If one more person tells me to volunteer…
I know, you all mean well, and maybe that is the key to my happiness, volunteering I mean… but I kind of doubt it. And you’re all right, unhappiness with being a stay-at-home mom has been a recurring theme of this blog for months, dare I say years. I do want to thank all of you for your comments and suggestions. Even though I might not respond to all of you, I read every single comment and ponder it, sometimes for days or even weeks. Many of you seem to know me better than some in my ‘real’ life. And thus, I’ve come to some conclusions…
- I care what others think. Maybe I shouldn’t, but not caring what others think is so much easier said than done. Maybe I want to fit in, or feel normal, or I base normal off of what others think and do, I don’t know… I just know I care.
- I’m sick of caring what others think. I spend so much time feeling guilty for what I want, or sometimes what I think I want or should want, that I can’t even always separate what I want from what I think others want from me.
- I haven’t yet figured out how to make myself happy. I appreciate the suggestions, and please, keep them coming. So far I’ve considered going back to work. That would be hard being there weren’t a lot of finance opportunities here the times I have looked. But… openings are always being posted. It would also involve a more full-time childcare situation. Again, we are still on a center’s waitlist, but I could investigate other options, such as in-home or hire someone to come into our home full-time. For now though, I’m putting the idea of a job on hold. I feel like it might create more stress for me, being the girls still have several appointments each per month in Iowa City.
- MOPs is starting back up soon, next week I think, and I’m hoping that reconnecting with other moms, even for just three hours once a week, will help me relax and feel a sense of calm in my life. The Christmas break from MOPs was difficult for me, so I’m glad it’s over.
- I joined a MOMs club through Meetup. No idea if anyone will be someone I will really connect with, but I’m trying. I made plans to attend a playgroup Thursday morning at the rec center here with a few of those ladies. I think the rec centers activities will be geared more toward Nora, but Nadia will have to come as well, since I don’t have a sitter on Thursdays. I know this will be good for us, but taking two kids out in the cold, alone, well, I’m already kind of dreading it. From the looks of the groups calendar, they have something planned almost everyday. We’ll see how much is of interest to me.
- I think I’m going to register Nora for Kindermusik. Anyone familiar? The video terrified me. No seriously, check this out. I’m not entirely sure this is for me, but… maybe we’ll meet some good people, and it will get Nora some socialization. I just hope I survive! A look at Kindermusik
- Ultimately, I just don’t think I’m meant to stay home with my girls. Many people keep telling me that I’m fortunate to have the opportunity, and while that may be true, if it’s not what makes me happy, than it’s not a good thing for me. I’m not quite sure how to describe it any better… I just wish some in my life would realize that what they think would be a wonderful life doesn’t translate to a wonderful life for everyone. I don’t want to act ungrateful for the opportunity to stay home with my girls. I am grateful that I don’t have to work, but I need those close to me to realize that they might not know what is right for me. I welcome suggestions, but I also need support when I make my own choices.
- The idea of me and the girls moving to a larger city is still in the back of my mind. Eric commuting 45 minutes each way doesn’t really sound like the end of the world to me. Yes, I realize there are major downsides, like the fact that I would be alone with the girls even more, Eric would be home 45 minutes later than he already is… But there are upsides too. I’m not sure how to say this in a polite way as not to offend those who live in small towns and enjoy it, so I’ll just say it. There is an entire world out there… Don’t I deserve to live in a place that has a bit more to offer me? Nothing wrong with those who don’t want to live in a larger area, but I’m just beginning to realize that a smaller community with fewer opportunities is just not for me.
- Ultimately, I feel like the reoccurring theme in my life is waiting for the next stage… Before I had kids I felt like I was waiting to be a mom for my life to start. Now everyone keeps telling me that this stage is hard and that I should just wait, that things will get easier and better once my girls are a little older. Can I just say, I’M SO SICK OF WAITING FOR MY LIFE TO START. This is my life, right now. I don’t want another day to pass while I wait for something to make me happy. I know I need to make myself happy, and now. Doing that though, well, thats another story. I need to think some more, consider more options… For the time being, I’m going to leave this calm relaxing Starbucks, go home, cuddle my beautiful babies, and the enjoy the chaos that is 4-7pm each evening waiting for Eric is arrive home 🙂