August 3, 2015 – 20 Weeks (9 Weeks Corrected)

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I can’t believe it’s been 20 weeks since Nora’s birth.  And yet somehow she is still only around 10 pounds!  I’m a little biased, but I think she gets cuter every week!  She wouldn’t sit still for this week’s photo, notice the slight blur 🙂

I continue to wonder what the heck I’m supposed to do with Nora all day everyday.  Eric left Saturday for Cedar Falls as he started his ‘it gets better’ job, as it’s often referred to… the first job out of residency that is.  We’re tentatively scheduled to move Friday, August 14th, which means I’m here alone with Nora and Kona until then.  AHHHH!  So far so good, but it’s only been a few days.

The days really are flying… everyone tells me they do with a baby since life seems to repeat every three hours when Nora needs to eat again.  Speaking of eating, I’m still pumping and feeding Nora my milk with bottles.  (Oh, did I mention I stopped fortifying my milk altogether?  Yeah, long story, but to make it short, since her doctors agreed we could cut back on her calories, and I was kind of fed up with her gas and upset stomach, I decided to try straight, plain breast milk for a few days.  And then I just never went back to adding in the fortifier.  She actually poops now!)  Anyway, I tried last Saturday to strictly nurse her all day to see how we’d manage, using a nipple shield of course.  Since I’ve been pumping less I was fairly confident that Nora could consume all the milk, or very close to all the milk, I’m making.  That said, after a few hours of nursing her she was crying and my breasts were uncomfortable.  I know she gets some milk, she seemed satisfied after the first feeding, but after the second and third feedings she was fussy, wouldn’t go to sleep, and I had hard, sore spots, which I assumed were ducts that Nora wasn’t able to empty.  Funny that I was so looking forward to pumping after that experience!  Still feeling frustrated though, I broke down and called the pediatric dentist I was referred to for her upper lip tie and posterior tongue tie…  Well, actually, her and I emailed back and forth a few times and then I finally called to make an appointment, which is tomorrow morning at 8am.  And it’s at least 90 minutes from where we live.  Okay, I know this doesn’t sound all that difficult, but I’m really wondering how I’m going to get there on-time.  I might be showering at 3am after feeding Nora!  There is a part of me that still would have preferred the ENT perform the correction, but a larger part of me didn’t want to wait another month and a half for that appointment.  And this pediatric dentist comes very highly recommended.  I am terrified though.  I think I have PTSD from our NICU experience.  I just keep picturing Nora in pain, all the procedures she endured, all the spinal taps, all the IVs, the literally hundreds of blood draws, intubations, the tortuous eye exams…  Ugh, even just thinking about those days in the NICU, all the times they would ask me to step out, and I’d go for a walk while I knew she was screaming…  So hard.  I’m told they will numb her mouth tomorrow, and that the procedure is really quick, but it still breaks me heart.  Please think of us tomorrow morning and pray for success and a quick recovery.  I’ll update and let you all know how it goes.

In other news, Nora and I had a fantastic lunch today with the ladies I used to work with at the hospital.  It seriously was so good to see them!  I miss them so much!  You know that feeling when you break up with someone and then you see them with someone new and it’s like you feel left out?  Yeah, totally had that feeling at lunch.  As much as I disliked my job, the actual work, I really, really enjoyed some of the people.  Not N of course, but several girls became close friends.  I so miss the chit-chat, catching up on each others lives, giving and getting advice, venting about the not so awesome people at work…  I keep telling myself I’m going to do a better job of staying in touch with those I truly care about, but then another week passes and I can’t figure out where the time went…  Is that just life?  I truly hope those wonderful ladies know how important they are to me, even if we aren’t able to see each other as much as I’d like.  And with me moving soon, I fear even more for our friendships.  Thankfully I won’t live too far and should be able to come back to meet for lunches from time to time!  I’ll look forward to those days!

