Feeling so torn…

I’m slowly beginning to realize that I can’t be everything to everyone…  However, I still need to learn how to not care what others think.

Yesterday was Eric’s father’s wake.  It was a stressful day for me, but for more reasons than just the sadness of Rod’s death.  I felt like the logistics of the day were completely left to me, well, regarding Nora.  And I suppose that is how it should be, as Eric was focused on saying goodbye to his father and supporting his mother, brother, and extended family.  Eric left out house around 10 yesterday morning to get to his hometown by noon so he could change clothes and arrive at the funeral home by 1.  The wake was scheduled from 2-5 with a service from 5-6.  I got Nora up at home, dressed her in cute clothing, dressed myself in cute clothing, complete with nylons and heels, feed both of us, pumped several times in between all that, packed toys, my pump stuff, snacks for Nora, her diaper bag essentials, etc., and loaded us in the car for the 90 mile drive around 12:30.  We arrived around 2 but she had just fallen asleep, so I sat in the car and pumped until she woke around 2:45 and then went in to see the family. 

The wake was sad and surreal.  Seeing Eric’s dad in the coffin made it seem all a little real.  And seeing Eric so upset continues to break my heart.  The three of us said our goodbyes and we had Nora blow grandpa a few kisses.  The afternoon went really fast, all the sudden it was 5 and everyone was taking seats for the service.  My mom watched Nora, thank God for moms!  After the service we chatted a bit more with friends and family and then decided it was time to pack Nora up.  Neither her nor I had eaten anything since noon, and we were both exhausted.  I tried to get her to eat, but she was a combination of hyper and tired so wanted nothing to do with food.  I picked up fast food for myself and proceeded home.  Our original plan was for Eric to come home later and then we’d both drive back today for the burial.  Well, I called Eric maybe a half hour into my drive home to vent…  Nora had been screaming at the top of her lungs.  I had already stopped twice at that point to calm her, but nothing really seemed to work, which isn’t really like her…  I think it was her teeth bothering her, on top of the strange schedule for the day.  The remainder of the drive home was just as bad, she didn’t really calm down until maybe the last 15 minutes of our almost two hours in the car.  It was then that Eric decided just to stay overnight with his mom and brother and have me skip the burial today.  He said the service at the cemetery was supposed to be less than an hour, and then a lunch for the family was planned, but it would still involve 3+ hours total in the car, and he just thought it was too much for me and Nora.  And he was right.  

So I’m home today, feeling terribly guilty that I’m probably the only family not there today.  I feel like I’m doing a shitty job of supporting Eric through this difficult time.  But frankly, I’m not sure I’m managing everything well, so where do I find the strength to support others?  I just felt like I needed a day at home, to relax and not drive somewhere, as I assume I’m driving to Iowa City tomorrow to see my sweet Nadia.

Speaking of Nadia, the nurse told us this morning that she had a good night.  Eric actually called this morning for the update, so I don’t really have any other details other than they were planning to restart feeds today.  I’m terribly anxious to see her again!  I’m still scared to death for her development but trying to stay positive.  I don’t know what else I can really do at this point except ask God daily to watch over her and protect her tiny body.

Nora is napping and I should be using the time to do the million things on my to do list.  Pumping is going well I guess, yesterday I pumped 29.75 oz, so plenty.  But let me tell you, pumping is a part-time job!  And I’ve been more lax on how long I pump for Nadia compared to Nora.  I think each week it adds up to around 13 hours of pumping.  But that doesn’t including scalding my milk, bagging it for the freezer, washing bottles and pump parts, oh, the list goes on and on.  My hands are raw from all the washing and sanitizer.  I’m so hoping that Nadia will pick up on breastfeeding and that I’m not pumping for the next year like I did with Nora.

I should go shower, or clean, or do laundry, or dream up a lunch Nora can throw on the floor.  Thank you so much for all your sweet comments and continued prayers.  I’ve been reading all the comments but haven’t made time to respond yet.  I will 🙂

9 thoughts on “Feeling so torn…

  1. With all you have going on you’re doing great. Being there for Eric and his family for the one day is all the anyone could reasonably expect of you and it sounds like it was better for Nora too.


  2. You have so much going on and you can’t be everything for everyone. It doesn’t seem like Eric ha been the best support to you but it was nice of him to let you stay home. Sounds like you haven’t had a second to relax and pumping takes up so much time!!! Just do the best you can and things will fall into place. Easier said then done but you’re doing a great job!!


    1. Yes, it arrived last Friday and OMG I love it. It’s so smooth and I don’t even know how to explain it. I mean, you know, it’s way way way better than anything else I’ve ever used. I’ve even taken it in the car, thankfully my car has a real outlet for it!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You’re heart was with Eric and the family. I’m sure they understand how hard it is for you to travel with Nora and Nadia in the NICU. I’m still praying for the peace Eric and your family so deserve around the passing of Rod. xoxo


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