I know what you’re all going to say… You’re so lucky to stay home with your girls. It’s so wonderful you have the opportunity to spend these years with your daughters. If you were working you would miss all these wonderful moments at home.
Then why am I so unhappy most of the time? I haven’t left the house since last Thursday, today is Tuesday, so going on a week. And last Thursdays outing was to Hy-Vee with the girls, so not exactly a relaxing picnic. And yes, I do have many moments with the girls each day that I love and will cherish always, but overall, my days are mentally draining, leaving me sad most nights. I feel like I need more balance in my life, more connection with adults, more time that doesn’t involve my duties as a mom… but I’m not sure how to make that happen. I miss my friends.
When I woke up this morning I told myself the girls and I were getting out of the house today, if only to pick up a few groceries. Already though, its daunting. We were up early, Nora went down for a nap at 10:45 and is still sleeping now, its 12:12. My plan was to shower once she was sleeping, but Nadia screamed the first hour Nora was down, and by the time Nadia was situated and napping, well, I was annoyed my day wasn’t going so well. So I sat down to write instead of showering, as writing usually puts me in a calmer mood. And now Nora is already stirring, so not sure a shower is possible anytime soon.
Eric has surgical cases scheduled all afternoon and then it’s one of his partner’s birthdays, so they (he and his two male partners) are going out for dinner/drinks. I know Eric works really, really hard, heck, he worked all weekend, and he deserves time out with his friends too… But just knowing that he is going out tonight, when I haven’t left the house in almost a week, well, it makes me more than slightly annoyed. Last night after work and the girls were in bed he went over to one of his partner’s homes and they worked out the call scheduled. Granted, it was sort of working, but I know chit chat and alcohol was also involved.
I know, I should just hire help, but then I feel guilty, like I should be able to handle all this. And really, what the crap would I even do here with more help? Run my errands? I guess that would get me out of the house at least, but it’s not exactly creating the real balance in my life I need. Our favorite sitter is still on Christmas break, so maybe I’m just burnt out from her being away. She comes back next week and plans to watch the girls on Mondays and Wednesdays from 9-5. A lot of this time will be spent taking one of the girls to Iowa City for appointments while she watches the other. Which is a huge help! But even on the days I’m free, what should I do? What would you do if you were home and had a sitter? Some days I don’t leave and just get stuff down around the house, as even laundry seems a challenge when both girls want my attention. It seems really silly though paying someone to watch the girls while I’m home…
Over the weekend my sister and her family went to see my mom and step-dad, just a day visit, as they live about 90 miles apart. If you remember, my mom lives in the city where I was considering moving with the girls, the location about 60 minutes from here where Eric would have to commute from on his non-call days. My sister invited me around 1 in the afternoon, I hadn’t showered, Eric was working so he couldn’t help me get the girls ready… It just felt like too late in the day to make those kind of plans, considering Nora’s bedtime is 7pm. So we didn’t go. But it reminded me of things being easier if we lived closer to my family, in a city with actual things to do, places to go, malls, coffee shops, restaurants, etc. So of course I’m back to wanting to move. But that opens up other issues, like me being alone with the girls even more. Eric could commute on the weeks he’s not on call, but he would have to stay here when he is, which right now is every other week/weekend. I would still need some hired help if we moved I think.
Often I feel like I’m missing out on the wonderfulness of being a SAHM. Everyone tells me it’s so glorious. But when? How? I feel like I need some time away to realize being with the girls is wonderful. I’m stuck in the hard parts all the time. I can’t see the good. I know it’s rewarding, but for the life of me, I can’t tell which parts. Maybe today I’ll put an ad on care.com. Any ideas for what I should be looking for? What my ad should say? What questions I should ask? What hours would be most helpful to me? Should this person be scheduled, or someone I call on whenever I need someone? I feel like I should already know these answers, but I don’t.