Sunday

According to my phone, it’s Sunday. Feels like a Tuesday or Friday. Everyday feels similar lately. The weekends don’t stand out, being Eric works most of them, this one included.

The only reason I’m writing is because both girls are napping, at the same time, which happens about once a month lately, so I needed to take advantage. I’m convinced Nadia’s heart medication is what messes with her sleep, basically eliminating her daytime naps… We are weaning her off it, so the naps are becoming a bit more regular, but still far from anything I’d consider normal for a child her age.

I didn’t have a sitter this past week. Don’t even get me started. I know, it was a holiday, so I expected her to take some time off, but I thought I was at least going to have her Friday and then she texted me Thursday that they were staying out-of-town through the weekend. I feel like that’s the issue with someone coming to your home, or taking your kids to their home… The dependability just isn’t there, it just doesn’t compare to a center. And while yes, I am a stay-at-home mom, I have a ton of crap planned, mostly doctors appointments for the girls multiple times a week now, and some outings for me as well, and it’s hard to rearrange everything at the last-minute. I feel like I’m that person, who is always cancelling appointments and rescheduling. And August is even a bigger mess with a sitter, as the one I love isn’t available as much as I thought, although she will be back in town for the school year. It’s probably time to place another ad on care.com and start the process of finding a sitter all over again. Even the idea terrifies me.

Which brings me to opening my own daycare center… Still in the research phase. Looking more into Goddard currently, although I’m scared it’s a bit too upscale for this area. My research so far is pointing to our previous city being a better fit. Of course. Of course! The same things I hate about this city are still biting me in the butt! There are definitely enough people here on wait-lists wanting childcare… I’m just not yet convinced there are enough families with enough disposable income to spend well above average for such a service. Granted, they would getting more than just childcare, but it’s getting families to want that, and pay for that, and see the value in it, which might be the issue here.

No word from the sellers of the house we made an offer on… A little part of me thought they might come back to us by now, but nothing yet. I do know they are having an open house today though.

I should be napping… I’m exhausted. I got our little pool out for Nora again this morning. It wears her out and thus she takes a good nap, but it wears me out too! It’s a ton of work to get it out, blow it up, with the pump thing, find all the pool toys, fill it with water, get her in a swim diaper and suit, find a blanket for Nadia and I to sit on, carry each of them down the 10 steep stairs into our backyard, slather them both with sunscreen, then make 17 more trips up and down the stairs for everything else I forgot, then bring everything in an hour later, remove wet suits and wash, re-clothe them in dry clothing and real diapers, drain the pool, blah blah blah. You get the idea. It’s so much work! Why are kids so much work?? I mean, I think I’m a pretty well-adjusted adult with lots of resources. How do younger moms with no help and fewer resources handle this?? And then I was taking Nadia’s infant carrier car seat and rock-n-play into the basement for storage and thought, we have way too much baby stuff not to have another kid. OMG, but it’s so much work!

Do I try to do too much at once? While all the pool stuff was going on, I was also doing laundry and general cleanup of the house. Still doing laundry. I’m still in my swimsuit, as no time to take that off. Just grabbing lunch for myself now… I miss work, where I felt like I was able to focus, and actually finish tasks. I still believe Eric thinks staying with the girls is easy, and maybe in some ways it is easier than working outside the home. But then how come I never seem to actually accomplish anything? Like making dinner while watching the girls… It feels impossible! Maybe Eric should try watching the girls in his operating room while he’s performing surgery. Yes! He should have to get them snacks, turn on the next “Daniel Tiger” episode, change their diapers, etc. And no help from the OR nurses or scrub techs either! That is how this feels to me. Like I’m doing several jobs as once. It’s so draining, and frustrating.

Last straw

Today might be the last straw. I can not live here any more. Can not.

