Weed Killer and Fertilizer

I might be looking too far into this… but look at the chart below…

Not sure how well you can see it, but the yellow highlight is the day our lawn care company came and sprayed on a treatment of weed killer/lawn fertilizer. All the -1’s that follow in the rows under their respective symptom, show Nadia’s reaction. Yes, it could be a coincidence that her reaction was after the treatment. She could have been exposed to something the day before on kindergarten visit day. But just seems odd to me. And I know these products for your lawn are awful for people… And we keep the girls and dog away from the yard after applications. But I also know our neighbors would FREAK OUT if out lawn had weeds. They freak if our cutting schedule is a day off. Don’t even get me started on them.

I just emailed a company that advertises safe, organic lawn care products. Is that even a thing? Can we kill weeds and not harm ourselves?

The Body Keeps the Score

I’m only about halfway through this book, but so far, it’s fascinating. I mean, if you’re into self-help medical information type books. Why am I reading this you ask… I’m not sure. It sounded interesting. And the more I read, the more I think my girls have trauma from their NICU days. Or I do. Maybe we all do! I’ll post some thoughts when I finish.

14 Days

Fourteen days until Nora is finished with 1st grade and Nadia graduates from preschool. The countdown is on. Just this morning I posted a nanny position. I’ll be the first to admit I am not great stuck at home with the girls for weeks on end. COVID proved that. They are sort of homebodies though, so hopefully we can find a college girl who wants to play with worms and read to them all summer, LOL.

Nadia was doing so so so so good. Until two weeks ago. She attended kindergarten visit day, which she was so excited about, and happily walked into without hardly saying good-bye to me. The next day the angry outbursts started all over again, and haven’t stopped yet. I’ve tried to think of what changed. Maybe she was exposed to a new person with a new virus. Maybe the school has a ton of mold? Maybe one of her supplements is causing too much detox too fast? How the hell am I supposed to know. This PANS shit is such a guessing game. One that feels never-ending and ever so complicated. Half the time I don’t even know what we’re fighting… But we proceed. One day at a time. And hope tomorrow is better.

I still haven’t heard back about how Nora’s school evaluation turned out. I assume they are still working on it… She is almost in second grade now though. Remember, fourteen days. I feel like if reading is an issue we need to get onto solving the problem.

Nora is still really sad at school drop off each morning. Do you think she’ll be different next year when she is the big sister to Nadia there? Will Nora take on a more leading role and show Nadia around? I hope…

I think she is growing up, and so begins to dream dreams, and have hopes and fears and fidgets, without knowing why or being able to explain them.

Louisa May Alcott


Nadia has been waking up the past few nights, which I thought was odd, as she had been sleeping sooooo well. Last night she fell asleep in her bed before I could even say goodnight. And then woke around 11pm with a fever. And a cough. And a stuffy nose. Hopefully it’s nothing. Nora was very upset she had to go to school and Nadia got to stay home. I assured Nora we wouldn’t have any fun without her today, LOL.

Remember how Nadia was going to join Nora’s gymnastics class starting next week? Well, got an email this morning that since Nora is now seven she can move up to the next class level. Great. How will I tell them they won’t be together in class after all?! They were looking so forward to it…

And there is snow on the ground today. Not a lot, but enough. I was so hoping spring was just around the corner, but it seems living in Iowa is always full of fun weather surprises.

I’m running out of ideas for what to feed the girls. Seriously, if I take out gluten and dairy, what the heck is left? Lately we have been doing a lot of organic non-GMO no sugar added applesauce, grass fed beef sticks, some random gluten-free snack bars… but that’s only snacks. And it seems they eat the same snacks over and over and over. How much variety do you feed your children? Thinking of meals they will actually eat is so overwhelming to me. Last night was a complete fail. Nora had gymnastics until 6:30pm so on the way home I picked up McDonalds. Awful. Eating that crap at 7pm and then going to bed, ugh. And I don’t really want to drag Nadia to the grocery store sick today… I admit, I’m really awful with planning ahead, or meal planning in general. There should be a class to teach me! I know there are tons of books out there, but most of the meals they use for examples in those books aren’t things my girls will eat. Does anyone use a fun app that actually makes the planning easier? I’ve tried a few, but never stuck with them. Help!

