilty he came home this weekend to see me, and now is forced to deal with this blizzard, as the weather people are calling it. I fear he is angry he came home, I fear he thinks the trip to see me wasn’t worth this awful drive back.
So here I sit, angry. I’m angry the University requires him to spend four months of his life over two hours away from me. I’m angry we’ve seen each other roughly four days a month during this rotation. I’m angry this has been difficult on our marriage. I’m angry he’s not here to help with the simple things. I’m angry this forces me to do so much alone. I’m angry when I see other families out shopping, and sure, it’s just buying groceries, but isn’t life about the little things you do together?
I’m angry Eric won’t be here for my appointment Thursday afternoon, where they will teach me all about the IVF injections. I’m angry I’ll have to give these shots to myself, without his help. I’m angry he won’t be here if I feel sick, or scared, or frustrated. I’m angry so many people get to make babies the fun way, but not us. I’m angry when I hear others complain they didn’t see their husband one night for dinner. I’ve had dinner with Eric twice this month, and this month is almost over! So, I know it could be worse, that many families have it worse, but frankly, knowing that doesn’t make me feel one bit less angry.
So I’ll try to make the best of tonight, and pray Eric makes it back to Mason City, or to a hotel for the evening, safely. And I’ll get up tomorrow and try not to be so angry. I’ll try…