For the first time in my life I’ve had a difficult time focusing at work. And I have a few speculations as to why…
I can’t seem to get my mind off the IVF process, the next step, how long I have to wait to get to the next step, etc. Yes, I’m a freak This was previously established. Also, I’ve felt sick more in the past several months than I have in my entire life.
I’m quite the planner, as many of you are aware, and my calendar for April is really full. I find the need to check and recheck my calendar, make lists of items needing attention, double-check on hotel rooms, coordinate Kona’s playcare/boarding, etc. I like having a busy social life, but just a lot going on right now, and I want to make sure we’re prepared. Eric’s brother’s wedding is April 26th, and we have another visit with our realtor in Cedar Falls on the 12th. Lots to look forward to but stresses none the less.
Speaking of meeting with the realtor, yes, meeting with the realtor. I realize we have over a year until we actually need to move, but I’m already a bit nervous and anxious. Our realtor is super awesome, but I’m still feeling like most of the planning and coordinating will be on my shoulders. First step though, we need to decide if we are building, and if so, we need to start getting some ideas and buy a lot! Hopefully we’ll be able to narrow down our options next weekend. Or at least pick an area of town or neighborhood.
Eric picked his vacation last week for the next year and a half… How does that work?? Nothing like planning a trip for May of 2015. How far out are flights even booked??? He did manage to get a week off this coming August, so I really need to get researching and figure out where to go. The possibilities are endless… and overwhelming, as is everything in my life right now. I was in the Bahamas, oh gosh, ten years ago now I guess, and while there saw the Atlantis resort. I couldn’t afford to stay there then, but I’m thinking we could allocate resources now. Just an idea. If anyone has been, let me know your impression!
I think certain aspects of my particular job are causing me to lose a bit of interest these days… First, while I can’t say I’ve mastered my role, as do we ever, I have a fairly good grasp on the tasks and therefore they require less thought and attention than when I first started at the University.
Second, I sit at a desk all day. As in, all day. I do have some meetings, but they are few and far between compared to my position at Rockwell. I’m not gonna lie, sitting at a computer all day makes for long hours.
Third, I’m beginning to feel like my investment is fading away. Maybe those aren’t the right words… Eric and I have 455 more days at the University, but I damn well better have a child (or two) during that timeframe, which means I have closer to 365 if we assume I’ll take three months maternity leave. And depending on how long it takes to actually get pregnant, it may not be worth me coming back to work after leave, say if it’s like a month or two, or even three before we would move. I mean, is it worth finding daycare here for a few months? Is that logical?
So if I do have just roughly a year remaining here, well, hard to explain. I mean, I am dedicated, I am, I value my work and my reputation, but… Well, I can’t help but think any advancements or improvements I’m able to make in my current role may be lost, as I’ve learned most employees determine their own methods for completing assignments. Plus, my team is moving to a new location around the time Eric is set to finish, so of course I won’t be joining them in their new adventure. Feeling left out of that move isn’t exactly motivating me. Any remember how my boss is already training my coworkers to take over my duties??
I guess overall I’m beginning to feel a little disconnected. And granted, there are several girls at work who I personally think are amazing, and I have every intention of keeping in contact with them once we move, but on the whole, well, I guess what I’m trying to say is, this is a ‘now’ thing for me, and that’s something I’ve never dealt with before. And frankly, I don’t really know how to deal with… Me being a planner, well, how does one plan for now when the future is so unknown?