15w2d – Heartburn & Venting

Remember how I’m no longer seeing my therapist?  Well, lucky you guys, since I can’t vent to her, I’m gonna have to vent to all of you.  Feel free to skip this post if you’d rather not be brought down by my negative attitude today.  Most of the following is me getting my thoughts and fears out of my head.

First though, before the actual venting begins, I must say, holy heartburn!  I suffer from heartburn almost every single day, even before I was pregnant.  I have a bad case of acid reflux, GERD, or whatever they call it.  I had one of those fun scopes a few years ago and have since been taking 40mg of omeprazole/Prilosec daily ever since.  It does seem to help some, but I still often experience heartburn depending on what I eat.  Sometimes I swear even water causes me symptoms!  Normally I would describe heartburn as uncomfortable, but wow, I woke up around 4am this morning in terrible pain.  Real pain, way more than uncomfortable.  At first I thought the pain was more in my stomach, so I went to the bathroom and then tried to lay back down, but I noticed the pain was much worst when lying flat, a definite sign it was heartburn.  The pain was just so intense though, so I woke up Eric from his snoring…  He asked, ‘is the pain around your belly button?’ It wasn’t, so he said, ‘it’s indigestion, go back to sleep.’  Again, no help when I actually need his expertise!  So I chewed a huge handful of Tums and within 15 minutes the terrible pain subsided and I was finally able to get back to sleep.  Let’s hope this doesn’t happen every night!

So on to the venting.  How about bullets so you can clearly see where I stop complaining about one topic and move to the next!

  • I think work is actually harmful to my health.  Remember N, my awful male coworker?  Remember his wife is pregnant, due a month before me, so they are about 20 weeks now.  Well, I seriously can’t take him.  Every single word out of his mouth is about the pregnancy, how he is going to handle the actual birth, how his wife is a crying mess of emotions, how she demands foot rubs, all about their centering pregnancy classes (in detail), everything he needs to learn and know yet, how his daughter isn’t ever dating, his comments about the baby and pregnancy just never end.  And granted, I get he is excited, but frankly, the rest of the office just doesn’t feel the same way.  As why should we?  I get I’m excited for my baby, but I also get my coworkers don’t need or want to hear every detail.  I mean my God, I know all about her checkups, the stirrups and all, her breast pump, and so much more.  He’s just sharing way too much, too personal, and on top of it all, he’s so immature about it all.  I just can’t take it anymore.  Even seeing him causes me anxiety.  I need a way to distance myself from him, but that’s almost impossible since we work on the same team and thus are forced to interact multiple times a day.
  • So why am I am so annoyed with N.  Well, I have a few reasons, and I assume most of them are my personal issues.  Perhaps others in the office actually like to hear about his wife’s pregnancy 24/7, although I doubt it!  I think what annoys me, or rather is hurtful too me, is his overwhelming oblivious attitude toward getting pregnancy, pregnancy, and beyond.  And yes, I get this has a lot to do with my own experience.  I am and have been scared of every step so far.  I keep thinking back to our two quality embryos from 18 eggs, which is not a great number.  I understand the risks, what can do wrong, how hard it is sometimes to be infertile, to go through IVF.  He, on the other hand, is clueless.  They got pregnant right away, they skipped all the testing, assuming their baby is normal.  I guess it’s the assuming that is the hardest for me.  I don’t wish something to be wrong with their child, but a part of me wants him to get a wake up call, to acknowledge this process isn’t always easy or perfect…  They have no idea what going through a miscarriage is, especially after IVF, when the stakes are so high.  I just wish he could at least acknowledge the risks involved, but he is clueless.  And I assume it’s the clueless that continue to live in their sheltered world, with their perfect babies.  So yes, I’m bitter it’s easy and happy for them, and hasn’t been for me.  I want to feel normal, to get pregnant the normal way without a team full of doctors at every step, to live in happiness and not constantly worry about how old I’ll be when this one is born, and if we will have to get more eggs, and what condition my eggs will be in as I continue to age.  Will we get more eggs, should we save the frozen embryo we have as a last resort?  What if we can’t get more quality embryos, what if our frozen embryos doesn’t thaw correctly?  Can I afford to breastfeed for a year before we try to get more eggs again, or will that be too long, will I be too old?  So much to think about, worry about…
  • Work continues to suck.  I continue to feel isolated by my teammates, including my boss.  It’s like I’m already gone to them, but yet here I sit.  I mean really, no one should have time to blog at work.  But my boss knows I’m bored and refuses to teach me new things, so what else should I be doing it?  I’ve been as open and honest with her about my time as I can…
  • I’m nervous about money.  I know, I know.  I know what you’re going to say, I’ve heard it before, and frankly I’m sick of hearing, ‘you married a doctor.’  Truth be told though, he’s still a resident for six more months, and residents don’t make great money.  I make more than he does currently.  I’ve never really been worried about money in the past though, as we spend within our means.  If we can’t afford it, we don’t buy it, we don’t go on the trip, etc.  I consider us smart about our money.  Yes, I do buy a ton of stuff I don’t need, but we are a two income household without children, there is always extra money, so if the bills are paid and I happen to want something, I usually buy it.  I know that might sound bad, but just being honest.  Eric just got back from Vegas though, and no, he didn’t break us, but he spent a lot, well, gambled away a lot, which is hard for me.  When I spend money I expect to get something in return.  When Eric spends money he expects to get entertainment in return.  He likes going out to eat, he likes traveling and gambling, to him it’s worth the money.  So yes, he spend a lot in Vegas, at a time when we need extra money, as it’s December, lots of Christmas presents to buy, and a house to build.  My next topic…
  • Eric and I are going Saturday to meet with our builder and finalize plans.  I’m not sure exactly what we are finalizing, as frankly I feel nowhere near close to finalizing anything.  We have picked a lot and an offer has been made, but the floor plans need to be finished and appraised before we can close on the lot.  I’ve posted several times about our floor plans, so if you’ve been following along, you’ve seen pretty much everything I’ve seen.  The plans themselves are rough, I mean, I know where the rooms will be and such, but I don’t have exact dimensions, doors and windows aren’t drawn in, etc.  The plans just don’t feel ‘done’ to me, as there are so many details yet.  But, perhaps they don’t truly need to be ‘done’ to close on the lot, what do I know.  Closing on the lot though means we hand over a chunk of money, money we could really use on bills, baby stuff, Christmas gifts, etc.  Truth be told we don’t have the full 10% the bank wants.  We have $50K in savings, so only 5%, but somehow the bank will make that work until Eric starts working next year and we can hand over the remaining 5%.  Handing over all of our savings though makes me nervous.  No, I don’t dip into the savings ever, but what if something happens and we would need to?  A lot can happen when a baby is due in six months!  And did I mention that I’ll quit work at the beginning of June when the baby is born and Eric is finished at the end of June?  That means we have one income in June, and no income in July as Eric doesn’t start working until August 1st.  And what if they pay him monthly and we don’t have income until September 1st??  I’m starting to freak out.  Granted, once he starts getting paid we will be fine, but it’s getting to that point.

