I seriously don’t know how I can keep doing this to myself. The whirlwind of emotions. The highs and lows. Oh, the lows, the sadness, the frustration. Saying this is difficult for me is an understatement. I’m extremely thankful for those of you who have been here, are here now… you get it. For those of you who haven’t been here, I honestly don’t know how to accurately describe the despair I felt today.
Today our final embryo report was released…
A recap for those of you just joining… Last cycle we retrieved 6 eggs, 4 fertilized, we transferred 2 embryos at day 3, had none left to freeze, got pregnant with 1 but miscarried at 7 weeks. This cycle we retrieved 12 eggs, 6 fertilized, we transferred 1 embryo on day 5, we have 1 embryo to freeze, and we’re awaiting our beta next Tuesday.
Yes, one freaking embryo to freeze, that’s it. I’m seriously beyond heartbroken. I received this news at work, through a message on the patient information line. Does it get any more impersonal than that? I mean really, is the cancer center allowed to pass along sad news via a voicemail system??? I know for a fact the Urology department personally calls each and every patient with test results. I know because Eric spends his evenings do just such. How do the IVF patients not deserve the same level of care???
Yes, I’m pissy tonight. And before you even tell me to be positive and relax, please stop. Every time someone tells me to be positive I feel like I’m being slapped in the face, like my feelings aren’t okay to be felt. They are what they are, I can’t change how I feel. I’m sad and frustrated, but mostly terrified I’ll never be a mother.
I have many, many complaints about my clinic, but… My insurance pays at this clinic in full, including drugs, so a huge part of me feels like I’m not allowed to complain, like I should be thankful regardless the outcome. But yet, my complaints are many, although they mostly center around communication, or lack there of, and feeling as though my care isn’t personal. I truly feel as though I am MRN 327xxxxx. Like there is a protocol and it’s being followed. Yes, I trust my doctors are knowledgable and have good success rates, but success rates are just that, overall statistics. They don’t mean much to each individual patient.
Yes, I’m very sad we only have one embryo to freeze, one backup, if you will, but I’m just as sad that no further information was provided based on the remaining four embryos, two of which I was half expecting to be frozen based on their progress and comments from my doctor on Saturday, day 5. I’ll be the first to admit I don’t know much about embryo grading, but I do know that if they were going to be discarded because they weren’t perfect day 5 blasts, I’d rather have transferred them than have them discarded, which is what I assume was done with them. My clinic doesn’t freeze until day 5, which I know is very different from some other clinics. I don’t know the pros and cons of that, but if I’d been with another clinic, they might have been frozen on day 3 when they looked excellent instead of good. Is there really a 0% chance they would have turned into healthy babies? If this is such a numbers game, couldn’t we have transferred them and at least tried?
So two retrieval procedures and I’m still not guaranteed a baby. Well, of course, there are never guarantees, but based on those darn numbers, each embryo has around a 50% chance of resulting in a live birth, so that means between the one we transferred and the one we froze, I might get one child. Might. And since I want more than one child, well, you and I both know that means I go through all this again. Again with no guarantees. If it takes two retrieval procedures to get one baby, will it take two more to get another? And how can my clinic still claim nothing is wrong with either of us?? Who ends up with only 2 day-5 embryos after two retrievals??
I realize it’s completely possible this transfer will be born healthy and happy next June. But I also realize that may not be the case. I’m hopeful, I want this to work, I do, but I’m realistic too. And when you’re repeatedly beat down, as I was again today, well, I’d have a hard timing believing anyone else in my shoes would be any more positive. Our minds have a way of protecting ourselves I think…
And then, to top off my crappy day, there was blood in the syringe when Eric attempted my progesterone shot tonight, so we had to toss that one and start all over. Meaning another stick… Oh, the joys!
Tomorrow is only 3dp5dt, but since I have so many HPTs, and I love to pee on things, I figure tomorrow is the day I’ll start. I obviously don’t expect a reliable result yet, but at least I’ll feel like I’m doing something to pass the time!