When I dropped the girls off at preschool this morning I was handed a packet of information. Nadia failed the eye screening and thus they recommend we follow up with her eye doctor. Ugh. Remember those almost daily appointments in Iowa City for her eyes? And for Nora’s too. If it isn’t one thing, it’s another. And God help me if she needs glasses at this age. She won’t even wear shirts with short-sleeves, much less glasses! I remember being told preemies have a much, much greater risk of eye issues later in life, since they are born with undeveloped eyes, but I was so wishing we’d miss that boat! Guess not! I guess I should be thankful I didn’t get a packet for Nora too. Maybe that is still coming… Maybe these school screenings are very accurate. I can hope, right? As at her last appointment at the University, they said everything looked great.
I’ve really, really been trying to limit my carbohydrates lately. I’ve been reading so much about how awful sugar is for us, how more than half the US population is going to be diabetic soon… well, depending on which study you read. So I’ve been trying to keep my daily carbs under 30g, which is close to keto, but probably not close enough. Not that my goal is keto. In fact, I know I’m not eating enough fat for what keto would need. I am obviously doing a good mix of fat and protein though. So… we’ll see. So far I lost a few pounds. I so crave sweets though. I keep thinking about donuts and my sugar filled coffees I used to buy every morning…
Before you freak out, I think it’s nothing scary or bad…
Maybe three weeks ago I started having quite a bit of pain in my left breast. I ignored it at first, thinking it was indigestion that was radiating there, taking Tums on and off and increasing my already prescribed daily dose of Prilosec. None of such took the pain away.
I’ll admit, I don’t do monthly self-breast exams, as ‘they’ say you should, mainly because I don’t really know what I’m looking for… Below is a great comparison of normal vs. fibrocystic breasts. I have fibrocystic, which makes self-exams extremely difficult in that there are areas of lumpy tissue that could be mistaken for something abnormal. Actually, I’m told both types of breasts shown below are technically normal, in that having fibrous breasts doesn’t make you any more prone to breast cancer.
Being I was having so much pain though, I started feelings around in the area where I thought the pain was coming from, and felt a lump larger than those around it, slightly larger than a pea maybe. It obviously scared me, so after having Eric feel it as well we decided we should at least have it looked it.
Last week I saw my Primary Care Physician (PCP) who sent me the same day for both a mammogram and ultrasound. First let me say, OMG, mammograms are not bad at all! Everyone have been telling me they are so painful, but that was not at all my experience. The radiologist came to talk to us, Eric went with me, while we were still in the ultrasound room… The lump in question didn’t appear abnormal on any of the scans, nor did my left breast appear any different on the scans than my right. I was told though, that I have very dense breast tissue and thus sometimes it’s difficult to get good scans of such tissue. For this reason they offered me a referral to a breast specialist for further evaluation.
I didn’t end up making a referral appointment. Not yet anyway. Eric isn’t fond of the local breast specialist, and actually, one of his partners wives is a breast specialist at the University, so Eric chatted with her. Her recommendation is to watch the lump for two months, if it’s still present at that time, she would like to do a biopsy.
So more to come on this in two months, or sooner if the lump increases in size before then…
Where to start on this week… It has not been great to say the least. Do you ever just feel like everything in your life is falling apart? If you’re not in a great mood yourself and don’t wish to be brought down, I encourage you not to read the rest of this post. I said way back what this blog was for, to get out my feelings and emotions. And that’s what I’m doing. If you think I’m too negative, well, you’re right, because this is my outlet for my negative feelings. I’d love support, but don’t need anyone to remind me of what I already know, that I’m really struggling with a lot right now.
I guess I can start with something a little positive. One of my calm places, where I tend to go when I feel stressed, is Barnes and Noble. If we had other book stores around here I’d go there, but this is pretty much the only one close. I’m not sure why I go, maybe the quiet atmosphere, wandering around with a coffee… I like reading, of falling into a good story, or learning something new, seeing a perspective different from my own. I’m actually quite sad that book stores don’t seem to be doing so well lately, I’d hate to think one of my favorite hangouts might no longer exist! Anyway, I found myself there Monday morning when I was particularly down, sad, distraught, you get the idea. I browsed the self-help section, I mean, seriously, all these books, isn’t there just one I can read and be fixed, feel happy, understand life and it’s struggles?? I came across “What I Know For Sure” by Oprah Winfrey. Now… I’m not a huge Oprah fan, I don’t really love or hate her. I don’t really even watch her talk show, but I have to assume she’s a smart lady who has been through a lot and learned some lessons over the years. I’m only on page 55, but so far I recommend. It’s an easy read, short, cute stories from her life. Nothing completely groundbreaking yet, but certainly a few tidbits I’ll try to remember when I’m feeling especially stressed, like how we should always dance, enjoy the little moments in life, persevere through our fear, etc.