Annoyed

Down to 78 days of work, but am I seriously going to make it???  I officially sent the email to my boss this morning around 9am with my end date…  And by noon coworker N already knew the date.  Like seriously?  He said our boss told him.  How did they possibly have time to discuss my plans so quickly??  Does anyone else find that very odd?  Makes me wonder how often they meet to discuss my exit…  I’m so over that place!

My Wit’s End

Sorry, this is a venting post.  Skip if you wish 🙂

I’m about at my wit’s end with work…  I’m honest to God sitting here, staring at my computer, wondering if all this is really worth it.  The time, the frustration, the money, the effort…  I’m not convinced it is.  Granted, my boss has removed most of my prior work obligations, and therefore my days are left rather empty, but what is left for work is completely ridiculous.  I did not obtain a masters degree to complete intern-level assignments.  And really, the taxpayers shouldn’t be paying me for such either.  I’m frankly bored out of my mind.  And yes, I could see this as an opportunity to earn money while remaining underutilized, a cushy job if you will, but I’m learning that not enough work, and work that is beneath me, is far more stressful than mind-challenging tasks which would excite and stimulate my brain.

None of this is new though.  Ever since my boss was made aware of my pregnancy I’ve slowly been down-graded on the totum pole here.  What is new though, is N’s more consistent overstepping of boundaries within his own role.  Our boss is on vacation this week, and twice today N has forwarded work to me, emails/issues originally sent to him which he is fully capably of handling.  See the thing is, N wants to be noticed, wearing suits and ties when even the higher-ups in my area don’t.  He is obsessed with sucking up to anyone in administration he deems important, anyone who can promote his career.  I am clearly not like this, I never had been, even when my career was of the utmost importance to me.  N basically is refusing to allot any time to work which doesn’t get him noticed.  And frankly, everyone’s role here includes some of such work, it’s just how life works.  You do the fun and exciting with the not so fun and not so exciting.  But oh no, not N I guess.  The emails he’s been forwarding to me as those which are unexciting, messy work which involve no higher-ups.  Simply unglamorous issues that need to be handled.

So I called him on it…  He gave me this lame-o line about how he didn’t know whose role this type of work was…  Um, hello, whoever receives the request!!  It’s called work for a reason, it’s not always fun!  I’ve never seen myself as above anyway, but N is really pushing my limits.  He is younger than myself, with far less experience.  I’m not okay with him treating me as his employee.  If he has work he can’t accommodate, he really should be discussing roles with our boss, and not taking it upon himself to redistribute the work.

Another example…  N scheduled a meeting with me earlier this week, again, our boss being on vacation.  I ‘accepted’ the calendar invite but later stressed to him I didn’t see the need to meet this week, being many questions and answers would be expected from management.  If you can believe it, his response was that he was going to be making the decisions.  He even went as far as to say his decisions would be more trustworthy than our boss’s.  I was speechless.  I have never before in my life met someone who so blatantly over-steps boundaries and authority, taking it upon themselves to better their own situation.

113 days until baby is due and my employment here ends.  How will I make it??

15w2d – Heartburn & Venting

Remember how I’m no longer seeing my therapist?  Well, lucky you guys, since I can’t vent to her, I’m gonna have to vent to all of you.  Feel free to skip this post if you’d rather not be brought down by my negative attitude today.  Most of the following is me getting my thoughts and fears out of my head.

First though, before the actual venting begins, I must say, holy heartburn!  I suffer from heartburn almost every single day, even before I was pregnant.  I have a bad case of acid reflux, GERD, or whatever they call it.  I had one of those fun scopes a few years ago and have since been taking 40mg of omeprazole/Prilosec daily ever since.  It does seem to help some, but I still often experience heartburn depending on what I eat.  Sometimes I swear even water causes me symptoms!  Normally I would describe heartburn as uncomfortable, but wow, I woke up around 4am this morning in terrible pain.  Real pain, way more than uncomfortable.  At first I thought the pain was more in my stomach, so I went to the bathroom and then tried to lay back down, but I noticed the pain was much worst when lying flat, a definite sign it was heartburn.  The pain was just so intense though, so I woke up Eric from his snoring…  He asked, ‘is the pain around your belly button?’ It wasn’t, so he said, ‘it’s indigestion, go back to sleep.’  Again, no help when I actually need his expertise!  So I chewed a huge handful of Tums and within 15 minutes the terrible pain subsided and I was finally able to get back to sleep.  Let’s hope this doesn’t happen every night!

