I felt very overwhelmed and unmotivated today. I had a terrible time focusing at work. I mean, from my boss’ perspective I was a model employee, as I responded to every request and email I received. But from my own perspective, well, maybe I’m being too hard on myself. Just didn’t have any interest in being at work today, although when do I lately.
My mind feels overwhelmed. It’s nearing year-end at work, obviously a busy time for accounting/finance. My team is one member short as of today, which certainly doesn’t make things better. I feel emotionally off most days, which doesn’t mix well in a professional environment. And on top of that, I feel like arriving home at night is just the beginning of more work. Even laundry and cleaning lately seem more than I can handle. And on top of that, trying to rent/sell rental property. One lady called me four times in 60 minutes today. I mean seriously! Of course I didn’t answer. I’m not Debbie! But that meant my free-time tonight needed to focus on real estate ‘stuff’ for lack of a better term. Just feels often like my life is consumed by obligations. I can’t think of one single thing I enjoy in my life that I get to experience on a somewhat regular schedule, I mean, truly enjoy and look forward to. I would say Eric, but our time together is seriously seldom. I workout, I work, I come home and work more, I go to bed, and then do it all over again the next day. I wait for the workdays to end, essentially wishing my weeks and months away. What kind of life is that? There is more to life than this, right???
I’m trying to look forward to the future, hoping it’s different, better. But what if it isn’t? What if Eric and I don’t find ourselves with several smaller versions of ourselves within the next five years? In six years I’ll be 40, how can that be? What if Eric’s schedule doesn’t improve next year? What if we’re never that family that actually has time to spend with one another on weekends and holidays?
In conversations lately it’s come to my attention that the majority of people’s lives revolve around their children. Ask any parent of a child under 18 what they did last weekend and I’m fairly certain they will include the child in the description of their Saturday or Sunday. But what should my life be revolving around in the meantime, when child aren’t a part of my family? Will I always be stuck in this meantime, waiting for my life to begin?