Stressed

I’ve thought about writing this post for over a week now.  So much is going on in our lives right now, I don’t even know where to start.  There is so much I want to say, but a lot I’m not sure I should say on such a public forum.  I don’t want to publicly complain/rant, although you all know I’ve used this blog as my outlet, and it’s helped me immensely in the past.  I hate to think that the purpose of this blog needs to change…  I guess I just need to figure out a way to release my feelings and ask for advice while still respecting some family member’s privacy and dignity.  Sounds difficult though.

Before I get into the heavy stuff, a recap on a few things…

Gestational Diabetes sucks.  I’m not gonna lie.  And it’s confusing as heck.  I think I’m getting the hang of what I can eat to stay within my carb limits as determined by my OB and dietitian…  That said though, sometimes my blood sugar numbers are all over the place for reasons I can’t figure out.  Maybe stress…  A few morning my fasting numbers have been too high.  Which sucks is that is one of the times it’s really difficult to control with eating, since it’s fasting, and therefore one of the most common reasons why women are put on medications during pregnancy.  I’d really, really like to avoid medication for this if at all possible, mainly because it complicates the pregnancy even more.  And we all know my list of complications seems too long already.  A few mornings, even though I’ve eaten the exact same breakfast for almost a week now, my numbers have been too high.  Like why would the exact food make it fine one day and high the next???  Ugh.  I know, a lot plays into this, but still.  It feels like a guessing game sometimes.  And while I feel like I’m doing the best I can, every time I have a high number I feel horribly guilty like I’m harming this baby girl.  And for reasons I’ll go into below, Eric has been completely unavailable to discuss all this with me, help me with choosing the right foods, or even encourage me.  It sucks feeling like I’m doing this, as well as the rest of this pregnancy, mainly alone.

As I posted a few days ago, I made it to 30 weeks!  Only five more Makena shots as they stop at 35 weeks when doctors feel the risks of a pre-term baby are lower than those of continuing the injections.  And honestly, to me, 35 weeks seems full term after having Nora at 29 weeks!  In fact, as each day passes I get less and less nervous.  I know if born now baby would still go to the NICU, but each day is a blessing and a hope that she would only be there to grow and not to fight illnesses as Nora did.

Eric is still working crazy hours with tons of days on-call and thus leaves me home with Nora to navigate and manage pretty much everything.  (What am I going to do once baby girl is born???)  I know it’s not his choice to be this busy, the need here for Urologists is just so great.  But at the same time, I’d take way less money, live in a much more exciting place, with more time with him, in a heartbeat.  All the money in the world isn’t worth rarely being able to sleep because your patients need you at all hours of the day and night…  And while I completely respect his dedication, I also resent it often.  More on that later…

Okay, so the heavy stuff…  Where to start.  I don’t even know if all family members have been made aware, so I feel I can’t really reveal too much.  In fact, if you know us in real life I ask you please not say anything to Eric just yet.  I assume he will tell friends and others when he feels the time is right…  I can say that a family member of Eric’s is very sick, as in life or death sick.  We just found out last week, so still perhaps in the shocked phase, maybe even the denial phase.  This family member doesn’t live near us, well, no family lives where we do, they are roughly 90 miles away, in the hospital, well, just moved out of the ICU today, but still in the hospital.  Eric has made several trips back and forth during the past two weeks, basically taking off work whenever he could and staying over night either at his family member’s home before they were in the hospital, and now in a hotel near the hospital.  I’m sure I could write paragraphs and paragraphs on this topic, but I’m tired and just don’t have the words right now, so for now, I’ll say this…

  • Eric has basically no time for Nora and me, even before we realized this family member was deathly ill.  Now his time is stretched even thinner, his priority being this family member.
  • Eric has not worked much the past two weeks, somehow managing to cancel his clinic appointments and scheduled surgeries to travel out-of-town for visits with family.  He got back into town today having been gone for the past three days, is on-call, and immediately got called into the hospital for a trauma in the ER.  Ugh.  So alone here again.
  • Managing everything here alone is a lot for me, being pregnant, feeling like I could have this baby any day.  We don’t have family here, what would I do if I needed to go to the hospital all the sudden?  Drive myself and take Nora with me???
  • I know Eric feels completely overwhelmed right now, I get it, I do, but at the same time I feel like he is neglecting responsibilities at home.  Not that he can really do it all, no human can, but he’s choosing other family members over his little family here at home.  And maybe that is how it should be…  Maybe I just don’t understand.
  • I’ll be the first to admit that I’m terribly jealous.  I constantly feel as though Nora and I come last.  Eric knows at the end of the day he comes home, after all his work is complete, and we are here.  It sucks, but it’s the truth.  He’s been to one of my pre-natal checks this pregnancy, and only because he happen to already be off that day.  He doesn’t take off for Nora’s appointments, which are difficult for me.  Somehow he all the sudden has a lot of time off to see this close family member.  I get it, I’m not dying.  But I can’t help but feel jealous and a little bitter.  Or maybe a lot.  I want to be important to Eric.
  • Because I feel so jealous I feel as though I’m not supporting Eric.  And I know that’s horrible of me.  I need to find a way to comfort him, but I don’t know how.  Maybe partly because I’ve never lost someone really close to me…

Oh gosh, there is so much more to say…  But maybe for another day.  I ask for strength, advice, and prayers 🙂

16 thoughts on “Stressed

  1. I was not really ever successful at keeping my numbers in check with GD. My 1st morning fasting numbers were crazy from the beginning. I never understood. I definitely think stress plays a role, as well as hormones. Just as you said, same food, different days, different outcome. It is a real bitch for sure. I did have to go on meds. The oral meds made me feel terrible. And were not very effective. I ended up on insulin injections. Not ideal, but not awful. I actually felt better about having better numbers. I felt that was better for the baby in the long run.