So on to the venting.  How about bullets so you can clearly see where I stop complaining about one topic and move to the next!

  • I think work is actually harmful to my health.  Remember N, my awful male coworker?  Remember his wife is pregnant, due a month before me, so they are about 20 weeks now.  Well, I seriously can’t take him.  Every single word out of his mouth is about the pregnancy, how he is going to handle the actual birth, how his wife is a crying mess of emotions, how she demands foot rubs, all about their centering pregnancy classes (in detail), everything he needs to learn and know yet, how his daughter isn’t ever dating, his comments about the baby and pregnancy just never end.  And granted, I get he is excited, but frankly, the rest of the office just doesn’t feel the same way.  As why should we?  I get I’m excited for my baby, but I also get my coworkers don’t need or want to hear every detail.  I mean my God, I know all about her checkups, the stirrups and all, her breast pump, and so much more.  He’s just sharing way too much, too personal, and on top of it all, he’s so immature about it all.  I just can’t take it anymore.  Even seeing him causes me anxiety.  I need a way to distance myself from him, but that’s almost impossible since we work on the same team and thus are forced to interact multiple times a day.
  • So why am I am so annoyed with N.  Well, I have a few reasons, and I assume most of them are my personal issues.  Perhaps others in the office actually like to hear about his wife’s pregnancy 24/7, although I doubt it!  I think what annoys me, or rather is hurtful too me, is his overwhelming oblivious attitude toward getting pregnancy, pregnancy, and beyond.  And yes, I get this has a lot to do with my own experience.  I am and have been scared of every step so far.  I keep thinking back to our two quality embryos from 18 eggs, which is not a great number.  I understand the risks, what can do wrong, how hard it is sometimes to be infertile, to go through IVF.  He, on the other hand, is clueless.  They got pregnant right away, they skipped all the testing, assuming their baby is normal.  I guess it’s the assuming that is the hardest for me.  I don’t wish something to be wrong with their child, but a part of me wants him to get a wake up call, to acknowledge this process isn’t always easy or perfect…  They have no idea what going through a miscarriage is, especially after IVF, when the stakes are so high.  I just wish he could at least acknowledge the risks involved, but he is clueless.  And I assume it’s the clueless that continue to live in their sheltered world, with their perfect babies.  So yes, I’m bitter it’s easy and happy for them, and hasn’t been for me.  I want to feel normal, to get pregnant the normal way without a team full of doctors at every step, to live in happiness and not constantly worry about how old I’ll be when this one is born, and if we will have to get more eggs, and what condition my eggs will be in as I continue to age.  Will we get more eggs, should we save the frozen embryo we have as a last resort?  What if we can’t get more quality embryos, what if our frozen embryos doesn’t thaw correctly?  Can I afford to breastfeed for a year before we try to get more eggs again, or will that be too long, will I be too old?  So much to think about, worry about…
