I bet most of you can tell by now when I’ve had a bad or emotional day… It’s normally the days I post. Today is such a day.
I honestly thought today might be the day I tell off Debbie Downer. (Did I give her this web address?) Oh, who the hell cares, sometimes the truth hurts. Allow me to bullet point or I’d go on forever complaining about her…
- She still isn’t eating, WTF?
- Since she still isn’t eating, she looks a bit like death. No really, her clothing hangs on her, her eyes are dark and sunken in, and her attitude toward life needs to take a hike, before I tell her to.
- Does no one close to her give a shit? I mean, really, someone needs to say something to her, along the lines of, WTF, eat bitch. Or just drag her to the nearest hospital. Oh wait, we work in one.
- Yes, I do bitch about her, but I do care too. Obviously something is very wrong in her life to be causing her behavior. And in my opinion, help needs to come from someone she trusts. So why isn’t her family stepping up?
- Aside from her own issues, I fear she is messing up her children. Her husband has their seven-year old son on an intense workout program. God only knows what they are telling their daughter about weight and image.
- Debbie continues to stick her nose in my biz. Today’s comments included:
- Is that a scone you’re eating? Yes, mommy.
- Did you make it to your workout this morning? Yes, mommy.
- Oh, Doritos today, not Fritos? Yes bitch, I like all chips.
- What did you get for lunch? Oh, were you thinking of getting lunch today?
- Where is your boss today? No idea, I’m not her baby-sitter.
- Is this account open yet? I don’t know, I copied you on the email, look it up yourself, I’ve only showed you how like eight times now.
- Did Eric have that meeting with the VA yet? (Never should have told her about that, but yes, he did.) No, it’s a few weeks from now.
- Did you get to see Eric last night? No, duh, do I ever?
- You sound a little sick over there, aren’t you feeling well today, I thought i heard you sneezing and blowing your nose? I’m fine.
Okay, you get the idea. It’s this crap ALL DAY LONG. Just wait until I go back on hormones. Shit is gonna get interesting, as I fear I won’t be so nice and accommodating with her prying.
In baby-making news. I got several letters in the mail this week from my RE. Strange that they send letters in this day and age, but okay…
The first confirmed my ‘spot’ in the next uptime with their office. Can I just note though, that the first sentence of the letter reads, “I am sorry for your pregnancy loss and hope that you are coping well with the disappointment.” Not sure what to think of that… The letter goes on to verify insurance coverage, BMI (apparently there is a weight restriction), and then goes on to explain they recommend a flair protocol utilizing a higher dose of Follistim to hopefully retrieve more eggs to improve our outcome. We shall see I guess!
The second letter confirmed the results of my Anti-Mullerian Hormone (AMH) test. The letter just simply states my results are within normal range and thus does not indicate an abnormal ovarian reserve. Which leads me to question why we only got 6 eggs during our last cycle… But, we’ll let that go for now.
Also this week I received the results of my genetic screening. I’m not sure I’m entirely ready to discuss them publicly, or if I ever will. Somethings just feels too personal for this space. I have my genetic counseling session next Tuesday evening, hopefully I’ll have a better understanding of what the results indicate then. My doctor did leave me a brief message stating he wasn’t concerned in regards to my fertility, the success of our next IVF cycle, or even the health of my children. Which is a huge relief. My doctor’s concerns are more for perhaps my children’s children and beyond. I’m putting those thoughts on the back-burner for now.
So finally, to the title of this post… NY Med. Not sure if any of you watch, but recently there was an episode about a young man, perhaps 18 or 19, who needed a heart transplant. I fear this is going to be taken the wrong way, so please know I am not trying to compare the struggle of infertility with this young man’s condition. Both are valid struggles and obviously can’t be compared against one another. I will say though, that I really understood his mother’s feelings. She was interviewed for the show and spoke about how horrible living is, constantly waiting for the call that a heart is available. She said, ‘that’s no way to live.’ And she’s right, waiting everyday for something to happen is horrible. It ruins the beauty and simplicity of life in a way I can’t explain. I fear everyday that I’m wishing for the days and months to pass until I have my baby… But if the end result never comes, I’ll be left with only a life which passed me by.
The heart transplants mother also spoke of the heartbreak of knowing that to save her son, another mother’s child must die, and particularly soon if her son was to be saved. I feel a similar hurt so often when I read of positive betas. Yes, don’t get me wrong, there is a huge level of excitement for those women, as truly we all deserve healthy, happy babies… But knowing the success rates of IVF reminds me daily that for every positive beta I see, it means I may need to be one of the not so lucky. And just as the heart transplant patient had a deadline, I do as well. My time for a baby is finite, and this terrifies me.