Time Flies

I seriously don’t know where the time goes… I haven’t written in weeks! Quick updates, neither house is sold, but Hiawatha house is officially listed with a realtor… So who wants to buy it??? There was an open house yesterday and can you believe some neighbor stopped by and said they wanted help in deciding who their new neighbors would be…

In other news I’ve been sick for days. I thought maybe I had a sinus infection but I seem to be getting better without antibiotics, so maybe just a bad cold. I joined a gym and today is the first day of the new session of Next Level classes. Basically where they work you so hard you die. I’m not sure if I’m completely well enough to workout, but we’ll see. I hate to miss the first day. Isn’t that like missing the first day of school when all the important information is given?

Speaking of ‘school’ or daycare, or whatever you want to call it. The girls are still crying at drop-off. I feel so horrible. The only thing that keeps me taking them there is the fact that they are smiling and having fun when I pick them up each day. This daycare/preschool actually has three large centers spaced throughout our city. Apparently it’s the place to go here. Anyway, I noticed on their Facebook page this morning they are looking for a Finance Director. It sparked my interest, well, because that’s what I know, what I’m qualified to do… I’m actually quite over-qualified for what they are looking for, and they are a non-profit, so I assume the pay is shit, but… I feel like I need more in my life, although I’m not sure a full-time job, doing something similar to my career before I had children, will really make me happy. Maybe it’s part-time… ha! Maybe I’ll apply… and just see what it’s all about…

Keep Writing…?

I’m not sure the point of this blog anymore… It used to be therapy for me. Now it feels like one more thing I’m supposed to make time for, time I don’t have. I enjoy writing though. And please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m not sure what I’m getting back from this blog. I soooo appreciate your comments and advice, I honestly do. But don’t we all need to feel like what we do is worthwhile? I used to get a sense of calm by writing down my feelings, especially when we were going through IVF and our NICU stays. Now I’m not sure though. I know some people have made their blogs into a business, but I’m not sure that’s where I want to take this, or even how I would. Write a book maybe? Who would read it?? What would I write about, that thousands of SAHMs haven’t already written? A NICU survival guide? Am I qualified to write such a thing? I feel like my preemies weren’t born early enough or tiny enough to really know what it’s like to have to survive the NICU. Or maybe feeling that way is a huge problem in itself. It was traumatic for me, but who wants to keep hearing that again and again and again? Start a non-profit to raise money? We need no more money. I should just donate more to worthy causes.

This morning I made a comment to Eric that it must be nice to wake up, shower, and think only of oneself. I meant, not to have to think about getting our girls up and ready, feed them, get them off to school, etc. It probably came out the wrong way, as he was instantly a bit defensive, stating how he wasn’t heading off to a vacation, and reminding me he has to drive 60 miles before he can even begin his day. Still, to me, those things seem somehow easier than trying to get a two and three year-old to eat breakfast and go potty…

I realize there are parts of Eric’s job he doesn’t love. He loves operating, he doesn’t love clinic as much as he loves operating. Today is a clinic day for him. But… he chose his career. Did I choose to be a SAHM? I don’t recall making that choice. I recall the NICU telling us, with both our girls, to keep them out of daycare for the first year of life…

I’m at a point in my life where I know my strengths and weaknesses from a professional standpoint. I’m afraid to say though, that if I saw an advertisement showing the duties of a SAHM, I probably wouldn’t apply…

For now, I’ll leave you with a few photos of Nora… she discovered the selfie!

Happy Friday!

We made it to another Friday. Eric is on-call this week, and worked late EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. I know I should be used to his schedule by now… but I’m not. I still get angry, discouraged, disappointed, overwhelmed, etc. when I hear he’s going to be late. Why is it the girls have to both cry and whine from 5-7pm?? Yesterday Nora and I were playing outside around 4:30pm and I saw several neighbors arrive home, I assume from work. Made me sad that scenario can’t be my reality.

Yesterday Eric was seeing patients at his Ft. Dodge clinic. Now I know this will piss some of you off, but… would I be a good blogger if I didn’t sometimes post controversial stuff? So I’ll just say it. I hate Eric has a clinic there. He is more than busy with his patients in the darn city where we live. I travel to Iowa City all the freaking time to see specialists, as I understand that some surgical specialties aren’t available in smaller cities. (Supply and demand people.) Ft. Dodge is small. Can’t those people travel for their care, just like I do all the freaking time with the girls? Eric going there a few times a month means even less time with him.

