Lots of stuff in my head today…
I stayed home from work yesterday as I wasn’t feeling well. Why do I feel soooooo guilty?
I woke up with a terrible sore throat. I actually tend to get strep throat quite often, so my first thought was that, and since I realize it’s contagious I normally try to see a doc ASAP when I feel it coming on. Being I wasn’t feeling the greatest, I skipped my morning workout, again lots of guilt, but I was just plain exhausted from not much sleep the previous four days. So I emailed my boss that I was going to rest a bit and try to come in later in the afternoon if I was feeling better. I reset my alarm and went back to sleep.
Apparently I’d set my alarm for PM not AM, as I woke around 11:30AM when my phone alerted me of a new email, my boss telling me just to take the day to rest if I needed it. So I climbed out of bed, found my glasses, and proceeded to get comfortable on the couch in front of the TV. The day proceeded as such.
So the guilt I feel… Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I feel like I have to workout five days a week, otherwise I’ve failed? When I first joined Kosama I was going five days a week, but now it’s more like three, but that’s still 180 minutes a week of fairly hard-core training. Not to mention it takes place at 5AM, therefore my sleep is seriously compromised these days. Isn’t three days a week enough?
And why do I feel like I need to work when I don’t feel well? My position is flexible, and I obviously wouldn’t take a sick day unless I was on my death-bed if it compromised my commitments at work… But often I feel like calling in sick is a sign of weakness. Eric hasn’t called in sick, not one day, in his entire residency. He’s gone to work throwing up, as they expect him to be there, no matter what! Does calling in sick give the impression I’m not dedicated to my work? Because I feel I am. But I value my health too. Where is the line?
I have two more days of the progesterone pills to take, tonight and Sunday night, and I can’t wait to be finished with those. And I can almost hear my pregnant friends saying, just you wait till you’re pregnant… A part of me feels weak, that if I’m feeling exhausted from these pills, how will I ever handle pregnancy. That I have no right to complain when my pregnant friends are experiencing so much more, so much that is harder on their bodies. But another part of me wants to scream, the way you got pregnant is normal! Pumping my body pull of artificially manufactured hormones is not normal! Forcing my body to get a period when it doesn’t want to isn’t normal! Stopping the Lupron mid-cycle wasn’t normal! Making two years of mature eggs in one cycle isn’t normal! For once I just want something to be normal!
But this is not normal, and apparently it isn’t going to be normal for me and Eric.
So how do I know if I can handle pregnancy, if God willing, I ever actually make it to that point? How am I going to find a way to disregard the exhaustion of having a newborn and carry on with my days? Do we just find a way to do what we have to do? Am I weak? Or am I really just being too hard on myself?
I’ve been reading several other infertility blogs, and I love the information I gather from these ladies! One was recently discussing sleep and how important it is for our bodies to function normally. Something about needing at least seven hours a night was mentioned, otherwise our hormones get out of sync… Hum, I rarely to never get seven hours of sleep a night. I’m normally in bed by 10PM, but my alarm goes off at 4:30AM, regardless if I workout or not, as I tend to decide in the morning based on how I’m feeling. That’s really only six hours, if that, by the time I’m sleeping. And since Eric gets up at 4:30AM regardless, I don’t really get any sleep after that, even if I stay in bed.
I was also reading some medical journals (our home office is full) talking about lack of sleep and weight gain. Some hormone, I forget the name now, is produced when your body is sleep deprived. The hormone causes hunger and cravings and thus leads to weight gain.
Below is a picture of my weight gain since November. I started the IVF drugs in January, which is when the graph jumps, so I have to think they are a contributing factor. And if this weight gain isn’t enough to cause stress, well, I don’t know what is. I’m trying to keep in mind this is all for a good cause, but I have to lose this weight at some point! And I assume I’ll gain another five pounds when I start the BCPs, which should be this week, I hope.
P.S. This app is awesome for tracking not just your weight, but body mass, percent of fat, and all sorts of other measures. The app is WeightGurus. I have the corresponding scale at home which eases the entry of data, but it looks as though you can manually enter if you have any scale that displays this data.