  • Lack of shit in every category – Yesterday at 4pm I was looking for something to do as I had a sitter until 5pm. I seriously couldn’t find a place to go or something to do with a free hour of time. I went to Fareway to pick up groceries we really didn’t need.
  • Lack of healthcare options – I’ve been trying to get in with a therapist for over three months now as the one I was seeing when we moved here moved to Cedar Rapids. Finally one texted me back yesterday, said she was too busy to take on new patients but recommended another. I called this morning, that one isn’t taking new patients either.
  • Lack of decent real estate – Don’t even get me started on how we’ve been searching for a house since before we moved here.
  • Lack of available daycare – A part of me hates that we have someone come to our home to watch the girls. It forces me to leave as Nora clings to me if I’m home which means I just end up taking care of her. And ridiculous that we have been on a daycare waitlist here since I was pregnant with Nora. That was over two years ago.

My list could go on and on… But you get the idea.

And to add to my stress, the girls still have tons of appointments in Iowa City. I was just there. Nora has one Friday. Nadia has one Monday, the drive is wearing me out. And now with Nadia starting speech and physical therapy… which they still haven’t called me about…

And… Eric and I are at an impasse regarding his mother. I scheduled the girl’s baptisms for mid-August. I am not inviting her. He says she must be invited as she is his mother. How do we move forward when our wishes are complete opposites? I refuse to have my daughter’s baptism uncomfortable because of her presence. I am not ready to see her. I don’t see how this can work when I do not wish to have a relationship with her and he wishes to include her in everything regardless of her behavior and lack of acknowledgment.

Native 

I ordered this deodorant through a Facebook ad… No aluminum… It burns my armpits and now I’m getting a rash. I guess I’m going back to my (apparently) cancer-causes Secret brand. I’m still trying to figure out which ingredient is to blame though…

Exhausted

I must be doing things the hard way… I often wonder how others would act, what others would do, in my situations.

Recap of my day…

  • Finally got to sleep around midnight after feeding Nadia.
  • Nadia woke at 5:07am crying, fed her and thankfully she went back to sleep until 7ish when Nora woke, probably due to the noise of Eric leaving for work.
  • 7am to 10:30am is spent cleaning up, making a days worth of formula, unloading and reloading dishwasher, chugging coffee, washing sheets, folding towels which had been in the dryer for way too long, feeding Nadia again, dreaming up something for Nora’s breakfast that is easy to clean off the floor, yelling at Kona to stop barking, yelling at Nora to stop feeding the animals (Kona), etc.
  • At 10:30am I decide we need out of the house so I load the girls into the stroller and we go for a walk. It was nice to get out, warm but windy. I swear Cedar Falls, not Chicago, is the windy city.
  • Upon returning home Nora repeats ‘eat’ so I make her standard shells and cheese. One of the few foods she will actually eat.
  • While Nora is eating and Nadia is crying, as this is her standard behavior now unless I’m holding her, the new cleaning company calls.
  • Back-story… Several weeks ago I fired MaidPro. For so many reasons, but mainly because they were unprofessional, reeked of cigarette smoke, and were never on time.
  • So new company is Evergreen Specialty Cleaning, and so far, I’m not all that impressed. Cleaning-wise I think they do pretty good, not awesome, but certainly better than MaidPro. And the girls who come to clean are professional in appearance, they wear covers on their shoes, company shirts, don’t reek of smoke, so all good things there. The issue again though, is schedule. All I want is the same day/time each week. Is that really too much to ask for?? They rescheduled the first two cleanings and now this week is the third time they will have been here. Last time they came on Wednesday at 1pm so I assumed the same this week. Yesterday (Tuesday) they call and say that one of the girls isn’t feeling well so they need to come Thursday instead. Um, good thing they called or I would have been surprised when they just showed up yesterday. Then today they call and say that they had a cancellation so now an opening today, and also one of the girls wants to take a personal day Thursday, hence they needed to come today. Okay… They gave me one hour of notice to pick up my pigsty of a home so they could actually find the floors and counters and such to clean. When they walked in today they tell me they only have two hours free this afternoon so they will clean what they can and one girl will come back tomorrow to finish. I almost wanted to say forget it. I get things come up, but this has been every cleaning so far…
  • So cleaners are here from 1pm-3pm which means Nora doesn’t go down for a nap until 3pm… way too late. I continue to offer Nadia food which she sometimes will take and sometimes won’t, and she continues to cry unless I’m holding her. The three of us feel like prisoners in our own home, stuck in the lower level.
  • I thought the worst part of teething was when the teeth are actually breaking through the gums… That part is over for Nadia’s bottom two front teeth, why is she still sooooo fussy?? I don’t feel any more coming in right now.

