First, I love my girls so so much. And I hate to even ask this, but then how is it that I don’t like being home with them all day everyday? I mean, yes, I love parts of our day, the giggles, the hugs, watching Nora’s brain absorb everything around her, hearing her tell me what a cat says in her cute little voice… And watching Nadia sleep, since she mostly cries when she is awake… There are awesome times, but mixed in, all the fussy times, when they are both screaming, when Nora is throwing her third meal of the day on the floor… I don’t know, just a huge part of me misses work, and adults, and friends for Christ sake!
Eric went out to dinner with some co-workers last night, he does this often, and every time I get a little more annoyed. I get that he works hard everyday, even weekends, and he deserves some fun in his life, but I do too. And not once since Nadia has been home from the NICU have I been alone without either child. Oh wait, I did go to my OB for my post baby follow-up while my mom watched the girls. Does that count as alone time? A part of me feels like I’m slowly going crazy, like my life is that ground hogs day movie, where it all just keeps repeating!
We did get acid reflux meds for Nadia last week and I gave up obvious dairy as well, and so far her fussiness during and after feedings is sooooo much better. But she is still a really fussy baby in general, in my opinion. She pretty much fusses if she’s awake, and really cries on and off from 5pm to around 11pm each evening. Our ped told me to add dairy back into my diet next week and see if it makes a difference.
Maybe I need to learn to let Nadia cry… but I hate to think she needs something and doesn’t have a way of telling me. So I go to her, every time she starts wailing. But it’s exhausting being Nora is still quite needy as well, not really being able to do anything alone, except perhaps play with her dolls, mimicking everything I do with Nadia. And I can tell Nora understands that my attention is mainly focused on Nadia these days, as Nora has been acting out, especially when I’m nursing Nadia. I feel so bad for both girls, as I don’t feel like either receive enough of my attention…
I was making our bed last night, clean sheets since Nadia keeps spraying poop on them, exhausted from the day, feeling like I literally work 24/7 with night feedings, laundry, dishes, you name it, I do it. Yes, I have help on Tuesdays and some Fridays, but lately those days have been spent taking Nadia to Iowa City for appointments, so certainly not a day off without the kids for me… Anyway, while I was making the bed I was thinking, this is so silly, Eric works non-stop to make all this money, not that he wants to, but just that there is such a need here for his specialty, so all this money, and yet I’m struggling. I really should just hire more help, for my own sanity. But a huge part of me would feel like I was failing as a mother to hire more help when I don’t work outside the home. I think of all the other moms who do this with more than two children and don’t hire any help. But gosh, from 5-11pm when Nadia is fussing and Nora needs dinner, a bath and to be put to bed, it would be so nice to have another set of hands to help with something since I can never count on Eric to be home from work at a decent hour. And that doesn’t even include all the evening meetings he’s expected to attend, or all the times he gets called back into work for emergencies.
So… I looked on care.com and emailed one person, a 47-year-old woman, who sounded ‘normal’, who was looking for a nanny position. I still need someone to explain to me what all a nanny does, as I really see these people as sitters, but anyway, she emailed back and she really wants a full-time position. And she wants $25-$50 an hour. Um, that’s a lot of money considering we normally pay our sitters $12.50 an hour. And I’m not saying this woman isn’t worth it to know my kids are getting awesome attention, but still. Plus, I don’t really need 40 hours a week of help. Well, I actually have no clue how much help I need. But 40 a week seems like a lot when I have no intention of getting rid of our favorite Tuesday girl. Ugh, I’m so confused. Is it horrible of me to say that I miss my life before kids? I miss having time for me, painted toenails, dinners out, showers, peeing alone, a quiet house… But Nora is so sweet, and Nadia will be one day too. Once she stops screaming all the time. And I don’t want to wish these days/weeks/years away, I want to enjoy them. But I’m not sure how when I’m alone here with both girls…
And I keep saying I’m going to catch up on pictures of the girls… one of these days I will!