It occurred to me this morning… Most, if not all of my posts, come across as complaints, as me feeling sorry for myself. Let me assure you, that was not my intention when this blogging idea started. My original purpose was as a therapeutic release, a way to get my feelings out. Most days I write for myself, not for whoever may or may not be reading, but for me, more as a diary to document this process and explore my emotions. (And won’t it be fun to look back in ten years??)
I do feel sorry for myself most days, frustrated and angry too, but the realistic side of my brain recognizes the unhealthy repercussions. (Remember when I realized I didn’t need the shrink?) A part of me wants to think it’s normal to feel jealousy toward others who have ‘things’ we want but don’t… But weren’t we taught acting out on those feelings of jealousy is wrong? I seem to remember a particular religion class… but I’ll save religion for a separate post, it deserves its own space.
I’ve received several private messages of support. And honestly, I can’t even begin to tell you how touched I am by your kind and encouraging words. I’m always left hoping I reciprocate the love and support equally in the friendship, although often I fear I don’t, that perhaps I’m too caught up in my own ‘issues’.
Yes, there is a purpose to this post, I’m getting to it… Although I’m having a difficult time finding the words…
I guess what I’m trying to say is, please don’t feel sorry for me. I fear I have portrayed this struggle far worse than it truly is… I mean, yes, I’m not going to lie, this journey has been extremely difficult for me, but I’m trying to keep things in perspective and realize that there is still so much good in my life, so much that I need to be thankful for.
In several of the private messages I received it was mentioned that you can’t possibly understand what I’m going through, or that it doesn’t compare to your personal struggles. But you know what? We all have our struggles, and they are all difficult. God doesn’t give us more than we can handle… Our struggles may be different, but they are all significant.
I think I wrote once before on the positives in my life, but I want to reflect back on those again, as I truly am grateful for all I’ve been blessed with in my life…
I have a wonderful husband and marriage. And no, I’m not just saying that. We have our ups and downs, but Eric is there for me, he’s supportive, and he truly strives to make me happy. We spend a lot of time apart these days, due to his work commitments, but I’m hopeful his long hours now will pay off in the long run. (Did I mention he left for work before 5AM this morning and he still isn’t home? It’s 8:40PM!)
So far they haven’t actually found any medical reason for our infertility struggles, which is good. Sometimes issues are discovered along the way though, like perhaps after our egg retrieval or during fertilization, but hopefully any problems we run into won’t hinder our ultimate goal of biological children.
Eric and I have been blessed with satisfying careers. Eric is truly looking forward to finishing residency and establishing a private practice in the Waterloo/Cedar Falls area. I’m excited for new opportunities and to finally figure out what makes me tick, hopefully before I’m ready to retire! Lately I’m been struggling with this whole 8-5, Monday-Friday desk job… More on that in a separate post…
My family, especially my mom, is truly a gift. I’ll admit, I was hesitant to share this blog with family, but I’m happy I did. I want her to know the story behind the creation of her grandchildren.
I have so many supportive friends. I realize sometimes I completely suck at making time for all of you, but I really do appreciate you. Is there some class I can take on how to make time for everyone important to me????
So don’t feel sorry for me… I have so many good things in my life, and while I tend to complain that this process is difficult, these struggles won’t last forever. And I’m really going to work on my jealousy. How, I have no idea, but I’m going to try! I need to remember that while other’s lives can sometimes look easy on the outside, the reality is not always so.
And on a positive note… I took my medication last night immediately before bed and slept awesome, through the yucky feelings! I was EXTREMELY tried again today, but it could just be because I can’t seem to get my behind in bed early enough to allow for more than six hours sleep each night! Maybe that’s why I’m always in a bad mood 😉