Imposter

This morning my mom’s club held a coffee get-together called “Empty Nester”. Basically a monthly event for moms only, since all over events welcome children. With my girls in daycare I, of course, took the opportunity to join in. And I’m so glad I did. The ladies were super welcoming, the chit-chat was enlightening, and the mocha was tasty. This is the third event this week I’ve attended with these ladies.

Problem though, although perhaps only a problem in my mind, is that I totally felt like an imposter. All of the other ladies present have children in school, some in pre-school, yes, but still. They know my story, they know Eric’s schedule and how I’m using daycare to save my sanity when he’s working so much. And yes, they welcomed me with open arms to the group. But then why do I feel so guilty? Why do I constantly feel like I should be doing something more productive with my time, being we are paying an arm and a leg for childcare?

Only one of the ladies present at the get-together this morning works outside the home. And from my understanding she’s very part-time and makes her own hours doing billing for a local pre-school. I chatted a bit with her about my feelings, about how I feel like I should be looking for a job, but also my fears of having a job and then always needing to take off, as I essentially parent alone. Eric would not be available when the girls are sick, for appointments in Iowa City, etc. And if I was working, I’d never see him, as our time together is currently limited to his days off every third week. I don’t want to be stuck working those days, do I?

Maybe my feelings stem from needing a larger purpose? I used to see my role as a stay-at-home mom. But how can I call myself such when my girls go to daycare? What is my role now? We hire cleaners for the house… and as my Christmas gift Eric set up a laundry service… So what do I do? Why do I still feel so busy and stressed? Is it true we all somehow just fill our time?

It’s moments like these I get crazy ideas. Ideas to change the course of my life, take on a new endeavor. So I requested information about a marriage and family services masters program at a local university. I’ve always been fascinated by psychology. I love reading self-help books, even if they don’t really pertain to me. Like books on marriage I find interesting, like how we pick mates, why some marriages prosper and others don’t… Just interesting. I think I could see myself as a marriage therapist. But then again, a few months ago I saw myself as a coffee shop owner.

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