  • Nora wakes at 4:20pm, we go outside for a bit, which is a pain as again, Nadia wants to be held and that’s hard outside. And every time I run into the house to get something for Nadia, Nora follows me up the steps of the deck inside, which are really steep. I guess we need a gate at the bottom in addition to the gate we have at the top.
  • I decide to feed Nora chicken nuggets while we are outside playing. Something different as far as the setting, maybe she will eat more. No, still like two nuggets and she is done, well, after she squeezed the applesauce pouch all over. I guess at least we are outside…
  • Nadia is still crying so I make her a bottle and Nora follows me inside, again. I give up on being in the backyard and let Nora play at her water-table on the deck. She is soaking so needs a bath.
  • After bath she claims she needs to ‘eat’ so I give her the cold nuggets she didn’t finish from her first dinner, and other things. Of which she takes like two bites.
  • It’s 7:30pm by now and Nadia is rubbing her eyes so I get another bottle, a binkie, and attempt to rock her to sleep. Nora brings her iPad into Nadia’s room and watches Peg + Cat. Yeah, go ahead, click the link, I’ll wait. The voice that will talk to you is the one I hear in my dreams. And nightmares.
  • 8pm make bottle for Nora, find her binkie and blanket and read her a few books before putting her to bed. She is still thrashing around in her bed and talking to herself now an hour later. I’ve gone in three times so far to stick Nadia’s binkie back into her mouth.
  • Eric still isn’t home. He only had four surgeries scheduled today but apparently something bad came into the ER when he was finally ready to come home, so he’s still there.
  • Dinner was supposed to be this, I even got the meat marinating while Nora was napping, but since I had no clue when Eric would be home, I didn’t actually prepare the rest of the ingredients. My biggest complaint is never knowing when Eric will be home. It’s not like he can even contact me most days… So I just sit here and wait and wonder. I usually pick three or so recipes each week and get all the ingredients ahead of time, but I’m beginning to feel like this effort is pointless. Eric is rarely home to eat with me, and it’s so hard to cook while watching two little kids. I really want to offer Nora at least one healthy, real meal each day, but she is hungry at 5pm or so and needs to be in bed by 7pm or so… so waiting for Eric to get home to help me with dinner and the kids is pretty much impossible. Thus, Nora eats junk, and so do I. Tonight I had La Casa’s White Queso. So healthy, I know.
  • So it’s 9pm, I guess I go to bed… Another day complete. Sort of.

Stressed

I’ve thought about writing this post for over a week now.  So much is going on in our lives right now, I don’t even know where to start.  There is so much I want to say, but a lot I’m not sure I should say on such a public forum.  I don’t want to publicly complain/rant, although you all know I’ve used this blog as my outlet, and it’s helped me immensely in the past.  I hate to think that the purpose of this blog needs to change…  I guess I just need to figure out a way to release my feelings and ask for advice while still respecting some family member’s privacy and dignity.  Sounds difficult though.

Before I get into the heavy stuff, a recap on a few things…

Gestational Diabetes sucks.  I’m not gonna lie.  And it’s confusing as heck.  I think I’m getting the hang of what I can eat to stay within my carb limits as determined by my OB and dietitian…  That said though, sometimes my blood sugar numbers are all over the place for reasons I can’t figure out.  Maybe stress…  A few morning my fasting numbers have been too high.  Which sucks is that is one of the times it’s really difficult to control with eating, since it’s fasting, and therefore one of the most common reasons why women are put on medications during pregnancy.  I’d really, really like to avoid medication for this if at all possible, mainly because it complicates the pregnancy even more.  And we all know my list of complications seems too long already.  A few mornings, even though I’ve eaten the exact same breakfast for almost a week now, my numbers have been too high.  Like why would the exact food make it fine one day and high the next???  Ugh.  I know, a lot plays into this, but still.  It feels like a guessing game sometimes.  And while I feel like I’m doing the best I can, every time I have a high number I feel horribly guilty like I’m harming this baby girl.  And for reasons I’ll go into below, Eric has been completely unavailable to discuss all this with me, help me with choosing the right foods, or even encourage me.  It sucks feeling like I’m doing this, as well as the rest of this pregnancy, mainly alone.

