The Baptism & other special occasions 

I should probably password protect this bitch-fest about my mother-in-law (MIL), but honestly, what does it matter at this point? Is it really any secret I hate her? 

I’m still waiting to get in with a therapist to discuss the situation, so in the meantime I’ve been writing online with a therapist through betterhelp.com. I actually used the service a few years ago. I suppose it’s similar to speaking with someone in person, you just type back and forth instead. 

Basically I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere with the MIL issues relating to the baptism and other special occasions. Eric keeps stating, but she’s my mom, meaning there is no question as to whether or not she will attend. In his mind, she is his mother and therefore that means she is invited. And then there is me saying no way in hell will I allow anyone, family or not, to treat my family and I like shit and then expect to spend holidays or special occasions with us. 

I’ve tried to compromise with Eric as the therapist recommended. I told him that if the baptism is so important to him and her, which I can’t believe it is since it wasn’t their idea, nor do they attend or associate with any religion, then his mother could attend the actual baptism at the church, but that’s all. I had thought we would get together after at our home to celebrate, and it is that party which she is not welcome. She is not welcome in my home. Too personal. She lost those rights during the Christmas fiasco. I do not wish to speak directly with her, I will keep my distance from her at the church. 

Well, of course, Eric wasn’t accepting of my compromise. Basically it doesn’t seem he’s willing to compromise at all, as he just keeps saying, she is invited, she will be there. 

If I didn’t do anything wrong, why am I the only one being asked to bend, change, and accommodate? I know what some of you are thinking, that I need to be more mature, that God would want me to forgive her. Well F that, I’m mature enough to know when having a relationship with someone is unhealthy. My MIL causes me more stress and anxiety than anyone I know, and she has since the day I met her eight years ago. For once I’m putting myself first. I refuse to alter my life, my plans, or spend my holidays and special occasions with someone who can’t even respect her own son, much less her daughter-in-law and grandchildren. 

Now the hard part though… Finding a way to make Eric realize I’m not asking him to abandon her. He can see her, and take the girls to see her whenever he wants. As long as the girls are never left alone with her. But I do not wish to see her. Not now. Not yet. I’m not sure when. If ever. Too many hours of my life have already been spent agonizing over this situation. I’m over it. It must end. I want to be excited and happy to plan the baptisms and Nadia’s first birthday. I’m not allowing my MIL to ruin another special occasion. It breaks my heart that we never officially celebrated Nora’s second birthday with family. All because of the issue with my MIL. That ends today.

14 thoughts on “The Baptism & other special occasions 

  1. Let it go! Let it go! That doesn’t mean you have accepted her back in your life, it just means that you aren’t going to waste any more time letting her affect your thoughts and well-being.

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  2. He has chosen his *mother* over you. BLATENTLY. Unapologetically.

    He doesn’t care how you feel. About anything, really. He does as he pleases without giving you the respect of consulting you. He thinks as long as he gives you free reign in decision making about stuff that is important to you but that *he doesn’t care about* then you have to put up and shut up when he disagrees with you. Let me repeat: he cares WAY more about what his f*ing mom thinks and how she feels than he does about you–you can’t deny that. Doesn’t that hurt? Aren’t you angry?

    And don’t allow him to take the girls to see her without you. Thats EXACTLY what she wants. Protect your daughters! Since she is too toxic for you then she is too toxic for them too. If you cannot prevent a visit then insist that it be in a restaurant (in public, with witnesses) and limit the time to an hour or two at most. XO

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    1. It does hurt. And I am upset. I believe he cares how I feel. But he cares how she feels more, wants to please her more. It sucks for me. Is it bad that in the back of my mind I just keep thinking that she won’t live forever…?

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      1. Um, hope is not a plan. You have to deal with this–she needs consequences. She is NEVER allowed in your house again. You will NEVER visit her house again. You will NEVER spend another holiday with her. Only meet in public spaces, for a meal (so an hour or 2 max) to discourage her theatrics. If she says rude, unpleasant, and/or inappropriate things then tell her once to *drop it* or you’re leaving and if she continues, get up and leave (YOU hold on to the car keys whenever you see her so you and girls can escape in the event that Eric tries to stay). If you MUST see her, then make all the rules. And let Eric know these are consequences of HER actions–without consequences she has no reason to behave any differently, and if she continues to behave poorly then you and the girls won’t see her at all. I’m really disgusted with him. Uhg. Sorry lady, but I am confident you have the backbone to deal with this witch. XO

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          1. “but she’s my mom.” Which makes it hard for him to look outside the situation and see what you’re feeling and recognize the gravity of the situation. He’s watched his mom behave this way for his entire life, and has been the recipient of violence, from what you’ve said. Which to me, as an outsider, would make me think he would worry his children would also be subject to that and would want to prevent it. But he’s not an outsider. To him, some of this might seem normal. Or at least familiar. To be honest, I imagine Eric could benefit from a lot of therapy.