  • Work continues to suck.  I continue to feel isolated by my teammates, including my boss.  It’s like I’m already gone to them, but yet here I sit.  I mean really, no one should have time to blog at work.  But my boss knows I’m bored and refuses to teach me new things, so what else should I be doing it?  I’ve been as open and honest with her about my time as I can…
  • I’m nervous about money.  I know, I know.  I know what you’re going to say, I’ve heard it before, and frankly I’m sick of hearing, ‘you married a doctor.’  Truth be told though, he’s still a resident for six more months, and residents don’t make great money.  I make more than he does currently.  I’ve never really been worried about money in the past though, as we spend within our means.  If we can’t afford it, we don’t buy it, we don’t go on the trip, etc.  I consider us smart about our money.  Yes, I do buy a ton of stuff I don’t need, but we are a two income household without children, there is always extra money, so if the bills are paid and I happen to want something, I usually buy it.  I know that might sound bad, but just being honest.  Eric just got back from Vegas though, and no, he didn’t break us, but he spent a lot, well, gambled away a lot, which is hard for me.  When I spend money I expect to get something in return.  When Eric spends money he expects to get entertainment in return.  He likes going out to eat, he likes traveling and gambling, to him it’s worth the money.  So yes, he spend a lot in Vegas, at a time when we need extra money, as it’s December, lots of Christmas presents to buy, and a house to build.  My next topic…
  • Eric and I are going Saturday to meet with our builder and finalize plans.  I’m not sure exactly what we are finalizing, as frankly I feel nowhere near close to finalizing anything.  We have picked a lot and an offer has been made, but the floor plans need to be finished and appraised before we can close on the lot.  I’ve posted several times about our floor plans, so if you’ve been following along, you’ve seen pretty much everything I’ve seen.  The plans themselves are rough, I mean, I know where the rooms will be and such, but I don’t have exact dimensions, doors and windows aren’t drawn in, etc.  The plans just don’t feel ‘done’ to me, as there are so many details yet.  But, perhaps they don’t truly need to be ‘done’ to close on the lot, what do I know.  Closing on the lot though means we hand over a chunk of money, money we could really use on bills, baby stuff, Christmas gifts, etc.  Truth be told we don’t have the full 10% the bank wants.  We have $50K in savings, so only 5%, but somehow the bank will make that work until Eric starts working next year and we can hand over the remaining 5%.  Handing over all of our savings though makes me nervous.  No, I don’t dip into the savings ever, but what if something happens and we would need to?  A lot can happen when a baby is due in six months!  And did I mention that I’ll quit work at the beginning of June when the baby is born and Eric is finished at the end of June?  That means we have one income in June, and no income in July as Eric doesn’t start working until August 1st.  And what if they pay him monthly and we don’t have income until September 1st??  I’m starting to freak out.  Granted, once he starts getting paid we will be fine, but it’s getting to that point.