Maybe this is all the hormones talking, and the stress catching up with me….

15 thoughts on “15w2d – Heartburn & Venting

      1. I firmly believe everything happens for a reason and you WILL make it work. Start the budget now 🙂 and allow people to get you stuff on registry so you can let that worry account grow. :))

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  1. We are two income home as well. We have always met our obligations and almost always have let over’s to spare and I still worry. I think that’s totally natural. When we bought our house we handed over almost every penny in our savings and I cried when I saw it dwindle down. But now, we have a home and space. Totally natural. Sorry about your coworker, that would bug me, like seriously bug me. 😦 Sorry about the heart burn. I know Apple cider vinegar can help, but maybe tums are a tastier way to treat it 😉 XO Hugs! You can do this!!

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  2. I think you worry about money no matter your financial situation, when there is a baby on the way. A friend of mine who had her kids pretty early (she was married and intentional, but still young and not as well off as she might have ‘wanted’ to be) told me “I had two tits and a dresser drawer and, honestly, that’s about all you need!” She was understating it, of course, but it was a good reminder to me that there are the things you MUST have (like food and a place to sleep) and the things we are told we need (like bottle warmers!) – perspective helps me when I’m freaking out.
    Sorry about the heartburn – mine gets progressively worse as my pregnancy continues. I drink milk before bed, and got some heartburn tea (from the hippie grocery, it’s called “mama to be tea”) that seems to help – along with the daily ration of tums, of course! Apple cider vinegar is supposed to help with swelling too, apparently. Maybe it’s time to try it . . .

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  3. Hope he gets some sort of signing bonus to help you out!
    Sorry your heartburn sucks. I never had it until I was pregnant with Bella and when it started, I didn’t even realize that was what heartburn felt like! Did not like!

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  4. I totally understand about the money worries….everyone thinks we’re rolling in it because of my husband’s job, but the reality is so different…we’re paying off grad school loans, saving for a house, and everything is so darn expensive in LA! I know long term we’ll be fine (and you will too of course!) but it doesn’t mean we don’t worry for today. Sorry about the awful heartburn!

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  5. i hear you on the money thing. residency was tough for us, living in an expensive city. and of course we ended up staying. that’s why it took us 5 years after i had a real job to finally buy our first place – and i’m now the major breadwinner. up to that point, we had decent savings after paying off all our debts, so the mortgage and money to renovate really gave us a hit. we’re hoping to refinance right now – the monthly savings would be huge for us, especially since we’ll need to pay over $1K a month for child care once i do return to work!

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