Last night Eric told me his brother and wife (whom I adore and haven’t seen in way too long) and some other friends as well are meeting up in Des Moines this weekend for Brewfest. Sounds fun right? Sorta…
I haven’t seen Eric’s brother and wife in quite a while, and I would love to spend some time with them. Unfortunately though, it’s a package deal. If I want to see them, which I do, I also have to see several others who, to be quite honest, annoy the shit outta me. Okay, maybe that’s not quite fair to say. I’m not all that close with these other friends, so perhaps I don’t know them well enough to judge… Anyway, last night I told Eric I wasn’t all that thrilled with the idea of spending his first weekend off in quite some time, with (some) people who I’m not all that fond of.
This morning I was thinking, Eric and I so rarely get to actually go out and do something together, maybe we should just go. I’ll suck it up and put on my happy face and finally have a chance to see his brother and my sister-in-law, even if I have to deal with the others. So I booked playcare for Kona and a hotel for Eric and me.
Fast forward to earlier tonight, Eric got home from work at a decent time, around 6:15pm and was starving so he suggested we head out for dinner. We’re diving to a Mexican restaurant and Eric, very nonchalantly says, “Oh, by the way, so and so are pregnant.” I looked and him and just stared, as this is one of the couples we’d be seeing this weekend, one which I’m not all that fond of in the first place. So, I was already faking wanting to see them, and now I’d have to slap a smile on my face and say, oh, so happy for you. I was pregnant 6 weeks ago, and now I’m not, after a hellish time getting pregnant, but yes, I’m happy for you, how about we go get you a baby gift!
Sorry, that sounds really mean of me, but as my therapist says, we can’t control our feelings, only how we react to them. And my reaction in the car, on the way to the restaurant, to this news, was bawling. Yes, I don’t know what came over me, I just started crying. For losing our baby, for the 22 months we’ve been trying, for the terror of having to start all over… it just all kind of came back to me. Along with hurt that Eric wasn’t more considerate when sharing this news with me. Did he not think this might be difficult for me to hear? Did he not think that maybe the plans we’d just made for the weekend maybe weren’t the best considering what he and I have been through recently? Six weeks is still recent, right?
So we obviously didn’t go to dinner, as I was a mess. Eric picked up fast food for himself, I’d lost my appetite, and we came home. We talked a lot tonight. More than we have in a while, which was good for us. I feel like our marriage is already stressed with his awful work schedule, and throwing infertility into the mix is just too much sometimes. I love him, I really do, but man, he’s oblivious sometimes! Is that all men??
So our talk… Eric explained how he thinks about this infertility struggle. He feels we are doing everything we can right now, we have our appointment Monday, and we will do another IVF cycle, the best treatment for infertility… He says this is a numbers game and if we do enough cycles we will get our baby. And maybe he’s not wrong in his thinking, but he’s so… Thinking like a doctor! Why can’t he consider the feelings involved?? It’s more than just treatment and a plan!
And sure, we have our appointment Monday, which I’ll attend alone since he can’t rearrange his patients with this short of notice. But who knows what they will tell me. I assume we will formulate some plan, but what about in the meantime? How do I go on day after day, seeing babies, and pregnant women? How do I find a way to be happy for them when I’m still so sad for me? I can’t avoid those with babies and bellies forever! Can I??
And I cancelled our hotel room, although Kona will still go to playcare, as it is non-refundable this close to her scheduled arrival time. No idea what Eric and I are doing this weekend now. I searched the internet for ‘fun events in Iowa this weekend’ but all I got was alcoholics anonymous and Brewfest. No seriously. Remember when I was pissed about Eric wanting to stay in Iowa? Okay, I’m still pissed about that, but this is why! It’s like, we have a free weekend, and what the crap are we going to do now that I clearly have to avoid pregnant ladies!?