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6w

6 weeks today!  Am I really halfway through the first trimester already??  My weekly email from The Bump tells me baby is now the size of a sweet pea, about .25 inches.  Um… so why have I gained 2 lbs. this week???  Okay, fair, it could be the dark chocolate covered sea salt caramels.  I still haven’t noticed any of this so-called morning sickness, but I’ll remain thankful for the time being.  Just hoping it’s not a bad sign.  I’m still peeing a ton, although the past two nights I made it through without waking up.  Aw, sleep!  I do wake with an incredibly dry mouth though.  None of my pregnancy emails mentioned that.  I’ve been trying to drink more water, but perhaps I’m still not getting enough each day.

Still terrified baby isn’t growing properly.  I assume you’d all think I was crazy if I invested in more pregnancy tests, right?  I need some reassurance!  I don’t know how I can go to Thursday’s ultrasound not knowing if we’ll receive great or horrible news.

I had a good visit with my therapist yesterday. I know I’ve said this before, but I feel the need to say it again, she’s super awesome. Just more like a friend that truly listens and gives great advice than a therapist. We talked about several topics…

Pregnancy – Obviously this topic is stuck in my brain these days. In fact, it’s what I think about almost every waking minute. And probably my sleeping minutes too, if I could recall my dreams. We chatted about how scared I am for my ultrasound next Thursday, how I’m afraid they will discover our miracle isn’t viable. I shared my true fear though, that it’s not so much I would mourn the loss of this life, as since I’ve explained in the past, I don’t feel a connection to him or her yet. I would mourn the opportunity to have a child in January of 2015 though. We’ve been trying to get pregnant for almost two years now. It’s not like we can just lose our baby this month and try again next. IVF is extremely time intensive, even if we were successful next time, next time would be months if not half a year or more from now. That is truly what I fear.

Friendships – My therapist is famous for throwing in her own experiences as examples during our sessions, which I love. At one point in the conversation yesterday she mentioned unconditional love towards a close girlfriend. That really struck me. If you look through my cell phone you’ll find maybe 20 ongoing text conversations with those I call friends. Some messages are as recent as this morning, others are from last week. My point here is, I have a lot of people I consider friends, but are they all truly friends? Am I confusing acquaintances with friends? So often I find myself apologizing to friends for being so busy, for not making time to see them, for not truly supporting them when they need comforting… Is this a sign I’m spreading my time too thin amongst too many? Should I reevaluate my friendships and make a point to devote more time to just a few individuals I consider my very closest friends? How does an adult even go about building new friendships, or deepening current? Is it possible to forge meaningful relationships with people we may see very seldom? Can a good, or dare I saw great friendship really be based on text messages alone, as so many of mine are?

Friends with babies – This is still such a difficult topic for me. Looking around to those I associate with most, be it at work or home, I’m pretty much the only one without kids. No seriously. I’m trying to think of someone I know who hasn’t reproduced critters resembling themselves… That said, there seems to be this invisible to them, but certainly not to me, line between us. They have experiences I don’t. I feel very much left out of their lives, which now revolve around something I can’t quite imagine. And I already know what you might be thinking… You will have these experiences soon. And maybe I will. But that certainly doesn’t chance the distance I feel between us now. Maybe this is one more reason why I need to reevaluate those in my life…

My Career – I’m not even sure where to start with this topic. All I’ve known since college was having a career. Again, no children, so my career is where my time and efforts have been focused. A huge part of me doesn’t want that to change once I am a mother, God willing. Currently though, I’m bored outta my mind! Not bored as in I don’t have work to do. No, plenty of that. But bored with the work itself. Which is awful.  Makes for terribly long days!  No one should wish their days away as I have been lately.  This topic might need a separate post all its own…

Okay, enough about my therapist.  Yesterday was Eric’s birthday.  Remember I didn’t have a gift for him?  Well, the night I wrote that post he ordered his own gift online when he arrived home from work.  A new laptop.  Which he ordered in all of four minutes, I shit you not.  Let me explain.  We currently had three laptops.  The most recent I purchased a few months ago because one of the two we owned was worthless, and the other he was always on for work stuff.  So yes, I bought my own a few months ago making three laptops.  Well, several weeks ago Eric decided the one of his that was good was all the sudden messed up.  See a pattern here?  He tends to mess up laptops.  How, I don’t know.  So he took over mine, the one I bought several months ago.  And oh no, that wasn’t going to work.  We’ve been fighting over the one for several weeks now and finally that night he was fed up, got online and ordered another.  So, birthday gift handled.

Last night Eric and I had a late dinner out together to celebrate his birthday.  We tried a new brewery not too far from our home, Big Grove Brewery, which I wasn’t terribly impressed by.  I didn’t drink, obviously, Eric did, but was disappointed that for being a brewery, they only had four different choices of their own beer.  And the food was nothing to write home about.  In fact, I barely ate what I ordered, the cod sandwich, and even Eric couldn’t chock it down.  And those of you who know him know he’ll eat pretty much anything.  So, I probably won’t be craving that place again anytime soon.  Earlier yesterday on my way home from work I’d picked up Scratch cupcakes, so we enjoyed those once home after dinner before crawling into bed for a good night’s sleep.

Eric is off this weekend.  Hopefully he doesn’t spend all of tomorrow and Sunday on work stuff…

Off to cook tonight’s dinner, Sweet Fire Porterhouse Pork Chops and Oriental Coleslaw.

P.S. If you didn’t notice, I made my blog public again. For now. We’ll see.

8 thoughts on “6w

  1. I’m sure the entire experience feels unreal. I also feel out of place around my close friends. I am the only one without kids. I’m not in the club, you know? So then what? Find new friends? Without kids? I don’t know. I feel awkward and out of place but then I miss them. Change is hard.
    I bet your baby is doing amazing right now.

    1. Change is hard. And I’m not trying to make it sound like I want to ditch my current friends with babies… Maybe I just need to branch out and explore activities that don’t always involve parents and their children. I don’t know, it’s so hard.

      1. This morning I went to the gym to swim. It was also family swim time and lessons. So many parents and little kids. Serenity feels impossible sometimes.

        1. My trip to the mall today… I’ve never seen so many babies in one place before 🙁

  2. I didn’t have ANY symptoms until very recently. I was so worried all the time… (Not gonna lie, still am). Reading everyone else’s blogs makes us think that morning sickness is happens to everyone. It doesn’t. Be thankful we’re part of a lucky bunch. 🙂

    1. Thank you, I am trying to remember it’s okay not to feel sick. My darn pregnancy books keep telling me morning sickness is a sign of a healthy pregnancy though… Ugh.

  3. Sounds like a lovely day! Congratulations on hitting 6w! I hope the ultrasound goes blissfully Thursday. Fingers crossed for you! And I totally know about that invisible line between us and those friends with children. It absolutely exists. Hope you have a wonderful weekend with Eric!

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. I really do appreciate it 🙂

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