As I posted a few days ago, I made it to 30 weeks!  Only five more Makena shots as they stop at 35 weeks when doctors feel the risks of a pre-term baby are lower than those of continuing the injections.  And honestly, to me, 35 weeks seems full term after having Nora at 29 weeks!  In fact, as each day passes I get less and less nervous.  I know if born now baby would still go to the NICU, but each day is a blessing and a hope that she would only be there to grow and not to fight illnesses as Nora did.

Eric is still working crazy hours with tons of days on-call and thus leaves me home with Nora to navigate and manage pretty much everything.  (What am I going to do once baby girl is born???)  I know it’s not his choice to be this busy, the need here for Urologists is just so great.  But at the same time, I’d take way less money, live in a much more exciting place, with more time with him, in a heartbeat.  All the money in the world isn’t worth rarely being able to sleep because your patients need you at all hours of the day and night…  And while I completely respect his dedication, I also resent it often.  More on that later…

Okay, so the heavy stuff…  Where to start.  I don’t even know if all family members have been made aware, so I feel I can’t really reveal too much.  In fact, if you know us in real life I ask you please not say anything to Eric just yet.  I assume he will tell friends and others when he feels the time is right…  I can say that a family member of Eric’s is very sick, as in life or death sick.  We just found out last week, so still perhaps in the shocked phase, maybe even the denial phase.  This family member doesn’t live near us, well, no family lives where we do, they are roughly 90 miles away, in the hospital, well, just moved out of the ICU today, but still in the hospital.  Eric has made several trips back and forth during the past two weeks, basically taking off work whenever he could and staying over night either at his family member’s home before they were in the hospital, and now in a hotel near the hospital.  I’m sure I could write paragraphs and paragraphs on this topic, but I’m tired and just don’t have the words right now, so for now, I’ll say this…

  • Eric has basically no time for Nora and me, even before we realized this family member was deathly ill.  Now his time is stretched even thinner, his priority being this family member.
  • Eric has not worked much the past two weeks, somehow managing to cancel his clinic appointments and scheduled surgeries to travel out-of-town for visits with family.  He got back into town today having been gone for the past three days, is on-call, and immediately got called into the hospital for a trauma in the ER.  Ugh.  So alone here again.
  • Managing everything here alone is a lot for me, being pregnant, feeling like I could have this baby any day.  We don’t have family here, what would I do if I needed to go to the hospital all the sudden?  Drive myself and take Nora with me???
  • I know Eric feels completely overwhelmed right now, I get it, I do, but at the same time I feel like he is neglecting responsibilities at home.  Not that he can really do it all, no human can, but he’s choosing other family members over his little family here at home.  And maybe that is how it should be…  Maybe I just don’t understand.
  • I’ll be the first to admit that I’m terribly jealous.  I constantly feel as though Nora and I come last.  Eric knows at the end of the day he comes home, after all his work is complete, and we are here.  It sucks, but it’s the truth.  He’s been to one of my pre-natal checks this pregnancy, and only because he happen to already be off that day.  He doesn’t take off for Nora’s appointments, which are difficult for me.  Somehow he all the sudden has a lot of time off to see this close family member.  I get it, I’m not dying.  But I can’t help but feel jealous and a little bitter.  Or maybe a lot.  I want to be important to Eric.
  • Because I feel so jealous I feel as though I’m not supporting Eric.  And I know that’s horrible of me.  I need to find a way to comfort him, but I don’t know how.  Maybe partly because I’ve never lost someone really close to me…

Oh gosh, there is so much more to say…  But maybe for another day.  I ask for strength, advice, and prayers 🙂

This is fun…

Since I can’t shower, or run the errands I need to, or pump in my own home for fear of a random man seeing me, I figured I’d use the time to finally update those who still find my life interesting 🙂

We are moved.  And we finally closed on the property, so it’s actually ours now.  Took a few extra days, but such is life.  At least the delayed closing didn’t delay our move-in plans.  And speaking of closing, this is the second house Eric and I purchased where I signed for both of us.  Funny to me, since he’s the only one working now!

