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Bad Day

I seriously don’t know how I can keep doing this to myself.  The whirlwind of emotions.  The highs and lows.  Oh, the lows, the sadness, the frustration.  Saying this is difficult for me is an understatement.  I’m extremely thankful for those of you who have been here, are here now… you get it.  For those of you who haven’t been here, I honestly don’t know how to accurately describe the despair I felt today.

Today our final embryo report was released…

A recap for those of you just joining…  Last cycle we retrieved 6 eggs, 4 fertilized, we transferred 2 embryos at day 3, had none left to freeze, got pregnant with 1 but miscarried at 7 weeks.  This cycle we retrieved 12 eggs, 6 fertilized, we transferred 1 embryo on day 5, we have 1 embryo to freeze, and we’re awaiting our beta next Tuesday.

Yes, one freaking embryo to freeze, that’s it.  I’m seriously beyond heartbroken.  I received this news at work, through a message on the patient information line.  Does it get any more impersonal than that?  I mean really, is the cancer center allowed to pass along sad news via a voicemail system???  I know for a fact the Urology department personally calls each and every patient with test results.  I know because Eric spends his evenings do just such.  How do the IVF patients not deserve the same level of care???

Yes, I’m pissy tonight.  And before you even tell me to be positive and relax, please stop.  Every time someone tells me to be positive I feel like I’m being slapped in the face, like my feelings aren’t okay to be felt.  They are what they are, I can’t change how I feel.  I’m sad and frustrated, but mostly terrified I’ll never be a mother.

I have many, many complaints about my clinic, but…  My insurance pays at this clinic in full, including drugs, so a huge part of me feels like I’m not allowed to complain, like I should be thankful regardless the outcome.  But yet, my complaints are many, although they mostly center around communication, or lack there of, and feeling as though my care isn’t personal.  I truly feel as though I am MRN 327xxxxx.  Like there is a protocol and it’s being followed.  Yes, I trust my doctors are knowledgable and have good success rates, but success rates are just that, overall statistics.  They don’t mean much to each individual patient.

Yes, I’m very sad we only have one embryo to freeze, one backup, if you will, but I’m just as sad that no further information was provided based on the remaining four embryos, two of which I was half expecting to be frozen based on their progress and comments from my doctor on Saturday, day 5.  I’ll be the first to admit I don’t know much about embryo grading, but I do know that if they were going to be discarded because they weren’t perfect day 5 blasts, I’d rather have transferred them than have them discarded, which is what I assume was done with them.  My clinic doesn’t freeze until day 5, which I know is very different from some other clinics.  I don’t know the pros and cons of that, but if I’d been with another clinic, they might have been frozen on day 3 when they looked excellent instead of good.  Is there really a 0% chance they would have turned into healthy babies?  If this is such a numbers game, couldn’t we have transferred them and at least tried?

So two retrieval procedures and I’m still not guaranteed a baby.  Well, of course, there are never guarantees, but based on those darn numbers, each embryo has around a 50% chance of resulting in a live birth, so that means between the one we transferred and the one we froze, I might get one child.  Might.  And since I want more than one child, well, you and I both know that means I go through all this again.  Again with no guarantees.  If it takes two retrieval procedures to get one baby, will it take two more to get another?  And how can my clinic still claim nothing is wrong with either of us??  Who ends up with only 2 day-5 embryos after two retrievals??

I realize it’s completely possible this transfer will be born healthy and happy next June.  But I also realize that may not be the case.  I’m hopeful, I want this to work, I do, but I’m realistic too.  And when you’re repeatedly beat down, as I was again today, well, I’d have a hard timing believing anyone else in my shoes would be any more positive.  Our minds have a way of protecting ourselves I think…

And then, to top off my crappy day, there was blood in the syringe when Eric attempted my progesterone shot tonight, so we had to toss that one and start all over.  Meaning another stick…  Oh, the joys!

Tomorrow is only 3dp5dt, but since I have so many HPTs, and I love to pee on things, I figure tomorrow is the day I’ll start.  I obviously don’t expect a reliable result yet, but at least I’ll feel like I’m doing something to pass the time!

