My decision to share with family has been trying, to say the least. Why is it more difficult to share this story with those closest to me? Many of you I consider very close friends, but I must reveal that not a single family member, besides Eric, is aware of this blog. (Unless they stumbled across it, but I highly doubt that!) Am I cheating them somehow, telling the story of their family member and leaving them out? They know the basics, that Eric and I have been unsuccessful with other interventions and are proceeding with IVF, but they do not know the details nor my feelings surrounding this process. And even the basics were only shared with my mother and sister and a few other immediate family members on Eric’s side.
My reason for not sharing details and this blog with family is complicated. And to truly explain, I’d probably need to provide details about their lives, details I’m not sure they want shared with the world, well, at least not by me. I’ll try to explain though, I pray without invading their privacy and losing their trust.
I’ve been told my grandmother on my father’s side of the family had difficulty conceiving. My father and his younger sister, just two in the family, are ten years apart, obviously suggesting some difficulty. These issues were not revealed or spoke of though, so I can’t say if any intervention was used, although based on the time (the 1950s), I can only assume nature somehow prevailed for my grandmother.
My aunt on my father’s side of the family, that sister who was born ten years after my father, has no children. Again, no open conversations amongst family members took place, not that I’m aware of anyway, but suspicions of infertility issues for her and her first husband abound.
My mother and father had no issues conceiving my older sister or me, which makes me wonder if the issues are strictly female related on my father’s side of the family… I’ve questioned my OB/GYN and infertility specialist countless times and always receive the same answer… ‘Infertility is not hereditary, as those families would cease to exist’. Well I have news for them, this family’s biological offspring may very well cease to exist very soon!
Sharing my sister’s story is difficult for me, as it’s not my story to tell, although seems to play a significant role in my quest for children. It’s no secret my sister and her husband adopted two beautiful children, Ryan and Olivia, both born within the US. I won’t share the issues my sister and her husband experienced, as I don’t know all the details, but I do know some intervention was used, although not IVF, yet still they were unsuccessful. Growing up and even through the first several years of college my sister and I were close, but we’ve certainly grown apart in past years. I can only assume infertility has taken a toll on her and changed her relationship with our family forever. I’ve yet to speak directly to my sister about my experience, although I know some information is filtered to her through my mother. I fear my sister’s failure in conceiving will ultimately be Eric’s and my fate as well… Hard to not assume when looking back, as I see so many issues on my father’s side of the family.
One of the hardest parts of this journey so far is the not knowing the reason for our apparent infertility. As much as I would probably hate to be told something is truly wrong with Eric or me, if we don’t know what’s wrong, how do we fix it?
As scared as I am for tomorrows appointment, it’s one step closer. One day at a time…