Giving up?

Eric and I had another discussion this morning about my MIL. Honestly, I feel like a broken record, both with him, and with this topic on here. None of you probably want to hear about it anymore!

Ultimately we still haven’t come to any conclusions. If there even are any. I think for me, allowing Liz back into my life, into my holidays and special occasions, is a lot more than just having to tolerate her, see her, etc. Maybe I think too much of myself, but I truly believe I deserve to be treated better… She swore at me, threw furniture, kicked me out of her home… and has yet to acknowledge her behavior. I know, she’s Italian and was grieving the death of her husband, I get it. But all that aside, I still deserve better, in my opinion. I don’t let others treat me like she did…

Allowing Liz back into my life feels like destroying a bit of my own dignity and respect.

Does that make sense? I don’t really know how to put my feelings into words… Eric is adamant that he can’t change her, though he has tried, and that she will not change. So I’m left being told I MUST bend and change for her. Of course I could do that, I could put on the happy face for the baptism and every other holiday, pretend all is well. But what will that do to me over time?

Grandmother

Where do I even start with this…

 

My grandmother passed away on her 91st birthday, June 29th. From an MRI done the evening before, they believe a blood vessel in her brain burst, as her blood pressure was 220 in the ER. My father found her unresponsive in her home… We’d like to think she didn’t suffer. While she was 91, and we all know none of us live forever, this was quite a shock, as she was extremely active. My grandma had a large group of lady friends that got together on a daily basis. I hope I’m that active at 91. Heck, I hope I’m alive at 91!

 

I’m not at all close with my father or his side of the family, including this grandmother. She only met Nora once, and never did meet Nadia. I invited my dad and her to Nora’s 1st birthday party, but they didn’t come. After that, I gave up on them, so to speak. I mean, we were never close, but something about not showing up struck a nerve with me. Made me feel like they really, truly didn’t care. And maybe it wasn’t so much that my grandmother didn’t care, looking back, it was probably more my father…

 

My father not caring became quite evident after my grandma passed, specifically how he planned grandma’s wake, or lack thereof, and funeral. There was no wake. The funeral was a 30 minute service at their Lutheran Church. My grandmother was cremated, as my dad believed that was easier and faster, even though she had purchased a plot for burial beside my grandfather. Ugh, I could go on and on, but even thinking about it all again infuriates me. My dad is lazy. Whatever is easiest on him… I feel like my grandmother was cheated. Like she deserved so much more. And everything was so fast. The ‘funeral’ if you can even call it that was two days after she died. I have a feeling most people didn’t even know of her death at that point. And after the 30 minute service… cake and punch in the church. It was rather embarrassing, if you ask me.

 

And I know, I had years and years to see her, months for her meet Nadia, days upon days of opportunities to call her, or go see her, and I didn’t. That’s on me. But I’m still sad I wasn’t able to see her one last time, to say a final good-bye. The entire day felt like it lacked so much, especially closure. And being I’m not close with my father, whatever purpose will I have to ever see him again?

Father’s Day

A few of my favorite pictures from today… And I just realized I didn’t take any of Nadia with her daddy. Oops…

Eric was on-call, so he had to be up early and to the hospital, but he was still able to join my extended family for lunch and he even had time to enjoy an early evening walk with the girls and I before bed. The day went way too fast!

I looked over at Eric several times today and saw a lot of sadness in his eyes though. This is the first Father’s Day since his own dad passed away last August. I know it was a hard day for Eric. I’m not close to my own dad, so I can’t really imagine what Eric was feeling today. I wish there was a way I could take away his hurt.

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Last straw

Today might be the last straw. I can not live here any more. Can not.

  • Lack of shit in every category – Yesterday at 4pm I was looking for something to do as I had a sitter until 5pm. I seriously couldn’t find a place to go or something to do with a free hour of time. I went to Fareway to pick up groceries we really didn’t need.
  • Lack of healthcare options – I’ve been trying to get in with a therapist for over three months now as the one I was seeing when we moved here moved to Cedar Rapids. Finally one texted me back yesterday, said she was too busy to take on new patients but recommended another. I called this morning, that one isn’t taking new patients either.
  • Lack of decent real estate – Don’t even get me started on how we’ve been searching for a house since before we moved here.
  • Lack of available daycare – A part of me hates that we have someone come to our home to watch the girls. It forces me to leave as Nora clings to me if I’m home which means I just end up taking care of her. And ridiculous that we have been on a daycare waitlist here since I was pregnant with Nora. That was over two years ago.