    Regarding the family stuff, I would probably feel exactly as you do. I know it’s probably a lot more tricky than anyone can understand until they’re faced with it.
    Hang in there.

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  2. My only advice for the high fasting number – make sure your night time snack is substantial. It sounds crazy but high fasting numbers can often be from a rebound effect if the sugar drops pretty low in the early morning. I ate a scoop of ice cream every night, that was the one time each day I could cheat!

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  3. I’m thinking about you, dear. You’ve got so much on your plate. I will say I think the jealous feelings are normal. No matter what the circumstances are or how much you know rationally that you don’t want to feel that way. Even though it probably doesn’t feel like it you are doing a great job of taking care of everything.

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  4. Hard to give advice without the whole story, but I’d say it’s worth setting a time to discuss your feelings at length with Eric. Even if he can’t change the situation right away, better to have everything in the open.

    Obviouly a sick/dying relative is a priority, but it seems to me if he can adjust his work schedule to be with this person for days at a time, there should be a way to find a few hours here and there for you. You deserve to be a priority too (and feeling resentful is natural) And Nora and baby sister should be #1 no matter what. That’s what having kids means.

    Hang in there. It’s tough being alone with a baby (or two) all day everyday. And it’s ok to say so 💜

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  5. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way and having to deal with all of this. I get it to some degree as it’s just my husband, daughter and myself here with no family in this state. I’m already nervous about baby boys arrival because I feel i will be too overwhelmed not having any help. My husband has only been to 2 of my OB appointments because he won’t take off work to come. I totally understand the alone feeling. It sucks.

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  6. Oh man, I’m sorry you are stressed! I feel nuclear family (spouse and children) always come first. That said, Eric obviously is going through a traumatic time with his extended family. Is there someone, a friend or family member, that can come stay with you for a little while until things settle down?

    Also, please consider hiring an au pair (international nanny). My friend has one and it has been great for her and her kids (a 2 year old and an infant). Au pair entertains/cares for 2 year old freeing mommy to care for the infant. She can also get away for short periods to handle other things. Her husband focuses on his work. XOXO

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    1. I would LOVE to hire more help, but I don’t even work outside the home… How could I possibly justify that? I already feel guilty I have some help during the week. And people come to clean my house, I don’t even do that. I must suck at time management or something!

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      1. I think you justify it in that you are a “single parent” 90% of the time and now you have two small children, both with health concerns that require time and attention. You and Eric wish to maintain the standard of living that you had prior to children, and that is just not possible without hired help. And it’s not forever, an au pair would be most beneficial NOW, but after Nora goes to pre school in a year or two and Nadia is a bit older, then occassional nannies would be enough. My friend said the au pair lives with them and uses their car, plus they pay her $400 a week, I think? It amounts to $17k per year. That’s actually not that expensive for 24/7 live-in care. Just look into it. And don’t feel bad. XO

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  7. I’ve been there, done that. If I could do it over, I would. I look back now and realize the job location shouldn’t have been so important. My husband could have easily gotten a job in an area where I could have had help. Would it be possible for Eric to take a job in an area that has supportive relatives? Could you rent an apartment in an area where the relatives are or stay with relatives so you could spend part of your time there and have support? Could you buy plane tickets for relatives to come stay with you for a while? I feel for you and wish I could help.

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    1. We’ve actually been looking into renting or buying a place where we used to live, which is closer to family and friends. Not sure how often we’d be there, but hopefully it would get some use. When I find a little more time I need to contact my realtor again.

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  8. I really hear your heartache and envy over the rare commodity that is Eric’s time. I also know what it is like watching a family member battle a life or death illness (and lose), including my own mother and my “uncle” who helped raise me (more than my dad in many ways) until he died. When that’s going on it is as if time stands still. The grief and fear and sense of duty is all consuming. I have a hard time knowing how little of Eric’s attention you get in your ordinary lives. It’s hard. My partner also seems more wedded to work sometimes than me and our two boys. But this is one time where I will encourage you not to take it on as any thing personal or as a message that you are unimportant. Family getting sick and dying changes the game. Completely.

    However. I foresee harder times ahead of Eric can’t at some point hear and address – tenderly, not defensively – your concerns and loneliness. I know you said he wouldn’t go to counselling. Which drives me batshit. But anyway. Are you still able to speak with someone professional about your feelings and needs? I know it’s one more stinking appointment. But it seems necessary to preserve your mental health.

    On the subject of an emergency trip to hospital… What is your actual plan for that? Because my dear friend… You need one. Now. Even if it means hiring someone (Caregiver with Drivers license? Doula?). You can’t count on Eric bring there especially if he could be miles away at said relative’s side when the emergency struck.

    Hugs. I wish I could be of more help and support.

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