Nora’s first birthday is slowly creeping up on me. And when I say slowly I mean charging forward like a semi whose brakes are failing. It just now occurred to me that perhaps I’m avoiding planning because I’m in denial. She can’t really be turning one, can she?? The baby I was so afraid would never even leave the NICU! I seriously have no idea how we made it this far…
So let’s avoid talking about her birthday, as there isn’t really anything new to share anyway, I’ve come no further in planning…
Instead, let’s talk sleep. Why the heck won’t Nora go to sleep lately?? I can clearly tell when she’s tired, she’s cranky and there is lots of eye rubbing. Rocking to sleep used to work. No longer. Last night I rocked her for maybe 30 minutes, she did fall asleep, I transferred her to the crib, but I no sooner walked out the door and she was standing in her crib, screaming like she is dying. Eric had been making dinner, so he and I sat down and quickly ate. Fifteen minutes later he received a phone call, so I decided dinner was over and went back into Nora’s room to rock her once again. We rocked, and rocked, and rocked. She cried, and quieted, and then cried some more. She laid still and then fought me, and then laid still again, until she was ready to fight me again. An hour of this and I kind of gave up, feeling defeated and quite the failure when it came to being a mom. So I laid her in her crib, wide awake, and of course, more screaming. I walked back into the kitchen and Eric could obviously see I was frustrated, so he decided to try. He rocked her for another hour, same story. So he put her in bed and walked out, it being about 9pm by then. She cried for maybe 10 minutes and laid down and fell asleep. Like really? I spent hours trying to get her to sleep and then she just lays down?? I know I’ve written before about how I wasn’t all that much in favor of letting children cry it out. But is that my only option at this point? Anyone have any other ideas? I’d like to be able to comfort her, rocking her to sleep each night, but honestly, I’m not sure I have it in me to spend literally hours doing this each evening.
So for Nora’s morning nap today I rocked her, like I always do. She fell asleep and I laid her in bed. Walked out, and she was awake again. So rocked again, and she was totally fighting me, so I laid her back in bed and walked out. I really needed to shower… She cried hard for 45 minutes before she finally laid down and fell asleep. And after all that she still only slept for maybe 40 minutes. I’m still feeling defeated, like an awful mom. I keep thinking of Nora’s sweet face, with tears streaming down it.
In other news… Nora made it 11 months before getting her first real illness. Thursday I noticed a few small red pimples, one on her chin, one on her neck, and another on her upper, inner arm. I took pictures and figured I’d watch them. Well, Sunday morning the one on her arm looked very different, like an open wound, with a bit of a scab over it. Of course I freaked. Of course Eric was working, where the hell else would he be? I texted him a picture and he responded by saying he was sure she wasn’t dying but that we should have it looked at. Um, I thought that’s what we were doing when I texted him the picture! Sometimes I hate that Eric is a doctor, and other times I love it. There is no law against treating family or those you know, but there is more of an unwritten rule. Like if Eric started giving me tons of narcotics it would definitely raise some red flags. Eric was pretty sure Nora’s spots were impetigo, but he respects that he is not a pediatrician and thus this was not his specialty, so off to the doctor we went. Keep in mind, it was a Sunday afternoon. We went to the clinic where Nora’s ped works, but being a weekend it was urgent care only. When he checked in Eric asked if there was a ped working, and the receptionist said, no, just a nurse practitioner. I knew exactly what Eric was thinking… That it was pointless for us to come, that he should have just prescribed the cream that Nora needed himself. But we checked in and waited. The provider we saw was actually very nice, I liked her a lot, but they must have had notes in Nora’s chart about Eric’s profession, because after she determined it was impetigo and decided on a cream, she asked Eric if he was in agreement. Ugh, proving her knowledge base, or lack there of. Why is it so freaking hard to find actual MDs these days? Now don’t get me wrong, nurse practitioners and physician assistants have their place, they serve important purposes and many are excellent, but I just feel like they are used in places they shouldn’t be sometimes, for the sole purpose of saving money. Why does our health and safety always come down to money??? It drives me crazy. Okay, I’ll get off my soapbox now.
Hopefully Nora’s spots are healed soon. She also has a terrible runny rose, but I’m guessing that is unrelated. I do need to email her immune doctor at the U, as she wanted to know if there were any changes in her health. I really hope she don’t feel this warrants an IgG transfusion. I’m hoping this cream is enough for Nora to fight off impetigo.
A little unrelated, but before I close today I want to say how very touched I am that people actually follow my blog. This all began years ago as a way for me to get my feelings out and handle the stress of IVF. I never thought I’d meet so many wonderful, caring individuals. I can’t even begin to tell you how touched I am, of your interest, compassion, and great advice. Most of what I write seems really boring to me… Maybe I need to spice things up a bit!