My mom was here last week and helped me tremendously, an extra set of hands with Nora and Kona helps sooooo much.  We unpacked and organized the essential rooms, like the kitchen and Nora’s bedroom, and even got a handle on the bathrooms and guest bedroom.  Honestly though, the house still resembles one of those homes on hoarders.  Stuff everywhere, and oh, not a lot of furniture, as I still haven’t made the time to go look and get some ordered.  And no window treatments yet either…  Do you think my new neighbors watch me pump in the middle of the night?  Surely they are sleeping, right???

So I’m on my own this week, and feeling more stressed.  Our yard is still dirt, although the landscapers promise they are coming soon.  And as soon as we have sod I need to schedule the fence install.  For the time being though I have to walk Kona across the street to an empty lot for her bathroom breaks.  It’s a pain for me and for her and she obviously misses her space to run and play.  And why is it she always wants to go outside at the exact moment Nora decides she needs to eat NOW?  I’m only one person, with only two hands!

Eric hasn’t been much more help than he was as a resident when it comes to time at home.  He’s been busy and working late most nights, which I guess I should have expected, especially with a new practice.  I find myself doing the things I wish he was here to help with, like traveling back to our previous home, with Nora, to finish clearing out items from the storage room, some large items even.  Just totally sucks feeling so responsible for everything around here.  I mean granted, he’s responsible by working full-time and supporting us, but I feel like there should be more to his role than simply providing money.  He is awesome with Nora, and I’m so thankful for that, but even that time is limited.  I long for the days when he and I can just relax together with Nora…

So far my days here are a mix of tending to Nora and wandering the house, wondering where to start.  I go from room to room, seeing half empty boxes and random items placed about, and just feel completely overwhelmed.  I do need to order furniture, and that’s supposed to be fun, right?  But it feels more like a chore now.  And as Nora is getting a little older, the amount of time she spends sleeping is lessening, which makes running errands with her all the more difficult.  I still haven’t found really any time away from her, which must be wearing on me.  Eric told me to hire a nanny, but I feel guilty doing that when I’m not working outside the home.  And even if I did hire someone a few hours a week to help, I wouldn’t even know how to go about it since I was discouraged from taking a preemie to a center with other children for at least a year.

Oh right, so back to the fun part.  After the closing my builder stopped over to explain that there were a few items he wanted to redo in the house, items he didn’t feel were acceptable as completed by his team.  I honestly can’t remember all of the items, but below are a few, if you’re still reading 😉

  1. Replace granite kitchen island top, as it was ordered too short.  I honestly hadn’t even noticed, although I did wonder why the lights weren’t centered over it.
  2. Rip out tiled master shower and completely replace.  Again, I wouldn’t have complained about this, but I did notice several tiles weren’t placed precisely as they should have been.
  3. Replace several kitchen drawers as they don’t slide and close correctly.  Super annoying!
  4. Replace master bathroom counter top, raw edge is exposed.  Not even sure how this happens!
  5. Move air register in kitchen as it was placed in the walkway.  Who wants to step on that all the time!  The guy was already here though and said since the basement is finished they’d have to rip into the ceiling downstairs.  That sounds messy!FullSizeRender (45)

Okay, so you get the idea…  Some changes that involve some work.  They told me several contractors were scheduled today starting at 8:30am.  And right on time the doorbell rang!  So far one group of men unhooked my dishwasher and removed the faucets in the kitchen and master bathroom.  Another group of men replaced white air registers with tan and got some FanTech ventilation system to work.  They were also the group that was supposed to remove that kitchen register in the walkway, but decided they didn’t come prepared and would need to schedule that out in the future.  And another group just replaced the bathroom counter top… but apparently the other team has to put the faucet back in.  Um, I hope that’s happening today!  And I hope the kitchen will be all complete and working again soon!  And what do I do in the meantime?  Continue to hang out in my PJs??

