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July 4th Weekend

Finally NOT PREGNANT

I haven’t been writing as much lately, if you haven’t noticed, mainly because not much is happening in baby-making-land, which really was the original point of this blog.  I’m still alternating between spotting and light bleeding with the occasional heavier day mixed in.  But the good news, I took another one of those ClearBlue pregnancy tests with week’s estimator this morning, and guess what??  Yep, it said NOT PREGNANT.  I’ve never been so happy to see those two words in all my life!  I have another lab draw tomorrow morning to see what my exact HCG level is… hopefully darn near close to nothing.  I can hope at least, right?  Today is 32 days past taking the Cytotec (Misoprostol).

My three-day holiday weekend was relaxing.  Friday, the 4th, Eric and I traveled to my hometown to spend the afternoon and evening with my mom, step-dad, sister, brother-in-law, niece, and nephew.  It had been awhile since I’d seen everyone, so nice to hang out for the day.  We checked out a nature preserve in the afternoon, the guys fished while the ladies took a walk and watched my niece play in the water.  Then we headed back to my sister and brother-in-law’s home for a cookout.  Food was excellent!

My niece playing at the nature preserve

Yesterday was really low-key, in fact, I only left the house to get the mail!  Eric
had a ton of patient notes to complete and several presentations to prepare, so he chilled on the couch, laptop in hand, while I progressed through the first season of Orange is the New Black.  I made it through episode 10, which I think is almost the end of season 1, but golly, I’m still waiting for something to happen!  But, I’ve invested this much time, I can’t give up now!  Does season 2 get better???

I woke up this morning and took Kona for a walk.  Actually, I intended it to be a run, but it was crazy humid out I realized, and no way was she going to make it very far.  So, we walked 2.66 miles, although at a fairly slow rate.  You know, she had to sniff every bush and tree.  I asked Eric is join us, but he was too tired, as he’d stay up most of the night working.  That man has his days and nights mixed up!  So, he’s home sleeping now, but I was determined to get out of the house today!  I’m at my favorite coffee shop on campus now and need to run a few errands later.

Not to change the subject, but the past few days I’ve felt a bit m
ore down than normal.  All the adorable pictures of everyone’s children on Facebook in their 4th of July outfits, well, it made me a bit sad.  I’d love to pick out cute little festive outfits for my own children…  But clearly that can’t happen yet.  Then, I was reminded that my step-brother and girlfriend will be having their baby soon, in August sometime.  I’m not close with him, in fact, I’ve never met her.  Long story there, probably needs a separate post.  Anyway, they are young, not crazy young, but years younger than me, they don’t necessarily have stable jobs that will enable them to support a baby, he’s had some issues with the law, but yet, they are having a bundle of joy.  I don’t understand why God gives them a baby, knowing they will struggle to feed and clothe it, as well as struggle to offer it the emotional support a child deserves… but yet He hasn’t blessed me with a child.  I just don’t understand.  Then, a similar situation with a younger cousin of mine who recently had a baby.  She and her boyfriend live together, but will need a lot of help from others to raise the adorable baby, which I’m not even convinced she truly wants.  So yes, I’m a bit mad at the world, and confused.  Perhaps someday I will look back and understand.

Upstream at the nature preserve

Speaking of looking back and understanding though…  July 10th would have been my 10th wedding anniversary with my ex-husband.  Wow, ten years.  It truly feels like a lifetime ago, like I can’t possibly be the same person who married that man so many years ago.  I promise to post more about that part of my life at some point, just not sure where to even start, or end, with that story.  It brings to mind though, that I haven’t really just wanted a child for the past two years since Eric and I married.  My longing for a child really began ten years ago…  Ten years is such a long time to want something…  It’s been agony really.  I really don’t have any other words for it.

Last week my therapist asked me to make a couple lists, really for myself.  One should be reasons I dislike my current job.  She thinks it’s easy for people to just say they don’t like their job, but sometimes it’s rather enlightening to make a list of why, and to realize there are some things we really like about it too.  And, hopefully making such a list will help me pick my next role in an area I’ll enjoy.

The second list she asked me to prepare was reasons why I love Eric and why I married him.  She said rarely do we ever sit down and rationalize why we married the person we did.  My therapist thinks it would be good for me to reflect back on these reasons, as she understands right now its quite difficult, not seeing Eric much due to his work schedule.  I originally intended to post both of those lists as separate posts…  But I don’t know.  I mean, I know the whole point of this blog was for me to be honest and open, but…  Well, we shall see.  Maybe I’m afraid of what I’ll discover with those lists…

9 thoughts on “July 4th Weekend

  1. Your niece is a cutie 🙂 I think depression post-miscarriage is to be expected, and I don’t think it’s the right time to decide how you *truly* feel about important parts of your life. On the other hand, if you were trying to “gloss over” and ignore some major issues, miscarriage will bring them forward and force you to acknowledge them as factors in your unhappiness/depression, which may be helpful in deciding how to move forward. I wish I could comfort you. For what it’s worth, one of these days you’ll wake up and you won’t feel so “heavy” anymore–like a fog will lift and you’ll better. Promise. XOXO

    1. Isn’t she cute?? Love her! Thank you again for the kind words, you always know how to make me feel better! I’m hoping that one of these days comes sooner rather than later!

  2. Congrats on finally having the HCG out of your system! It must feel good to be able to take steps to move forward!

    1. Yes! Now starts my wait to get my first normal period!

  3. I know exactly how you feel with the baby thing. I have a few of those. I struggle with it so much since I know my husband and I can provide a wonderful home for a child. My husband likes to say that all of our patience now will pay off when we have them!

    I think the lists will really help you out. Sometimes seeing things on paper help you process what is going on so much better! Good luck! 🙂

    1. Eric told me last night we should quit our jobs and then we will surely get pregnant… Sad, but it made me laugh. And my weekly therapy appointment is tomorrow already and I didn’t make the lists yet. AHHH!

      1. Haha S and I say that all the time!!!

  4. At last! I hope the blood test is negative too!

    1. Thank you!

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