Monday is Eric’s birthday, and it sounds like for his gift he wants to spend the weekend away with his dad’s brother and family. I forget where now, but I think it’s a 3-4 hour drive from us. His uncle has a cabin on a lake and is inviting a bunch of people to stay the weekend. Not my kind of time away, and I have little to no desire to sit in a car with little ones for any length of time. Eric wants to go though, and mentioned this morning he would like to take Nora. Now, I personally think it’s a horrible idea, but I’m not going to tell him no. I just think once he gets there with her he might regret it. Kids out-of-town, overnight, are a lot of work. Plus, he wants to stop on the way back and spend time with some friends in Des Moines that he hasn’t seen in a while. The weekend would be easier for me with just Nadia… Another weekend alone though. I did purchase gifts for Eric, whiskey glasses and an aluminum wallet. Eric is very picky… so we’ll see.

In other news… I think I’m having a mid-life crisis. Am I in my mid-life?? Anyway… You know I still have the idea of opening a coffee shop in the back of my mind… But I have other ideas too. Maybe I have too many ideas. I need to focus and narrow down my options. But how? And are any if these good ideas when I have two little girls? And would like a third child at some point… which would probably be another high-risk pregnancy ending in the birth of a preemie…

There is the traditional job avenue. Meaning, what I was doing before I had the girls. I started updating my resume a few weeks ago, but I’m not extremely motivated to get back into boring finance/accounting work… Do you blame me? Also, being we are in the 39% tax bracket, and I pay our sitter $12.50 an hour, I might end up bringing home less than I pay our nanny. Depressing. Yes, something to be said for working and being happy, but still. Plus, the search for jobs in this area hasn’t turned up much. Seems this city is all about labor and manufacturing positions. Which doesn’t surprise me.
So new idea… And this might surprise some of you, but what about me opening a salon/spa? I have the business background with my undergrad in Finance and MBA, but I would obviously need the trade schooling. We have a couple of options here in town, my fear though, is that I’d be in classes with 18 year olds. Being 37 and having worked in professional environments, I just have a strange feeling I might be a little out-of-place. Crazy idea? I’m not so sure the idea of doing hair interests me as much as skin care/make-up. And I realize the money isn’t going to come from offering those services myself, but rather from owning the business. I have not mentioned this idea to Eric yet… I wonder what his response will be.

Overwhelmed

I felt very overwhelmed and unmotivated today. I had a terrible time focusing at work. I mean, from my boss’ perspective I was a model employee, as I responded to every request and email I received. But from my own perspective, well, maybe I’m being too hard on myself. Just didn’t have any interest in being at work today, although when do I lately.

My mind feels overwhelmed. It’s nearing year-end at work, obviously a busy time for accounting/finance. My team is one member short as of today, which certainly doesn’t make things better. I feel emotionally off most days, which doesn’t mix well in a professional environment. And on top of that, I feel like arriving home at night is just the beginning of more work. Even laundry and cleaning lately seem more than I can handle. And on top of that, trying to rent/sell rental property. One lady called me four times in 60 minutes today. I mean seriously! Of course I didn’t answer. I’m not Debbie! But that meant my free-time tonight needed to focus on real estate ‘stuff’ for lack of a better term. Just feels often like my life is consumed by obligations. I can’t think of one single thing I enjoy in my life that I get to experience on a somewhat regular schedule, I mean, truly enjoy and look forward to. I would say Eric, but our time together is seriously seldom. I workout, I work, I come home and work more, I go to bed, and then do it all over again the next day. I wait for the workdays to end, essentially wishing my weeks and months away. What kind of life is that? There is more to life than this, right???

I’m trying to look forward to the future, hoping it’s different, better. But what if it isn’t? What if Eric and I don’t find ourselves with several smaller versions of ourselves within the next five years? In six years I’ll be 40, how can that be? What if Eric’s schedule doesn’t improve next year? What if we’re never that family that actually has time to spend with one another on weekends and holidays?

In conversations lately it’s come to my attention that the majority of people’s lives revolve around their children. Ask any parent of a child under 18 what they did last weekend and I’m fairly certain they will include the child in the description of their Saturday or Sunday. But what should my life be revolving around in the meantime, when child aren’t a part of my family? Will I always be stuck in this meantime, waiting for my life to begin?

