This is so hard. Parenting Nadia feels so impossible most days lately. Yesterday and this morning I couldn’t get her to preschool. And yes, I know that sounds crazy, she is four, how can me as an adult not get her to preschool. But I can’t. I dressed her three times. And three times she had meltdowns over feeling wet and hating school while she ripped her clothing off. Sometimes the stress is just too much for me, and yes, then I give in to her and give up as I shift my focus to Nora who does have to be at school on-time, and so often doesn’t get enough of my attention. So Nadia is home again with me today.
Last night Eric admitted that he thinks Nadia needs anxiety medication probably more than antibiotics. He keeps saying it’s not that he doesn’t believe in PANS, but that’s sure how it feels to me, which is making all this so much harder. I feel like he is disappointed in me every time I can’t get Nadia to preschool. He believes I do too much for Nadia, and maybe I do. A part of me has always wanted to protect and comfort our girls since the moment they were born. I don’t know how to stop that, nor do I really want to… but am I enabling my girls? How do I know if Nadia is playing me, or if her behavior, which seems like a panic attack over attending school, is real?
The antibiotic Nadia is currently on is Zithromax, which is known to kill the bacteria, Mycoplasma pneumoniae, or walking pneumonia. Her antibody results for Mycoplasma pneumoniae originally came back as indeterminable, which the doctor assumed to mean that was probably her trigger for PANS. Well, they re-ran the test and it came back negative. So… I need to call the doctor and see if switching the antibiotic is now appropriate. Maybe that’s why I haven’t noticed really any improvement in Nadia.