My list could go on and on… But you get the idea.

And to add to my stress, the girls still have tons of appointments in Iowa City. I was just there. Nora has one Friday. Nadia has one Monday, the drive is wearing me out. And now with Nadia starting speech and physical therapy… which they still haven’t called me about…

And… Eric and I are at an impasse regarding his mother. I scheduled the girl’s baptisms for mid-August. I am not inviting her. He says she must be invited as she is his mother. How do we move forward when our wishes are complete opposites? I refuse to have my daughter’s baptism uncomfortable because of her presence. I am not ready to see her. I don’t see how this can work when I do not wish to have a relationship with her and he wishes to include her in everything regardless of her behavior and lack of acknowledgment.

Memorial Day & Eric’s Birthday

It is Memorial Day and Eric’s birthday! Eric left with Nora Saturday morning around 10am. It is now Monday morning around 10am. Yes, I worried constantly, and missed both of them, but Eric kept me informed of their activities, sent me lots of pictures and videos and we even Facetimed yesterday morning. I’m anxious for their return! An hour ago Eric texted that Nora was still sleeping, so it will be a few more hours yet until they arrive home. Here is one of the clips Eric sent me…

The weekend here with just Nadia felt very strange, a first of its kind. Saturday it rained but I ran a few errands with Nadia and then yesterday it was gorgeous weather so I finally picked up a few flowers for pots. Here she is ready to head out with me. FullSizeRender 17I wore Nadia most of the day in one of my front carriers and she loved it! Gosh though, she is getting heavy! And even hands-free it’s a lot of work to wear a child and shop for flowers! Saturday night I was up late finishing another Etsy product, a blanket, so Nadia and I both fell asleep last night around 8pm. She, of course, was still up several times during the night to eat, but I got some much-needed sleep. I’ll post separately with some pictures of the white baby blanket I knitted.

I will say, while one child, a seven-month old, is much easier than with the addition of Nora to watch, I found myself a bit lost on how to entertain Nadia this weekend. I think lately with both Nora and Nadia I’m so caught up in what Nora is getting into, that Nadia just has to hang out in the background, usually a swing. With just Nadia, I wasn’t sure exactly what to do with her when we were home and she was awake. She still doesn’t nap well during the day so we had lots of hours together. She laid next to me some in the bobby and chewed on teeters while I’ll knitted, and laid under a little gym thing we have too, but she doesn’t really care to be left alone. If she is on the floor she will immediately roll to her stomach, and then gets pissed off. I know she can roll from stomach to back, but I haven’t seen her do it in a very long time. She basically wants to be held, and grab my hair, and give open-mouth, wet ‘kisses’, which is very sweet… I should cherish these moments, but of course, in my true fashion, I’m always trying to do 13 things at once and often miss the tender moments with my girls…

I wonder what goes on in Nadia’s brain, if she already knows that if she lets out a tiny cry, I will come running…

Yesterday afternoon I did make Eric a birthday cake, chocolate fudge with fudge frosting. He and Nora need to get home soon so I can dig into it!

Eric is off this week, although it was rather last-minute and thus he and I both have several random appointments and therefore will be staying in town. Friday I’m going to see a friend and I’m super excited to reconnect. It’s been way too long! I’m not sure how the rest of today will pan out. I still haven’t showered, and I’d like to plant some of the flowers I bought yesterday. It’s Eric birthday though, so I’ll let him choose our afternoon and evening plans. I have a feeling he and Nora will just want to chill after their long weekend together though.

5th Anniversary

May 19th was our 5th wedding anniversary. And I have to say, as much as I complain about Eric (who doesn’t complain about their spouse daily from time to time?) he really does spoil me. Our wedding ceremony and reception was held at Riverside Casino & Golf Resort in Riverside, Iowa, and thus, Eric planned a little get-a-way for us there this past weekend so we could reminisce. We had a sitter planned for the day on Friday, and then my mom came to watch the girls Friday evening and overnight until we got back Saturday afternoon.