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          2. ‘But she’s my mom’ is not an argument. If anything it makes bad behaviour less forgivable. We should be able to trust our mothers to treat us, our spouses, and most importantly our children with respect.

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          3. So HE can see her whenever and however he likes–as long as he is not cutting into family time. If he doesnt want to see her alone then he is using you and your girls as human “meat shields” because he doesnt want to deal with her. HE is her son. The girls are YOUR daughters and you dont owe her sh*t–do not allow him to appease his mother by sacrificing your daughters at the alter of “mommy”. You DO have control and you CAN make the rules. She can have occassional pictures and updates if HE wishes to provide them and you and the girls will see her for a meal or famiky event or whatever a couple times a year in public spaces with plenty of witnesses to encourage her to control herself (which she CAN control herself so she is not crazy, she is a manipulative b*tch who only abuses you in private so that you look unreasonable when you refuse to deal with her). Make Eric agree to your terms–they are a compromise because by all rights she should be cut off from you and the girls forever. Tell him “You’re welcome” case closed. Dont argue. Simply “This is how its going to be”. XO

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  3. Oh Stefanie, this sounds just horrible. I’m sorry your husband isn’t listening to you and I’m sorry your mother in law has been horrible to you. I firmly believe that you and your husband have to get on the same page about how she treated you and the repercussions to that. I truly hope your upcoming therapy session will at least help you sort some of your emotions out about all of this.
    Also, I have to agree with mlacs that if she’s too toxic for you then she’s too toxic for your girls. It simply isn’t okay for her to be given the opportunity to demonstrate that type of behaviour to them.

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  4. Hello, friend. I’m sorry you haven’t been able to make progress with Eric in the MIL department. Your attempt at compromise is to be commended. That Eric is not willing to meet you halfway is telling. I think you know this…but if you ever second guess your decision, or if/when others try to make you feel like you should get over it, remember this:

    Your MIL’s behavior CAUSED this. Her inability to control her temper, anger, behavior and reactions to situations are the reason you do not want her in your house. She has not apologized. She has not indicated in any way that she is doing anything to correct her behavior. What she did was abhorrent, and as the mother of your children, you absolutely have the right to deny her entry into your home. Period.

    Honestly, I feel like Eric needs to hear this position from people other than you. Because as messed up as it is, it seems like partners turn a deaf ear until someone else reinforces the position. Is that right? No. But really, you’re not being unreasonable.

    As for “letting it go,” it would benefit you to let go of any guilt you may feel in maintaining your stance (I hope you don’t feel any.) But I would not “let go” of your stance, because you are entitled to it.

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    1. Thank you 🙂 I often do think it would help for Eric to hear from third parties… But I’m not sure there are any unbiased third parties here. Most have only heard from me, my perspectives, and I realize perhaps my thoughts and feelings are only part of the story and situation. Ultimately I realize this situation is very hard on both Eric and me… He feels very stuck in an impossible situation. I wish I knew the answer to all this…

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  5. Not knowing exactly what happened in the past I am left guessing that it is verbal, not physical or sexual, abuse. I am also guessing that this occurred also before you got married. So you knew that Eric would tolerate her being verbally abusive to you. Or, why didn’t you? (Not a question for you to answer in public!)
    Which does not make the current behaviors different or more acceptable.
    Can you ask him to explain in words to you why it is, and has been, acceptable to him that she does this to you? Does simply being his mother mean he will accept her being abusive to others? Do you know if she does this to other people? Did she do this to her husband, other relatives? Eric’s siblings? Eric himself?
    Is it mental illness? Do you have any reason to believe she is capable of choosing when she lets go, does she only in private, or equally when around other people she does respect?
    This isn’t me giving advice on what to do now, I don’t know, but might help you in deciding what to do because information can lead to solutions. It sounds dreadful. I am terribly sorry for the mess you are in. It is quite ugly.

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