I actually wrote this entry last week, but didn’t post it out of fear. Let me try to explain…
I’m usually quite a rational person. In fact, sometimes probably too rational. I’ve been told I’m negative, but I see myself as more realistic. That said, some interesting thoughts have popped into my head during the past almost two years now. Sometimes quite hurtful thoughts toward others, and I want to believe that its my own way of dealing with the jealously and hurt of wanting something I haven’t been able to have… I realize many of my thoughts, perhaps those below, may sound cruel and shallow. Many are probably unsubstantiated,but regardless, they are my thoughts and feelings, and if I can’t share them here, well… I want to share them here, that was the entire purpose of this blog. I hope you can understand…
I fear I’m turning into one of those angry, bitter people.
I arrived at work today and the first person I saw was the male coworker who went on and on and on way back when about how trying to get pregnant is going to be so fun and it doesn’t matter how long it takes and blah blah blah. Remember that post? Yeah, him. I see him first thing almost every morning. His office is the first inside the finance department, so it’s difficult not to see him, and he arrives at work crazy early, why, I have no idea. Anyway, as I walked past his office area this morning he asked if I’d watched the Bachelor Women Tell All episode last night, which I hadn’t. The show bores me really, as come on, falling in love in Belize in some castle is not reality! (Side note, this particular coworker also asks me DAILY if I’m pregnant, so I’ve now gone into a constant state of annoyance with him.) So being I’m in this constant state of annoyance with him, I shot back a slightly rude, ‘no, I don’t have time to watch that crap’. And of course he had to say, ‘why the hell not, you don’t have kids’?
Why does everyone assume that just because I don’t have kids I have tons of free time??? Do they think I just go home and sit on my couch and stare into space and long for a child? Okay, maybe some evenings, but I do have a life! I was busy last night, invoicing a few neighbors who can’t seem to find $200 a year to help cover maintenance fees on our pond. Ugh, I really need to get off that board.
So yes, my day started off crappy. And I saw on Facebook a friend of Eric’s announced their second pregnancy, another girl. Seriously, is everyone I know freaking pregnant?? I should be happy and excited for them, and I’m really trying to be, but I’m failing. I’m angry, and jealous, and pissed it’s not me. They already have one child, why can’t God share the love and allow Eric and me to have one?
Warning: If you’ve had a miscarriage, you may want to stop reading at this point, as I’ll probably offend you. I don’t mean to offend anyone, but just trying to be honest with my feelings, which was the original point of this blog. If I can’t be honest… well, just please understand, as I’m not sure if I’ve truly worded these feelings accurately. The next paragraph stemmed from a conversation at work with a newer coworker who made a comment about how she had a miscarriage years ago. For reference, she has two healthy children now and considers herself finished growing her family.
I’m so frustrated by those who had a miscarriage and automatically assume they understand infertility. Now, I realize many infertiles have struggled with multiple miscarriages and extremely traumatic loses along their journey, those are not who I’m referring to here. I’m specifically speaking of those who are perhaps finished having children, they have their perfect family, just as they always dreamed, but perhaps experienced a miscarriage along the way. First let me say, I cannot understand the loss they experienced, and I am in no way downplaying the significant loss they experienced. Since I have never experienced such a loss, I will not pretend I understand. All I’m asking here, is please do not compare your experience with mine. If you’re able to hold your child at night, or are planning the birth of your child now, you’ve obviously made it past the point I so fear I will never reach. I fear, more than anything, that I will never see those two lines on a home pregnancy test. I fear I will never get to experience the love I’m told only a mother can feel for her child. If you have experienced this, you do not understand infertility from my eyes.