This morning the MOMS Club I’m president of was supposed to hold their monthly, required, business meeting. Only me and one other board member (there are five of us on the board) RSVP to attend. So not even the entire board, much less not a single other member planned to come. So I cancelled it. But it will need to be rescheduled since it is required to hold our non-profit status and affiliation with MOMS Club International. I’m just so annoyed with the members, and the board. The board is supposed to support me, but even they are too lazy to come to the business meetings. I get they want the fun part, the playdates and such, but ugh. If we don’t also have the business side, which coordinates everything, then how can we have all the fun stuff?? If I just stop holding these meetings, the group will cease to exist. Is that what they want?? As if I don’t have enough in my life without feeling like I have to keep this moms club going. I don’t go to most of the playdates involving children. I usually stick to the moms stuff, like book club, moms night out, coffee talk, etc. I really like the moms I’ve met through the club, but most I’m close with are my age, but have children much older than mine, in school, and thus also have some free-time during the day.
So nothing on my calendar today except maybe dinner out with my MOPs ladies if Eric is home from work in time. I won’t know until the last-minute. I dropped the girls off at school and now I’m home, doing laundry. I’m not sure why I don’t like being home alone, or even home alone with the girls when Eric isn’t here. It’s like I don’t know how to spend the time, how to get through the hours. Or maybe I just feel too guilty relaxing… I know laundry is easy, and necessarily, but having that as my only task today feels quite depressing. I know I do much better, feel much happier I mean, when my calendar is more full, when I’m busy and feel like I’m contributing and accomplishing things. The weather was nasty again yesterday and so I picked up the girls early from school. And I was fearing that today would be nasty too and I’d be stuck at home all day with them. That shouldn’t feel like a bad thing, to be at home with your two and three-year old all day. But then why did it feel scary to me, lonely and depressing? Eric had to stay in Waterloo last night because of the weather, so maybe it was the idea of being with just the girls for days on end without help that felt so overwhelming. But still. How can I love them so much, but dislike being stuck at home with them? Does that say something about me as a mother?
Okay, moving on… I think I’ve been having panic attacks. If they are indeed panic attacks, they started this past weekend. Long story there that I’m not ready to go into. I guess to help explain though, I said and did some things that have broken trust between Eric and myself in our marriage. I feel awful, and am dedicated to making things better, to making him and I closer. For now though, I think the stress and anxiety, which I struggle with anyway, now feels heightened, and thus the panic attacks. The feelings I’m having include a racing heart, sweating, feeling in general like I’m burning up inside, sick to my stomach, sometimes my hands feel shaky… Once I was a bit light-headed and felt like I had to sit down. I’ll mention them to the doctor I see for depression, but my next check-up with her isn’t for almost a month yet. I’m hoping these don’t continue…
Eric and I have talked more and more about moving back to Cedar Falls, especially in light of this past weekends events. I know the distance, him commuting, essentially living between two households, has hurt our marriage and pulled Eric and I apart. Thankfully we are both commuted to making things better and stronger between us, but the how of that feels so enormous to me right now. Like how to even begin. I know sometimes it takes me a long time to make a decision, like moving back to Cedar Falls. It’s been on my mind for what feels like forever now. But now that I’m feeling like it’s the best choice for us, I want it now. I’m kind of like that with all my decisions. Once I make a choice, I want to work toward it, make it happen. It isn’t that easy though, our old house in Cedar Falls has renters and is currently for sale. We’d like to get that sold first. Then I assume we’d list our current home for sale. How long could all that take? And here I am feeling in limbo in the meantime. Moving again sounds so overwhelming to me, but with more bad weather coming and Eric being on-call and away again next week anyway, well, the feeling of wanting to be closer to him and together more is on my mind now more than ever. Looking back over the past several years, I haven’t felt at home. Not in Cedar Falls, and now not here. Could we move again, back to Cedar Falls, and finally make a house feel like a home? How? When? And what does moving the girls again do to them? Another new school? New friends, even though I know they are little and don’t remember much. But still. How do I not continue to feel like a visitor in my own house?