I fear I’m failing today…

Pretty sure I’m failing at motherhood today. This month? I don’t feel the best, upset stomach, but it’s a beautiful day so I’m out on the deck enjoying the sunshine and breeze. Eric is working, on-call actually, so it’s just me home with the girls. And since they don’t love the outdoors, they are both inside, one watching a YouTube video on the TV in the playroom, and the other laying on the couch in the living room watching something on Netflix on the iPad. Yeah, really great for their minds…

So far today they consumed a billion snacks, as lately they prefer those over meals. Probably my fault, as I’m rather over their whining and lately tend to give in just to get a few minutes of silence alone. I know, not great. (How did they ever make it at preschool not eating every ten minutes??)

I ordered a few school uniform items for Nora this morning, so accomplished something I suppose. In doing so though, I realized Nora isn’t the best with buttons… so finding shorts/pants/skirts for her was bit difficult. That also lead me to realize she can’t tie her own shoes. Or ride her bike without training wheels. She’s five. She should be able to? Are these things that kids just pick up on at some point, or are other parents actively sitting down teaching their children? I fear the latter. Nadia, three, can barely ride her tricycle, but I blame that more on her being a preemie and related to her sensory issues. She gets frustrated so very easily, gives up too soon, and maybe even needs physical therapy. God I hope not. No matter how often we go outside and practice though, Nadia continues to give up as soon as we’re on a slight upward grade. And forget steering. She looks everywhere but ahead. Have I failed her in some way? Maybe I decide tomorrow is the day she will learn. Does it work that way? We tried to raise Nora’s training wheels a bit but she freaked, so they are back down now. And I bought a balance bike everyone told me was amazing, but neither of my girls will even try it. What am I doing wrong??


  • rose

    I got behind and just now caught up! So much going on. Thrilled re your new house and really excited that you will move at end July/beginning of August. Hope it is safe for your schools to open and that your girls both get to go. Just saw a district near me will be on-line only for the start of school year. Their rational was absolutely summed up in this quote:” Among our earliest criteria for opening campuses on August 17 is a decrease in hospitalizations over 14 days, whereas currently we are seeing a 14 day rise. Efficient testing and contact tracing are additional criteria, and while testing is becoming more widely available, delays in appointments and results pose a significant concern. ” I think this is smart and a clear criteria and absolutely good sense.
    Covid is real and people die. Masks work and are easy to wear as opposed to dying or being disabled from covid. NO ONE REALLY KNOWS what covid is doing in young children and we probably will not know for some time especially as long term impacts in adults are still surprising doctors and no one is really looking at children for long term impacts.
    Every parent and every child is different. You did not choose to become a teacher of young children for good reasons. I do think Eric’s idea of hiring a teacher for one on one tutoring of your children makes sense as you can afford to do this. It will help each child and be individualized which is ideal. (EVEN IF THEY GO BACK TO SCHOOL, this will help them.)
    Excited about your house and hope you keep writing.
    Food and symptom diary will help you figure out what is happening. Yes, allergies/food sensitivities can act up spontaneously so becoming pattern aware helps.
    Best wishes and thank you for all the posts ~~~ huge lift in My day.

  • LisaT

    You are too hard on yourself and your struggle is palpable through your writing. Have you ever considered talking to someone to help you sort through the trauma you may have faced not only with your infertility journey, but also with two preemie births? That must have been beyond difficult and perhaps it still filters through your every day in that you haven’t been able to take the time to fully recognize this and recover from it? IF nearly levelled me and then my kids came along and for a while, I felt like I wasn’t worthy of them. I felt guilty if I wasn’t enjoying them or having a bad day because I should be forever grateful to have conquered IF. These are difficult things to sort through for every woman that has to work harder to create her family.

    It seems like you beat yourself up over so much and it appears that you’re not enjoying your girls younger years, or being a SAHM? It’s the hardest job on the planet for mom’s with kids that don’t suffer from any sensory, sleep, behavioural or other issues. Add any of these additional issues and it can tip the most sane of people over the edge. I read some of your posts and my heart bleeds for you! You need more time for yourself to have a break, a breather, a rest! I hope this reads the way I’m intending it to…. I feel like you’re overwhelmed and not happy and I’m really sad for you 🙁

    I also wanted to say that my oldest son didn’t start tying his own shoes until he was 7. My younger son is 7 now and he has no idea how to tie shoes either. It’ll come, mama. Kids learn to ride bikes at all different ages. My oldest learned when he was 6 but was super anxious about riding. My youngest was booting around on a bike when he was 5 – but he’s a kid that jumps in with 2 feet. Every kid learns these things at different ages, when they’re ready. Don’t worry about social norms with your girls … I guarantee you they’ll catch up (and I don’t even think they’re falling behind right now). Do more of what makes you happy with them. Don’t put extra pressure and timelines on yourself or their progression.

    Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping things over the last week have felt better and easier for you (and sorry for the book … I didn’t set out to write this much!)

    • Stefanie

      Thank you for this very sweet reply. I wish you were here in person to chat! I do some online therapy currently, which I guess helps some, but probably not as great as something in person. I keep hoping life settles down and I can figure everything out, but then God throws something else on my plate!

  • oc15

    All of these things come in their own time but definitely come quicker for kids who practice more often. Maeve was riding with no training wheels at 4 and a half but she loved biking and practiced hard to reach a goal she had. She also has 2 friends that were riding without training wheels at 3 and half! Don’t worry about tying laces. I am sure some 5 year olds can but that’s not an age appropriate task. I would just take them outside for active time everyday for at least 1 hour (to start). That for me would be the biggest thing to get them used to. Find trials, make the biking more fun. Make races. You mentioned they eat snacks all day. Do the races and then have snacks as prizes. It will come but practice does make progress 🙂 Good luck!

    • Stefanie

      Thank you, this is good advice. We are a rather inside kind if family, so they probably don’t practice these things nearly enough. Or get enough outdoor time in general. And of course, it rained all day yesterday and it’s supposed to today too.

  • rose

    Now August. Post visit re another child. Hope you are ok. Hope new house is moved into and you are doing well and loving where you live. Hoping you have joy and health and safety. Wishing you would write~~ but not unless it is the right thing for you to do.

  • rose

    Are you ok? What is happening with your children and school? Decision about another baby? How is new house. Are you breathing again post move or are you having work done prior to moving? Has your second house sold yet? Are there many buyers in your area?
    But BIG question is ARE YOU OK?

  • rose

    Know you are IOWA. Not sure where. Given weather/storm impact news am fretting so much about you and your family’s safety. Which is silly as I can do nothing to help. But it seems to be swallowing all my other worries up and dumping on your home and safety.
    Hope you all are safe as well as those you love. Please write when you can.

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