In Nora news, she finally no longer seems like a newborn.  Five months is a long time to care for a newborn, I might add!  In the last few weeks I’ve really noticed a change in her, she is grabbing items and holding onto toys, babbling and cooing, responding more to Eric and me, acts like she’s actually paying attention when we read to her, chews on her hands, smiles at Kona, and the best part, she’s been sleeping through the night the past week!  We weighted her last night, she was up to 9 lbs 9.5 oz already!  And I think she is finally moving out of newborn size clothing!  I know I shouldn’t wish these days away, I should cherish all these fun moments of her being tiny, but I’m just so excited to watch her learn and grow!

Alright, I guess I’ll go wash some bottles in my guest bathroom sink…

Annoyed

Down to 78 days of work, but am I seriously going to make it???  I officially sent the email to my boss this morning around 9am with my end date…  And by noon coworker N already knew the date.  Like seriously?  He said our boss told him.  How did they possibly have time to discuss my plans so quickly??  Does anyone else find that very odd?  Makes me wonder how often they meet to discuss my exit…  I’m so over that place!

My Wit’s End

Sorry, this is a venting post.  Skip if you wish 🙂

I’m about at my wit’s end with work…  I’m honest to God sitting here, staring at my computer, wondering if all this is really worth it.  The time, the frustration, the money, the effort…  I’m not convinced it is.  Granted, my boss has removed most of my prior work obligations, and therefore my days are left rather empty, but what is left for work is completely ridiculous.  I did not obtain a masters degree to complete intern-level assignments.  And really, the taxpayers shouldn’t be paying me for such either.  I’m frankly bored out of my mind.  And yes, I could see this as an opportunity to earn money while remaining underutilized, a cushy job if you will, but I’m learning that not enough work, and work that is beneath me, is far more stressful than mind-challenging tasks which would excite and stimulate my brain.

None of this is new though.  Ever since my boss was made aware of my pregnancy I’ve slowly been down-graded on the totum pole here.  What is new though, is N’s more consistent overstepping of boundaries within his own role.  Our boss is on vacation this week, and twice today N has forwarded work to me, emails/issues originally sent to him which he is fully capably of handling.  See the thing is, N wants to be noticed, wearing suits and ties when even the higher-ups in my area don’t.  He is obsessed with sucking up to anyone in administration he deems important, anyone who can promote his career.  I am clearly not like this, I never had been, even when my career was of the utmost importance to me.  N basically is refusing to allot any time to work which doesn’t get him noticed.  And frankly, everyone’s role here includes some of such work, it’s just how life works.  You do the fun and exciting with the not so fun and not so exciting.  But oh no, not N I guess.  The emails he’s been forwarding to me as those which are unexciting, messy work which involve no higher-ups.  Simply unglamorous issues that need to be handled.

So I called him on it…  He gave me this lame-o line about how he didn’t know whose role this type of work was…  Um, hello, whoever receives the request!!  It’s called work for a reason, it’s not always fun!  I’ve never seen myself as above anyway, but N is really pushing my limits.  He is younger than myself, with far less experience.  I’m not okay with him treating me as his employee.  If he has work he can’t accommodate, he really should be discussing roles with our boss, and not taking it upon himself to redistribute the work.

Another example…  N scheduled a meeting with me earlier this week, again, our boss being on vacation.  I ‘accepted’ the calendar invite but later stressed to him I didn’t see the need to meet this week, being many questions and answers would be expected from management.  If you can believe it, his response was that he was going to be making the decisions.  He even went as far as to say his decisions would be more trustworthy than our boss’s.  I was speechless.  I have never before in my life met someone who so blatantly over-steps boundaries and authority, taking it upon themselves to better their own situation.

113 days until baby is due and my employment here ends.  How will I make it??