6w3d

You know those people who are so incredibly negative? Well, try working next to one for 40+ hours a week. Let’s call her Debbie, short for Debbie Downer. And no, I really could care less if she ends up reading this. I swear, either she goes or I go, but I can’t continue working in such close proximity to her. Just not healthy for me. I don’t even know how to explain how bothersome and disruptive to my days she has become. Okay, let me try…

She talks to her computer, often loudly. No, it’s more like she yells at her computer if it happens to think for a second longer than she feels appropriate. When I first started I used to think she was talking to me. Now I know to ignore her outbursts. But seriously, what adult does that? Don’t they make meds for anxiety? Because she clearly is not handling hers well.
When she is particularly annoyed with her computer, or the air, or God knows what, she announces that she must look for a new job. I’ve only worked with her a year so far and apparently something is wrong as she’s been looking for a job the entire time, but darn it, she is still here.
She expects important people to know her, and loudly announces her displeasure when they don’t. Um, this hospital is huge. We are nobodies in finance. If the CFO did know my name, I’d be alarmed. Get over it lady. Just do your job and shut up.
She doesn’t eat. I’m not sure why this bothers me, as honestly, it doesn’t have much to do with me, other than I realize it’s normal for humans to consume food. Hello! No wonder she has to wear her winter coat all summer with her space heater running full blast. Humans have fat for a reason.
She’s extremely passive-aggressive. Yes, this is never a good quality in a person, now is it? Example… One day I walked to get lunch from one of our cafes with several other co-workers. We did not invite her to walk with us. I don’t like her and frankly wanted away from her, if only for a few minutes, so obviously I wasn’t going to invite her. I can’t speak for the others. Anyway, we got back to our desks with lunch and she sends me an IM that her coworkers hurt her feelings. Who says that to one of the people who did it??? I mean really. We are adults here. I’m not obligated to ask her each day if she wants to walk to get lunch. Although, if I did, she would always say no anyway since she doesn’t freaking eat!
She is constantly on the phone with her husband or kids. Now again, I could care less how people spend their time at work. She is not on my team and thus her time doesn’t matter to me. What bothers me though is that she is constantly complaining that she doesn’t have enough time to complete her work. This I hear non-stop. Well lady, if you’d let your husband and kids have a few free minutes from your bitching, maybe your work would be complete!
She clearly feels she is entitled to a hefty raise. She told us all that today. And not quietly either, I might add. I assume her boss heard. I assume everyone’s boss heard.
She’s nosy. On a regular basis she sneaks up behind me, scaring the shit outta me, and asks what I’m working on. Um, work, isn’t that what people do at work?? And the other day I picked up a refill of PIO from the pharmacy, arriving back at my desk with a white bag that clearly stated pharmacy. She had the nerve to ask what goodies I purchased. Um, honey, these are far from goodies, but so nice of you to openly point out to our area my pharmacy run.

Okay, I could really go on and on, but I feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about her. I do realize that I am not always an extremely positive person, but to the outside world, especially at work, I keep my composure. I just wish she would keep her outbursts and opinions to herself, as she is seriously dragging me down. I searched for jobs online last night, simply because I couldn’t imagine going back to work this morning and being forced to deal with her.

In other news, I have a few concerns. First, my hip feels strangely numb. A few weeks ago one of my progesterone shots Eric gave me bruised quite badly. Really the only shot that has ever left a mark, which also stung for hours, which is odd as well. Anyway, a few days later my hip on that side felt odd. And it’s not necessarily where the shot was given, it’s lower on the side. It feels numb is the best way I can describe it. I asked Eric about it and he said we must have hit a nerve and that the feeling will come back in time. Has anyone else experienced this?

Other concern… I didn’t feel the best today. I wouldn’t say I was nauseous though, I just felt off. I woke up this morning and felt hot and sweaty, you know how you feel when you have a fever? But I highly doubt I actually had one. I felt a bit better after I showered and thus headed to work. Shortly after arriving I realized I was starving. And not just a little hungry, but a lot. And yes, I’m guessing I didn’t make the best choice for breakfast. One of the girls I work with made way yummy bars for her birthday, so that was breakfast along with a decaf pumpkin spice latte. A few hours later though, starving again. It was almost like I felt shaky, like my blood sugar was really low, I really needed to eat. The cafes at work had awful choices today, so lunch was a loaded baked potato. A few hour later, that shaky feeling was back. And while I have heartburn almost everyday from my acid reflux, today it felt even worse. That strange feeling in your throat like something is there… I think I would have felt better if I’d actually been able to throw up, but nope, didn’t do that. I’m really hoping I feel better tomorrow.

Only a few more days until our ultrasound and clinic visit with our RE!!!