Long Overdue Update

I kind of suck at writing lately. Which is a shame as I really like to write… but finding the time seems hard these days. Although really, what the heck do I do with my time??

Today is Wednesday. Wednesdays seems busier than most. Nora gets out of school early, Nadia doesn’t have pre-school but does have ballet in the morning, and Nora has gymnastics on Wednesday evenings. And starting next week Nora and Nadia will have gymnastics together! Oh, and it’s gloomy today. Raining, dark, not cold, but also not warm at around 40ºF.

Tomorrow Nora’s school speech therapist will be meeting with her. I have several concerns about her speech, stuttering, possible lisp, baby talk (a sign of PANS & PANDAS), and she still wants to spit out some chewed food, which I know is related to the muscles in the mouth and using them correctly. Or possibly a sensory issue with textures and such. Way back when we did feeding therapy with Nora, hopefully we don’t have to restart that.

Next Tuesday I’m getting back together with Nora’s teacher and their Area Education Agency representative to discuss the actual evaluation they want to do. I tell ya, this process is so long and drawn out! Just do the evaluation and let’s stop talking about doing it! Reminds me of all the meetings I had in my previous career life…

I will say, I think Nora is doing a lot better reading all the sudden. Maybe she doesn’t have an issue and just needed more time for it all to click… I guess we’ll see.

I’m still working with the doctor in Minnesota for Nadia’s PANS issues, and we are now having Nora treated as well. We don’t have an official diagnosis for Nora, but maybe it doesn’t matter. I’d rather treat the real issues than spend time deciding on a name for what’s wrong. In my mind, the real issue with both the girls is a combination of their crappy immune systems, and leaky gut, which are really tired together. Basically everything they eat and ingest, so not just the actual food, but the toxins on our US food, bacteria, viruses, the crap in water, the air, everything basically, leaks through their gut then into their blood and eventually crosses the blood/brain barrier. Their immune systems can’t fight everything like a ‘normal’ person’s could, thus we end up with all these random issues, including, but certainly not limited to behavior/mental health issues, skin rashes, sleep issues, stomach aches, brain fog, night sweats, God, the list is so long I can’t even really begin to list it all. So our treatment is varied as well, cleaning up their diets, which feels impossible with kids, cleaning up our environment to get rid of toxins, like our water filters, air filters, buying healthier of everything, and treating current infections and bacteria, plus making their immune systems stronger so eventually it can fight all this on it’s own. Which is all a lot easier said than done. I’m exhausted from preparing their medications and supplements each morning and night. They are sick of taking them. And even harder is cleaning up our diet. I’m trying to buy as much organic as I can. We are supposed to eliminate gluten and dairy, not because they are celiac, but because gluten and dairy cause inflammation in the gut in everyone. Of course the girls wants to live on white carbs. Probably part of the reason we are in this situation. So the eating is very, very difficult. And honestly, we aren’t completely gluten or dairy free. I fail daily. But it’s a process. Less is better.

Honestly, Nadia is doing really, really well currently. Not only is she wearing pants on a daily basis, she is also wearing underwear on a daily basis. THIS IS HUGE. I know it doesn’t sound huge, but it is, for us.

Otherwise, life feels very uneventful. There are only 35 more school days. Can’t believe that. I already registered Nadia for Kindergarten this fall, and Nora for 2nd grade. Can’t believe that either.

We had our final mental health evaluation for our surrogate process. Gosh, did I even mention all that?? Well, we did, so now we are in the waiting phase… We wait for the agency to find a ‘match’ for us. Our contract says they have ten months to do that, if I remember correctly. So we wait…