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Wishful Thinking

I realize it’s too early to get a positive on a HPT at 8dpo or 3dp5dt, but since I have an obsession with peeing on sticks, I figured hey, why not start today.  It is too early, right?  And yes, of course it was negative.  But you better believe I let it sit on the bathroom counter for a full hour while I was getting pretty this morning, just in case it took a bit to appear.  But no, no such luck.

In my usual fashion, I’m obsessing about other things too, things normal people don’t obsess over.  For example, my PIO shots.  Remember last night it took two sticks since there was blood in the syringe?  Well, last night was the first night that I’ve had pain after the injection.  Like hours after, as in, it’s still rather tender.  And it feels like I have a lump in my ass.  I’ve heard this from others, but never experienced it myself, even thought I’ve had, gosh, maybe 50 of these injections now over the course of the past few months.  Then, last night I didn’t wake up to pee a million times, I actually slept through the night, which hasn’t happened since I started these shots again a week ago.  So then my mind went to, maybe the progesterone stayed in the lump in my ass and isn’t working?  Which means our tiny miracle is dying.

I’m crazy, right?  Even if I have a lump in my ass, the progesterone is surely working, right?

Worked totally sucked today.  I mean really sucked.  (Do I sound like a broken record?)  Sucked to the point where I wanted to get up, walk into my boss’s office and be like, ‘listen here, I’m leaving, bye’.  But then I remembered I like to shop, and eat, and buy Kona cute toys.  So yes, I’m still employed.  But really.  I sat at my desk all day updating PowerPoint slides for presentations I’m not sure will ever take place.  Yes, 8 hours of updating slides.  Okay, to be fair, the charts came from Excel, but that’s just as boring!  There has to be more to life than hating 8 hours of everyday, right?  I keep telling myself, only 286 more days, but honestly, that doesn’t make me feel any better.  It makes me feel as though I’m treading water, wasting away the next 9 months of my life.  Granted, if baby is due June 1st, that leaves only 257 days.  But still too many!  How do I give up the idea of needing a stable, well-paying job to feel responsible?  I’m able to work, I should be working, right?  But it’s not like anyone else is going to hire me if they know I’m leaving this area in 9 months…  But oh, the thought of going back tomorrow, of opening those same PowerPoint files…  I’d much rather have another egg retrieval tomorrow!  That’s bad, right??

I could really use some comfort from Eric right now, but of course, he’s still at work.  I texted him around 5pm and he still hadn’t even started the last surgical case of the day, so I don’t expect him home anytime soon.  Oh, the glamorous life of a doctor’s wife, right?  Sitting home alone…  And to think I actually cooked tonight!  Check out this recipe for Honey Barbecue Meatloaf.  It was tasty and easy!

Stay tuned for more pee stick updates!

27 thoughts on “Wishful Thinking

  1. I have tonnes of hope that you will test positive in a few more days, so I’m looking forward to your updates!
    Oh, and thanks for the recipe – I was literally looking for a new meatloaf recipe for tomorrow night!

    1. Thank you, and glad I could help on the recipe front. I don’t cook all that much, so I always try to pick ones with not many strange ingredients!

  2. OMG I love you. You are just as irrational as I am but it all totally makes sense! I overthink everything and obsess about every.little.thing and use Dr. Google who just makes me even more crazy!!! I need to try that recipe – yum!

    1. Yes, I’ll admit, I’ve gone a bit crazy! But I don’t see how anyone gets through all this sane! And yes, the recipe was way yummy!

      1. I know! I have a friend who doesn’t google anything…just a free spirit who trusts that everything will be fine. I can’t even imagine 🙂

        1. Oh, I wish I could be her!

  3. I can relate to this post all around (except my husband is a farmer). Keep an eye on that PIO bump. I’ve heard sometimes they can abscess. Hasn’t happened to me but if it gets bigger, let your nurse know.

    1. Oh dear God, an abscess from those?? That sounds very painful! Here’s hoping that doesn’t happen to me! I’ll keep checking my behind every few hours to make sure, cause that’s what crazy people, like me, do! 😉

      1. I haven’t gotten any bumps yet, but by 11dp5dt I’m definitely getting sore.

  4. I hear you about work! It’s so overrated! Doing anything other than what you “have” to do is so much better.

    Praying for a bfp!!! Xoxo

    1. Thank you! And I actually considered applying at the hospital coffee shop today! That’s how bad I hate my job!

      1. Oh dear!!! I’ve been there. I’ve had jobs where I’ve sat there the whole day where I just want to poke my eyes out. Literally!!! I hope it’ll get better for you!! Xo

        1. Thank you… Yes, even poking my eyes out sounds more inviting some days. At least then I could go to the ER and get away from my desk and crazy coworker!

      2. This made me LOL. Nine months seems like forever to stick out a job that you hate and that you know you are leaving. Do you work in a sort of job where you can quit and do some part-time consulting?

        Hoping that BFP is coming for you soon!

        1. No, I work in finance as an analyst… Not sure what else I’m qualified to do, but gosh, I think I’m realizing this is the wrong area for me! It’s way too boring and dry for my personality!

          1. Hopefully a pregnancy will increase your happiness level and make it easier to survive your last few months on the job!

            1. Thank you… I hope so too, maybe this will give me something else to focus on!

  5. My ass and hips are like sand dunes, they are so full of lumps after 3 straight months of PIO shots, and my little dude is ok and my levels are always good. . . Just for some comfort! Hoping you get a line tomorrow!

    1. Thank you, I feel better now about the shots. As for the line, it was still non-existent this morning. I realize it’s still early though, but I’m getting worried…

  6. i’ve definitely had some soreness from the PIO in some spots, just figured it wasn’t quite the right spot, but massaging a good minute or two with the gauze then using the heating pad on it (i found one on amazon that you can tie around your waist) while i finish getting ready in the morning has helped. hope the lump goes down soon!

    1. Thanks for the advice. I might try a heating pad again tonight. I’m wondering if my problem is I do them right before I go to bed and thus the muscle doesn’t get used to get the oil moving in there…

      1. yup, i was advised by several friends who’ve gone through this to move afterwards – walk, do something. don’t just sit or lay down. hope it helps!

  7. Keep the job for the following reasons: 1)$$$$ to buy that little miracle the wardrobe he/she deserves!!! 2) once prego brain sets in you will welcome the day to just update power points! 3) you would have more time to make yourself crazy!!! Sorry about your ass. Prayers and positive thoughts headed your way!

    1. Thank you, I’ll be keeping the job for now, but we’ll see. The good news, my boss is on vacation for the next two weeks!

  8. This stuff messes with your head! I’m sure that the PIO is doing what it’s supposed to, regardless of the bump! Prayers for a BFP!

    1. Thank you, keep the prayers coming, I’ll take all I can get!

  9. […] Day 72 – September 16, 2014: Tonight, my husband and I cooked up a storm. We baked lemon and dill wild sockeye salmon for supper; slow cooked garden heirloom tomato sauce to freeze for warm winter pasta; homemade pepper and teriyaki beef jerky; dehydrated chili peppers from our massive garden crop; baked another batch of delicious gluten-free blueberry muffins; and, we even prepped tomorrow night’s honey barbeque meat loaf. […]

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