Remember how the point of staying here was to see Nadia more? Yeah… We got to the hospital today around 1pm. Later than if we’d driven from home!
Since Nora didn’t get to sleep last night until after 10pm, she slept until 9am this morning. Well, sorta. She woke at 6am when I was pumping but cried for just a few minutes and went back to sleep. Thank God! At 9am when she woke we tried to feed her breakfast, which was a flop, as usual with her. She’s still screaming if I’m not holding her, so she basically screamed the entire time I showered and then clung to my leg as I attempted to get pretty. I’m about giving up on that though. Getting pretty I mean. I can’t remember the last time I used my flatiron 🙁
We grabbed a quick lunch at Pizza Ranch, Nora ate nothing again, and then finally got to see Nadia. She’s doing well, all things with her brain still unknown though. Nadia weighs 4lbs 13oz already. She is getting closer to holding her own temperature, but for the time being she’s still in a heated isolate. Oxygen is still at 30%, and she scared me three times today by dropping her heart rate. Thankfully the nurses are there instantly. I know Nora did that too, but still so hard. Every beep scares me. Her belly X-ray and kidney ultrasound looked great so slowly going up on feeds again. I’m anxious to try breastfeeding with her but no idea when that will be yet 🙁
Eric ended up taking Nora on an almost two hour walk while I was with Nadia this afternoon. Having Nora in Nadia’s room is just too much for me. Nora is a rambunctious toddler. It makes me nervous having her there. More nervous than I already am.
After we left the hospital we took Nora in the hotel pool for maybe 30 minutes and then decided we needed dinner. Eric picked up food from a restaurant close to our hotel and Nora actually ate Mac and cheese, an entire hot dog, and a few fries. And a bottle before bed too!
Bedtime was a disaster again. I ended up just letting her cry in the pack and play. I knew she was tired as she had NO naps today. She cried for maybe 25 minutes, and I was convinced the hotel staff was going to come and see if we were hurting her… She’s asleep now, but Eric and I are laying in bed, in the dark, being quiet, on our phones. Like what the hell do we do now? And please God let her sleep thru my pumping tonight! (I want the Doritos we brought, but darn it, the bag will probably wake Nora.)
I must have said seven times today to Eric that this is just too hard for me, that I want to go home. I assume we’ll drive home after we see Nadia tomorrow. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, the past few days I just feel like I can’t handle everything. I love Nora, but her clinging to me is almost more than I can handle right now, I can’t even eat. And maybe I’m just really stressed but I barely pumped any milk today, which is very unlike my body. I want some sense of normal in my life… Everything feels so wrong right now. Maybe going back home will make me feel better, make some part of my life feel okay, even though it’s torture leaving my sweet Nadia behind.
I suppose I’ll nap for 40 minutes before I have to pump again…