I’m so excited for tomorrow! I already laid out my two syringes and alcohol packets! But before I get to tomorrow, today. Blah. I don’t feel like today went well. It dragged on and on. And was filled with stressors, which I realize are not healthy.
First, I didn’t get to bed last night until after 11pm. Then Eric came to bed around 3:15am which woke me. I never was able to truly fall back asleep. Although of course, at 4:30am when my alarm went off for Kosama, I found a way to silence it, and finally woke for work around 6am. Regardless though, not enough sleep. And I’m already supposed to be limiting my caffeine, but it was a two latte kind of day. I feel a bit guilty skipping Kosama, which has been more and more lately, but I’m telling myself my eggs need sleep more than they need exercise. Logical, right? I’ll try to do better tomorrow with the caffeine. No promises on future Kosama workouts though. I feel like my priorities have changed for the time being, that Kosama at 5am might just be too much for my body right now. We’ll see…
So work. I continue to struggle with focus and motivation. And not just because of my upcoming round of IVF. We’re down to 307 days now until we move to Cedar Falls and thus my career at the hospital ceases to exist. (Career = Identity?) How motivated would anyone be in that position? Or is it just me?
Today was especially difficult though. First, my boss left me uninvited from several meetings, which seems to be more and more common the past few weeks. I assume she feels others on my team need to be learning, to take over for me, but golly, I still have ten months! Then, this afternoon my team toured a new facility on campus which is similar to a facility currently being built for my team, scheduled to be finished when? Yes, roughly ten months from now. I felt like the kid in the candy store on the tour, watching others grab for gum drops while I was left without. The story of my life these days. How am I supposed to fit in with my team as they make plans for a future I’m not a part of? Maybe I shouldn’t have been so open with my team as to my end date, but how could I hide it? They are excited for a future in new spaces with exciting opportunities, while my future is so unknown. It feels so empty to know that in a year I’ll be living somewhere else, but where will home be, working somewhere else, but doing what, spending my days differently, but how… And of course, will my days revolve around a new baby…?
I did the math. I shouldn’t have, but I did. I’m a numbers person. If this cycle progresses on schedule my due date would be roughly the very end of May or the beginning of June. Perfect timing, maybe God does have a plan. Our previous due date of January 23rd would have been more difficult on us. I wouldn’t have wanted to return to work, and may not have, but money would have been tight for the first several months of our baby’s life. Not impossible, but tight. Me working full-time until May makes more sense, feels safer. I could still deliver here in Iowa City, still take our newborn home to our house in North Liberty, just as I’ve pictured it, but
people make plans, and God laughs…
So I won’t hold my breath on these plans just yet. Maybe this isn’t our time. I want it to be, more than anything, but maybe God has something else in store for us, something better.
On top of work stress and feeling left out, I’m struggling with selling some rental property. Yes, I’ve decided enough is enough, my time as a
slumlord landlord is over. I have much too much on my plate. Problem is, it’s not selling, and my realtor already wants to lower the price. Like geez, give the market some time! So we’re lowering the price, and thus, I’ll be in debt soon, paying to sell it. This is why I don’t usually use realtors!
And Debbie was at it again today. The woman seriously can’t say one positive thing. Upon returning from the tour of our new facility, to which she wasn’t invited, why I’m not sure, she had lots of words to share, all negative of course, about how we can’t afford the new building. Like lady, that is not your concern!
Oh… And darnit, a quick look on Facebook, and another ‘friend’ just announced her pregnancy with the standard side belly pic. Yes, of course I’m happy for her. But she already has one child… Can’t God give me one before he goes spreading the love around a second time? I know, that’s not how it works. But I can’t help but think I’m somehow being punished, like I haven’t paid my dues, worked hard enough, been through enough disappointment yet to get what I want. Like is the rest of my life too good, can one really not have it all?