43 thoughts on “Bad Day

  1. I feel for you, and while I have never been through IVF, I can only assume how frustrating this news would be and really just how hard the entire experience would. Sending you love and hoping this is the baby that sticks!

    1. Thank you so much. I’m not sure it matter that you haven’t been through IVF, you get it none the less. This process is so, so difficult.

  2. Ugh. That is really disappointing news. And confusing! I would definitely be demanding some answers because I agree it seems strange to go from 3 looking good to only one frozen. I’m really sorry today was hard and I hope the hpts make up for today’s crappy news.

    1. Thank you. I’m trying to control myself and wait to call for a few days when my anxiety level is down. Or I assume I’d get some form letter in the mail explaining how many we have frozen and such. There are definitely things I hate about my clinic. I need to find their suggestion box!

  3. I have yet to got through IVF but I feel a lot of the ways your are now each IUI. I believe you have the right to say and feel just as you please and no one should tell you otherwise. I too HATE when people tell me to “smile,keep my head up, relax, it will happen when it happens” ugh!!! So sorry.

    1. I don’t think it much matters that you haven’t been through IVF. I feel like our IUIs were just as emotionally difficult, so you get it. Just so hard when so many in my real life, who have known me for years and years don’t get it… But, such is life, all about perspective and experiences I suppose.

  4. let it all out, this is what this blog is for, right?? no, you can’t help how you feel and it’s not fair for people to tell you to feel differently. i’m sorry that your clinic gave you the news that way, i would be pissed!

    1. Yes, I’m still pissed at my clinic, but trying to stay calm for the sake of our little one who better be sticking and snuggling in as I type! And you’re right, sometimes I forget that I’m writing for me and everyone else is just along for the ride!

  5. I’m so sorry today was a lousy day. Nothing can change that number, but I am so hopeful that the coming days will be full of things that will help you forget for now. Hang in there. My fingers are crossed for you.

    1. Thank you, a positive pee stick would help, so here is hoping I see one in a few days!

  6. Oh sweetie this sucks! I know good things will happen for you and we will do your positive thinking. So for now, feel those frustrations, fear and sadness. The worst thing you can do is bottle them up. Then after you pity party, you’ll be able to start seeing the silver lining. Keep us updated on your pee sticks!

    1. Thank you. I think I’m still in my current pity party, as today was crappy at work again. If you could think positive for me for a few more days to get me through, that’d be awesome 🙂

      1. You got it!

  7. Sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. I think it would be helpful to know more information about your embryos to see why so few are making to to day 5 to use/freeze. I agree with you about the lack of personalized service too. It’s not that hard for the doctor’s office to pick up the phone and call. Maybe you could mention this to them during your next appointment?

    I’m hoping the next week or so passes quickly and you get good news!

    1. Thank you for the happy thoughts. At some people I will find a way to give my clinic a piece of my mind, but for now, trying to stay calm and relaxed for our tiny miracle who better be deciding to snuggle in for a long stay as I type!

  8. I’m so sorry. I totally agree that your clinic should’ve let you transfer the embryo(s) that were a maybe. So frustrating! My clinic only freezes on day 5 or 6. I’m glad they gave the extra day because I had 0 that were ready on day 5. I started testing 4dp6dFET and got a faint positive, so I don’t think it’s too soon!! Still praying for you 🙂

    1. Test this morning at 8dpo was definitely negative, but never fear, I have many more HPTs on hand!

      1. Good! Keep them coming 🙂 Read your post about PIO shots… My butt always had a lump and was sore. A few times my skin was even read for a few days. I’m sure your shots are working. But that is the life of someone going through fertility treatment, to worry about everything!!

        1. So true on that, if I wasn’t worrying about the shots, I’d be worrying about something else!

  9. First, I totally get the devastation and I promise not to blow sunshine up your behind (or insist you act like mary poppins). Second, you are totally entitled to complain about your clinic. Your clinic exasperates me on your behalf! Finally, I really hope you can do something gentle and loving with yourself in the next few days. If I were closer I’d invite you out for a pedicure (unless you don’t like those or get the heebie jeebies about the communal footbath). Hugs, my friend.

