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1-2 weeks

I woke at 3:30am this morning and the first thought that popped into my head was, you need to go pee on a stick (POAS). In my defense though, Eric was on-call last night and his pager went off countless times, so being that I waited until the 3:30am page to POAS is pretty amazing of me, if I do say so myself.

The line on the First Response was no darker today than yesterday, so I didn’t bother taking a picture. Should I be alarmed it’s no darker at 11dpo than at 10dpo? I did receive a bit of reassurance from the Clearblue digital with weeks estimator, as it proudly displayed 1-2 weeks pregnant! I’m making a note to buy more of each over the weekend. Obviously I underestimated the number of sticks required this cycle.

We made it to Friday, and I can’t even begin to tell you how happy that makes me. The past two weeks have been filled with emotional ups and downs. Although I guess this rollercoaster is far from over. The positive test is certainly comforting but just the first of many hurdles. My first beta is Tuesday morning, and if the line doesn’t get darker over the weekend I’m really going to worry. Even if Tuesday’s beta is good, it will need to be repeated Thursday morning. And pending a good result there, my first ultrasound will be scheduled. And we all know how that ended everything last cycle. Terrified doesn’t really begin to explain how I feel every time I think about having to wait several weeks, wondering if a heartbeat will be found this time. How will I get through those weeks?

Yesterday was my first therapy session in several weeks due to my provider’s schedule. I think she had a conference out-of-town last week, and the week before that my boss had scheduled a meeting at the same time as my appointment. Funny how when I need the time to vent and recollect my thoughts the most, my therapist isn’t available… Yesterday’s session made up for lost time though, as I filled her in on the details of the past several weeks, the retrieval, my tears over the fertilization report, our transfer, and then more sadness over the frozen embryo report. I spent most of our 50 minutes expressing concerns over the lack of communication I feel exists between IVF patients, myself included, and my clinic, which is housed in the same facility as my therapist’s office. Having been a patient in this facility herself, my therapist agreed, the medical care we receive is exceptional, the communication is inexcusable at times.

During my recap of the past several weeks I found myself centering on a few key thoughts and feelings, one being my need to follow the rules, to not ask questions, to not make more work for my nurses and doctors, to not stand out, etc. My therapist must have noticed it as well, because toward the end of our session she asked me if not calling the embryologist to question the condition of my embryos caused me more or less stress in the end. My first thought was less, because I didn’t want to bother the embryologist, I didn’t want to request more information than they would normally provide any other patient, I didn’t want to stand out as the patient that called with countless questions… Those would have caused me more stress. And while all of that is true, maybe the reason was more based in fear. Did I not want to know more? Was it easier to use my own imagination, to picture all going well, or all not going well, because that was more comfortable for me? But how could having less information make me feel more comfortable? Because that is what I’m used to…? My therapist asked me to spend some time before our next meeting trying to answer some of these questions. So far though, I’m still in the dark.

Work is still a thorn in my side. My boss is out until the end of the month, and while I originally thought this would be a nice break to catch up on emails and process month-end entries at my own pace, so far, that’s not the case. I’ve found myself with quite random requests, which I assume are tasks she handles, but thus, in her absence, some have fallen on my shoulders. I certainly don’t mind taking on additional work, as I was worried about boredom slipping in, but the complete lack of knowledge I have regarding these tasks has just caused more anxiety. Perhaps I have the wrong personality for this role, as while I’m open to learning, I expect a certain level of training, and to be honest, training is lacking in this department. I don’t feel confident that when I go to my boss I’ll receive a correct, easy to understand answer, or even a justified point in the right direction. Staring at my computer screens all day, in awe of how to solve problems, is rather disheartening. I’ll admit, knowing I’m leaving in 9 months probably isn’t helping my motivation, but this all just feels too difficult at times. My therapist again suggested tying to go part-time. She thinks it would take some stress off me, allowing me more time to handle everything at home since Eric’s schedule doesn’t afford him much time to help. And then there is moving in 9 months, which is looking more toward building a new home that purchasing preexisting. Doesn’t building out-of-town require trips to the building site? How would I manage that while working full-time? And more IVF appointments if this cycle isn’t successful… Or OB appointments if it is, as both require more time off work… And rental property… The list of obligations just seems to go on and on. I’m scared of staying here full-time while managing all these issues, but also scared to investigate part-time further. Scared of what agenda my boss would have in mind… Scared of Eric thinking I wasn’t pulling my weight by only working part-time when he’s working the equivalent of more than two full-time jobs… Is a different job altogether the answer? Who would hire me knowing I’m moving out-of-town in 9 months?

On a brighter, happier note, does anyone have any fun plans for this weekend? Tomorrow I think I’m heading to an outlet mall with a friend who I haven’t seen in FOREVER. Should be fun to catch up! Sunday might be laundry and cleaning as usual. Seems like such a waste of a weekend day. When does everyone else do laundry and clean???