We arrived at the casino around noon, grabbed a quick bite to eat at their buffet and then Eric had planned a relaxing afternoon for me at the spa. And it was heavenly. I’m not a huge spa person, in fact I think this was only my second experience ever in life…  I was lucky enough to experience the Aqua Body Polish which is a full body exfoliation and refinement using natural minerals and sea salts followed by the application of custom blended hydrating lotion, leaving your skin soft and polished. Whatever oils they used smelled so good! Then I finished the afternoon with a 60 minute massage which was just as nice! I originally thought I would feel a little awkward, but I didn’t. The girl who performed both my treatments was very nice and explained everything.

After the spa we checked into our room and relaxed a bit before I showered and got pretty for dinner. Eric loves to gamble, so we hit a few table games before our 7pm reservation at Ruthie’s, the steakhouse inside the casino. We both had steaks and all the fixings, even dessert. And I have to say, we were both overly stuffed. I guess there is a reason we rarely order dessert.

After dinner we relaxed in our room for a bit, attempting to digest, and then Eric went back to the casino to gamble. And I went to sleep. And it was glorious! Five years ago I probably would have seen going to bed early as a waste of an evening out. But nope, now I see it as glorious! No baby monitor, no children waking me up! Ten straight hours of sleep! I didn’t even hear Eric come back to our room when he was out of money 🙂

I honestly can’t believe our wedding was five years ago… Five years used to seem like a lifetime, but the years have flown. We have been through so much together. Never did I dream that we’d have two children, both born very early… Those months in the NICU truly tested me and Eric, and with the death of Eric’s father shortly after Nadia’s birth, well, I’m surprised we didn’t fall apart. And moving, Eric finishing residency and starting a new practice… So much stress. Maybe I don’t give us enough credit. The hard times have made us so much stronger as individuals and as a couple. You think you know someone so well on your wedding day… but for us, that was so far from the truth. I continue to learn about and from Eric every single day. I’m so thankful for him, for our girls, and the life we continue to build together. I can’t wait to see what the next five years have in store for us!FullSizeRender 16

Easter

I fear there is something wrong with me… All these years I’ve longed for little girls, to dress them up, and here, Easter is soon, the perfect excuse to purchase frilly dresses. And I have no desire to do so. Well, I actually did buy them matching dresses, but I’m seriously considering taking them back for these reasons.

  • This is the dress I purchased for both of them… Yeah, $52 each. Isn’t that a lot for an Easter dress? That they will wear once… I assume. That Nora will get dirty while eating. That Nadia will probably spit up on. Yes, I could have purchased less expensive dresses, but if I’m going to the hassle of getting them dresses, I’m getting them cute dresses!
  • We are traveling for Easter. Yes, it’s only about an hour in the car each way, but these dresses have tulle underneath. How does one strap a child into a car seat wearing tulle?
  • If I dress up the girls, do I need to dress up? And Eric too? Ugh, more shopping to do. More spending money on clothing we won’t wear a lot, since I live in PJs and comfy clothing.
  • Dresses for little girls means tights and dressy shoes too. Ugh.
  • I feel guilty about this, but I doubt we are even going to church on Easter… We actually rarely go to church, as Eric is usually working Sunday mornings and I’m not about to take two kids to church alone. He isn’t working Sunday morning, but I know Easter, of all days, means a ton of extra people in church, and dealing with all that with kids, well, the idea doesn’t thrill me. So basically, the only people to see these dresses will be my family.
  • Sure, we could take a ton of pictures. I actually really like taking pictures. I posted a few below I took of the girls yesterday. I just wish I knew more about photography so I could take better pictures. I like what I take, but I realize they don’t compare to professional.

So do I suck it up and put them in dresses because I feel like it’s expected of me? It’s what you do with little girls on Easter, right? Will I regret not getting cute Easter pictures if I don’t dress them up? And oh gosh, I guess I need to do Easter baskets too. Ugh, see? Why am I behind on everything? Everything is the last minute. And most things I do are because I feel like I should….