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Moving Ahead

I’m upset. I ate a little of everything I could find in the house.

I emailed my RE doc this morning, explaining that we, yes we, remember their letter to me, expected my period last weekend. Almost a week ago now, and still nothing. I specifically asked if I should continue waiting, and if so, how long I should wait until we take some sort of action. In my email I mentioned the negative HPT yesterday morning.

I thought I was doing well, I didn’t take a test this morning. But instead I broke down and emailed the doc. Was that better or worse?

Just as I was leaving work I received an email back from a nurse. My doc had called an Rx in for Provera with directions to take one, 10mg pill, daily until I get my period, and then to start my BCPs. The pharmacy mentioned was not one I normally use, so I emailed back quick asking it to be sent to UIHC instead. A few moments passed and my phone rang; it was the nurse explaining that the UIHC pharmacy was closing soon and thus they picked another pharmacy in town that had more convenient hours.

I took advantage of having an IVF clinic nurse on the phone… I asked her if it’s possible I could be pregnant and while she didn’t say no, she answered with something similar to, it’s okay to have hope, and if you want to wait until Monday to start the pills, that’s okay too.

Do they really have that little faith in my body? That apparently there is no possibility of us getting pregnant on our own? I felt slapped in the face.

I had been on my way home from work when the nurse called, so I detoured to the pharmacy to get the latest addition to my drug buffet. (It’s really something!) The prescription wasn’t quite ready when I arrived so I browsed the store and decided maybe I need to focus on something other than having babies. This constant want of a child is just too much sometimes. I picked up three magazines devoted to architecture. Two detailed dream-home floor plans, and the third was a consumer reports supplement on home appliances. I’m fairly certain the magazines were close to $40 bucks, as my 10 pills were only $0.62. Thank goodness for insurance, the one bright spot in my day.

While at the pharmacy, I also picked up a pack of two First Response HPTs, which I happened to remember are twice as sensitive as the ClearBlue Digital I have been using. Call me completely nuts, but there was a part of me that wanted one more test, just to make sure, as the pharmacist specifically mentioned Provera is not to be used during pregnancy. But of course, same result.

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So tonight I will take a pill to force a period and browse gorgeous homes as possibilities to build in Cedar Falls. Yes, I will have those seven bedrooms and eight bathrooms, but perhaps no children to fill them. Damn the luck.

Tomorrow afternoon I’m hosting a baby shower for a dear, sweet friend. And I love her. And I am excited for her. But is it okay to admit I am now anxious about holding myself together tomorrow? I’m jealous, I’ll admit it. And I don’t know how to get over those feelings. And to make matters worse, I’m fairly certain one of the guests is bringing her new baby.

I just don’t get why it can’t be me.

10 thoughts on “Moving Ahead

  1. I’m sorry, doll. Just one step at a time, sometimes with a metric ton of chocolate and wine.

    1. Yes, there was some chocolate. And I have a feeling there will be more tomorrow!

  2. I’m sorry, dear. Sending hugs your way.

    1. Thank you… I guess it was silly of me to think we could be pregnant on our own this month 🙁

      1. Not silly at all. I was the same way in November. My period was a few days late and I so wanted to be one of those people whose blog I read that got pregnant on their own right before IVF. It would have been so perfect.

        1. But then I wouldn’t have been able to experience those huge needles in my behind. This way will be way more fun in the end!

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          1. Haha! A fellow employer of sarcasm. Good stuff 🙂

  3. Hey sweets–I’m jealous that you’re ready to build your dream home! But totally bummed that this cycle appears to be a bust. For what it’s worth, I’m hosting a bridal shower for a friend that has had 5 abortions–she’s getting married in a month and planning to ttc immediately, and she may end up pregnant before me. You bet your sweet ass I will NOT be hosting the baby shower. Alas, what else can we do? XOXO

    1. Houses can’t make us happy. I guess I’m just using that as a distraction right now.

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