To close I feel I should acknowledge several blog awards I’ve received lately. There is always a ping of pride when I see my website listed on another’s page. I’m really in awe that so many read my words, that so many find themselves in my stories, that common ground… That said though, in the past I’ve refrained from completing the next steps in blog awards. Not because I don’t feel honored, I truly do, but more because completing those posts feels like one more obligation… I want this space to be a place I come to when my mind needs an outlet, not one in which I feel compelled to write on certain topics. I truly hope those who nominated me understand I really am grateful for including me. Thank you!

23 thoughts on “1-2 weeks

  1. That’s a lot to chew on! I am going to stay right here in this moment and thrill over the fact that *you are pregnant*. Yay! I’m keeping all kinds of things crossed in the hope Tuesday and Thursday bring reassuring news.

    1. Thank you so much, I truly appreciate the good thoughts!

  2. I’m so jealous you’re going to the outlet mall! I always stop there whenever I’m heading east! Have fun and enjoy your day out. I can kind of relate to you with the job situation. I’m not thrilled about where I’m at but since I’ll be out in 3.5 months I really don’t feel like pursuing anything else at the moment. Hopefully your 9 months passes quickly and when you start looking again you find something you like!

    1. Yes, I’m super excited about the outlet mall. The last time I was there I was good and didn’t buy anything. I have a feeling tomorrow will be different!

      1. Oh I always buy things lol! The coach store gets me in trouble! I just realized I didn’t even comment about the test! Hoping it’s good news for you and a better outcome than last cycle! I keep watching for updates from you and Lindsey on the progess of your IVF cycles!

        1. Oh God, I know, I love the Coach store, but the last thing I need is another purse or bag!

          I was worried this morning the line wasn’t darker, but I’ll try again tomorrow!

          1. Lol same here. I’m trying to be good for a while but we’re going to IL in 4 weeks so I might cave!

            I know my lines didn’t change from 9dp5dt to 10dp5dt so I’m hoping the same thing is going on for you right now and that over the next few days they’ll start to darken up!

            1. Oh good, yes, let’s hope the same for me!

  3. Yaaaaaay!!!! Little bean is going strong!! I think I would buy the big pack of Wondfo’s when we do our cycle. Although, I might be completely devastated. I guess it’s a risk/reward thing right?

    I never have motivation at work. It’s just so hard when the Internet is right there calling my name. Of course, by the time I get home, I’m so exhausted that I just watch TV all night. That really leaves me no time to do Internet stuff except at work. haha. Case in point – it is 11:08AM on Friday. I am at work…heehee

    1. Yes, I don’t know how people do the entire wait without testing at home. I’d rather know, good or bad, in my own way, at home, in private.

      I hear you on work. Thankfully for me it’s already 1pm and I was hoping to leave at 3. We shall see!

  4. LOL I was worried when you didn’t post this morning! I think the positive digi should be taken as a great sign. I tested at 9 and 10 dpo and they looked the same to me. Then my beta at 12 dpo was a good number and my fear was temporarily released.

    I happen to get pretty dark tests in the evening, so maybe tomorrow test in the pm instead of the am?

    1. That’s a good idea, thank you!

  5. My fingers are crossed for you! xoxo

  6. First, awesome that you are pregnant!!
    Second, in case you want an opinion I’m now working part time (on contracts I want to work on so the commitment will vary) and I think it’s perfect! I’ve probably put in 30 hours this week (probably only 5 or so hours next week) but around the schedule I needed – i.e. I could get to blood tests whenever I wanted to because I’m working from home and have no one to answer to. It seems to be working really well so far.

    1. I would LOVE to find a job that I could do from home and was flexible, but honestly, not even sure where to look. How does one find work from home jobs?? My current job is not one that would allow me to work from home, I’m not even sure my boss would go for part-time…

      1. My current contact that I’m working on someone just approached me and I jumped at it. I’m not sure where the long term future in it is, but it seems to be working for me right now.
        Good luck trying to figure it out. I hope you can at least go part-time, I would strongly recommend it!

  7. Mine never meet never got dark that’s why I was so shocked when I got an 88 for 1st beta. It didn’t even double by 2nd so then I was beyond freaked but then it went through the roof by beta 3! I was never brave enough to do
    Digital 🙂

    1. This makes me feel even better. I just posted both sticks next to each other.

      1. They look exactly like mine did. All I could say was mayyyybe. And I spotted brown. AND I had cramping and bright red went to ER and everything was great at 5w4d. I go tomorrow for 9w4d US with RE. My last appointment!!’ Like nurses said at BOTH RE and OB office- as long as it isn’t bright red (which it was once) and cramping isn’t bad (which it was once LOL) then you’re fine.

        1. So hope you’re right! I have some strange twinges today, but I wouldn’t really call them cramps, so we’ll see…

  8. this is great! i say don’t worry about more sticks! something is happening, save your moola! hahaha hoping everything keeps progressing well for you. this is your time!

    1. Thank you, I so hope you’re right!

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