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Losing Hope

So after getting 12 eggs yesterday, twice as many as our last cycle, I was feeling pretty awesome, thinking this cycle was going to result in a bunch of frozen embryos so that hopefully I never have to do the entire process again.

And then I listened to my message from the nurse.  6 eggs fertilized normally out of our 12.  We will be doing a 5 day transfer, so it will be Saturday.  I am to call Thursday to find out our transfer time for Saturday.

That’s all the message said.  And yes, I know we didn’t expect all to fertilize, but Eric’s numbers are always awesome, so this again leads me to believe it’s something to do with my egg quality.  I’m so scared we aren’t going to be left with any to freeze, again.  Last cycle none of our embryos lived to day 5.  What if that happens again, but that this time we don’t even have any to transfer?  And how am I supposed to return to work tomorrow with all this on my mind?

I don’t know how to get through the next two weeks, I really don’t.  I thought I was such a strong person for everything I’ve already been through, but at each step of this process I just feel a little bit more beat down.  How much can a human really take?  I want to be normal, I want to be happy.  But this process seems to be stripping all of that away from me.

21 thoughts on “Losing Hope

  1. Stef, 6 is a great number really! and its probably going to be a fresh transfer which is better than a FET! so I would be happy if I were you! keep positive! why don´t you try doing some acupuncture or massages for relaxing? I have been doing them and it has help to calm the anxiety, more than ever I would recommend that you do it and very frequently….keeping you in my prayers!

    1. I’m trying to stay positive, but I keep thinking back to our last cycle, when we had 4 fertilize, and knowing that wasn’t enough. I thought getting 12 was so much better, but not turning out that way. Just really disappointed. I do need to find a way to relax, but surely work tomorrow isn’t going to be the way!

  2. It only takes one…I will keep all things to be crossed that you will have several but it only takes one. Thinking of you and staying cautiously optimistic that this is the transfer that works.

    1. But in the big scope of my life, I want more than one child… I’m terrified to do all this again…

  3. Hang in there Stef!

  4. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you. I know how hard it can be to stay positive and how easy it is to lose hope based on past experiences. I hope you can find some time for some self-care and nourishment during these next two weeks.

    I really related to this: “I thought I was such a strong person for everything I’ve already been through, but at each step of this process I just feel a little bit more beat down.”

    So perfectly put. Hugs <3

    1. Thank you, it’s so comforting to hear someone else truly gets this 🙂

  5. I agree that it only takes one! But I completely understand your fear of having to do this again and hope that you get some snow babies. Are you doing ICSI? If not, it may be worth considering in the event you do find yourself going through this a third time (knock on wood it won’t happen). I had 8 mature eggs at retrieval. With ICSI 7 fertilized. 1 was transferred fresh, 4 were frozen on days 5 and 6, 2 were too low quality to freeze. If we hadn’t done ICSI, there is no way we would have had 7 embryos to start with. Wishing you so much luck and really hoping your embryos are nice and strong.

    1. Out clinic will do ICSI is the eggs aren’t fertilizing on their own, and while they will tell me, I didn’t ask, although I know last cycle they didn’t need the help. The nurse told me 6 of the 12 fertilized normally, which tells me more fertilized but that perhaps something else was wrong with them. Just trying to get through the next few days until I get a full report and the transfer. Talk about nerve racking!

  6. Oh, I wish I could just give you a hug. Everything will be okay. Hopefully those 6 little embryos are healthy and strong and they’ll keep right on growing for you. There is nothing wrong with the number 6! You’ve got this. Hang in there. You are 100% in my thoughts between now and Saturday. The waiting is so, so hard.

    1. Thank you, I appreciate the thoughts 🙂

  7. Sending lots of prayers and hugs your way!

  8. Praying for you, Stefanie. I know this process is so hard and emotionally grueling. Nothing is too hard for God, so even when things seem hopeless to us, know that He has a plan. Not that I think your situation is hopeless… 6 is great. I’ve read stories about people only getting 1 egg and still getting pregnant. This verse has helped me through the IVF process – Jeremiah 32:17. -Amber

    1. Thank you, truly, thank you, I’m just so scared.

  9. Six is good! Do not lose hope! It’s so hard, but try to take it one day at a time. Yesterday was a victory–six fertilized! I know it’s not as many as you hoped, but still SIX, woo! You’ve got six fighter embryos now. Maybe try and imagine them growing big and strong, fighting to grow so they can become your baby. This is hard, but you can do it!

    1. Thank you for the encouragement, I’m really trying to stay positive 🙂

  10. Girl, you are a strong person. It takes a strong and brave person to even do IVF. Honestly, with my last IVF cycle, we had 13 eggs and NONE fertilized. I WOULD KILL TO BE IN YOUR POSITION. Feel blessed and think positive. Positive breeds positive outcomes. You only need one and at least you do have a CHANCE, something I didn’t have in my first IVF cycle. Everything happens for a reason and what you feel is natural, but try not to lose hope. You’re well on your way!!!

    1. Thank you, I am hopeful for my 6, just scared for them, and scared for me too.

  11. Try not to focus on what happened last cycle. You can’t be sure they will be similar. I know it must be hard, but try to have faith! Prayers!

    1. Thank you for the prayers and constant support!

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