    1. You are so sweet. I wish we could go for a pedicure together too, sounds fun and relaxing!

  10. Fingers crossed this transfer is it for you!!

    1. Thank you, keep them crossed!

      1. Absolutely!!

  11. *hugs* You go on and feel whatever you need to feel honey, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! This is hard as heck and terribly unfair and you have every right to be frustrated, angry, depressed, etc etc etc. You’re in my prayers!

    1. Thank you, your prayers are helping. Work was crappy again today, but I didn’t feel nearly as down about our one frozen embryo. I’m really trying to think positive!

  12. This is your space to vent, so vent. Don’t apologize for feeling my dear, lord knows we all have to put on our game face and play nice everywhere else, most of the rest of the day. Live your feelings and let them out, just so long as at the end of the day you haven’t given up and you’re still fighting for the end result. I have my fingers crossed for you and are keeping you guys in my positive vibes list.

    1. Thank you, often I forget this space is really for me and the rest of you are along for the ride. And thank you, please keep me on that positive vibe list for at least the next week. Oh heck, how about year!

  13. Stef, I have known you for a very long time and I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but I realize there isn’t. Please just know that I am here for you no matter what. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you lots of hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    1. Thank you. You have been through a lot with me, and I feel awful we don’t connect more in person, or even on the phone. It’s my fault, I go to bed scary early these days and my weekends seem to fill up with God only knows what. And I keep saying that starting next year, when I’m hopefully not working, I’ll have a lot more time to make for friends. You better hold me to that! That you for the thoughts and prayers, I need them!

      1. It’s not your fault and I completely understand. Life gets busy and time flies! Just know that I am here for you no matter what. When things calm down I will make a road trip down to see you and we can do lunch!

        1. Yes, we do need to plan a date. Maybe we should just plan ahead now to find a date we’ve both free. I’m pretty good if I put stuff on my calendar ahead of time!

  14. How about adopting a child? There are a lot of children out there needing loving homes.

    1. Why you got to be such a bitch??? I was gonna mark you as spam, as I have been, but just needed to yell at you for once.

      1. Don’t think I am. Was trying to offer other suggestions to help you reach your end goal of being a Mom. If you’re not open to adoption, completely understand. I know it’s not for everyone.

        1. Clearly you haven’t read the list of things NOT to say to someone who is struggling with infertility. If you’re not here for my best interests, and you clearly aren’t, go find another blog to bother.

          1. I actually went through IVF myself, so I do understand. My point was just there are other options to help you reach your goal of wanting to be a mom if this path doesn’t work is all. There are people who would provide support for those routes too, if you so choose. Best of luck to you.

            1. Mentioning adoption at this point in my journey, when I haven’t mentioned it myself, it rude and hurtful. It lends to assume the process of having my own has halted, and that is certainly not the case here. Please don’t comment in the future on my blog.

  15. I’m sorry you’re feeling down. Regardless of the specific circumstances we each deserve to feel how we feel and to be able to honor those feelings in the moment. That said, I am going to offer you an alternative perspective. You might be pregnant, at this very moment there might be a baby growing inside your body! On top of that you have an embryo that was able to be frozen, that might possibly be your 2nd child waiting until you’re ready. I know it’s hard to stomach an outcome that is not what you’re expecting but I think your stats are pretty good so far. PIO shots are no fun and blood in the syringe totally sucks – I feel you on that one. Good luck with your pee-sticks, but don’t despair if tomorrow’s test isn’t positive, it could be too early. Hopefully you will get a 2nd line and that will help cheer you up.

    1. Thank you for the kind words. And I know you’re right, just so hard to remember those positives in the heat of the moment when you’re feeling so torn down. Thank you for reminding me 🙂

  16. Yuck day for you. I don’t know what to say. Hopefully you can get some answers. Hopefully this response isn’t dumb. Thinking about you and hoping that little embryo inside is doing what it’s supposed to and sticking.

    1. Thank you, it is comforting to know you’re thinking of me, I do appreciate it 🙂

  17. I’ve definitely had faint positives at 8 dpo. Fingers super crossed for you!!!

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