Maybe this is all the hormones talking, and the stress catching up with me….

6w3d

You know those people who are so incredibly negative?  Well, try working next to one for 40+ hours a week.  Let’s call her Debbie, short for Debbie Downer.  And no, I really could care less if she ends up reading this.  I swear, either she goes or I go, but I can’t continue working in such close proximity to her.  Just not healthy for me.  I don’t even know how to explain how bothersome and disruptive to my days she has become.  Okay, let me try…

  • She talks to her computer, often loudly.  No, it’s more like she yells at her computer if it happens to think for a second longer than she feels appropriate.  When I first started I used to think she was talking to me.  Now I know to ignore her outbursts.  But seriously, what adult does that?  Don’t they make meds for anxiety?  Because she clearly is not handling hers well.
  • When she is particularly annoyed with her computer, or the air, or God knows what, she announces that she must look for a new job.  I’ve only worked with her a year so far and apparently something is wrong as she’s been looking for a job the entire time, but darn it, she is still here.
  • She expects important people to know her, and loudly announces her displeasure when they don’t.  Um, this hospital is huge.  We are nobodies in finance.  If the CFO did know my name, I’d be alarmed.  Get over it lady.  Just do your job and shut up.
  • She doesn’t eat.  I’m not sure why this bothers me, as honestly, it doesn’t have much to do with me, other than I realize it’s normal for humans to consume food.  Hello!  No wonder she has to wear her winter coat all summer with her space heater running full blast.  Humans have fat for a reason.
  • She’s extremely passive-aggressive.  Yes, this is never a good quality in a person, now is it?  Example…  One day I walked to get lunch from one of our cafes with several other co-workers.  We did not invite her to walk with us.  I don’t like her and frankly wanted away from her, if only for a few minutes, so obviously I wasn’t going to invite her.  I can’t speak for the others.  Anyway, we got back to our desks with lunch and she sends me an IM that her coworkers hurt her feelings.  Who says that to one of the people who did it???  I mean really.  We are adults here.  I’m not obligated to ask her each day if she wants to walk to get lunch.  Although, if I did, she would always say no anyway since she doesn’t freaking eat!
  • She is constantly on the phone with her husband or kids.  Now again, I could care less how people spend their time at work.  She is not on my team and thus her time doesn’t matter to me.  What bothers me though is that she is constantly complaining that she doesn’t have enough time to complete her work.  This I hear non-stop.  Well lady, if you’d let your husband and kids have a few free minutes from your bitching, maybe your work would be complete!
  • She clearly feels she is entitled to a hefty raise.  She told us all that today.  And not quietly either, I might add.  I assume her boss heard.  I assume everyone’s boss heard.
  • She’s nosy.  On a regular basis she sneaks up behind me, scaring the shit outta me, and asks what I’m working on.  Um, work, isn’t that what people do at work??  And the other day I picked up a refill of PIO from the pharmacy, arriving back at my desk with a white bag that clearly stated pharmacy.  She had the nerve to ask what goodies I purchased.  Um, honey, these are far from goodies, but so nice of you to openly point out to our area my pharmacy run.

Okay, I could really go on and on, but I feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about her.  I do realize that I am not always an extremely positive person, but to the outside world, especially at work, I keep my composure.  I just wish she would keep her outbursts and opinions to herself, as she is seriously dragging me down.  I searched for jobs online last night, simply because I couldn’t imagine going back to work this morning and being forced to deal with her.

In other news, I have a few concerns.  First, my hip feels strangely numb.  A few weeks ago one of my progesterone shots Eric gave me bruised quite badly.  Really the only shot that has ever left a mark, which also stung for hours, which is odd as well.  Anyway, a few days later my hip on that side felt odd.  And it’s not necessarily where the shot was given, it’s lower on the side.  It feels numb is the best way I can describe it.  I asked Eric about it and he said we must have hit a nerve and that the feeling will come back in time.  Has anyone else experienced this?

Other concern…  I didn’t feel the best today.  I wouldn’t say I was nauseous though, I just felt off.  I woke up this morning and felt hot and sweaty, you know how you feel when you have a fever?  But I highly doubt I actually had one.  I felt a bit better after I showered and thus headed to work.  Shortly after arriving I realized I was starving.  And not just a little hungry, but a lot.  And yes, I’m guessing I didn’t make the best choice for breakfast.  One of the girls I work with made way yummy bars for her birthday, so that was breakfast along with a decaf pumpkin spice latte.  A few hours later though, starving again.  It was almost like I felt shaky, like my blood sugar was really low, I really needed to eat.  The cafes at work had awful choices today, so lunch was a loaded baked potato.  A few hour later, that shaky feeling was back.  And while I have heartburn almost everyday from my acid reflux, today it felt even worse.  That strange feeling in your throat like something is there…  I think I would have felt better if I’d actually been able to throw up, but nope, didn’t do that.  I’m really hoping I feel better tomorrow.

Only a few more days until our ultrasound and clinic visit with our RE!!!

Coworkers

Thursday was the first day in a very long time I left work never wanting to return. Made me wonder if all the effort I put into my career and working relationships is really worth the end result. As what is the end result again??

So where to even begin. Remember the coworker who told me how trying to get pregnant was going to be so much fun and how he couldn’t wait to start trying and how it didn’t matter if it takes forever since it’s so fun? Yeah, let’s call him N, and he was at it again Thursday. Did I mention he asks me DAILY if I’m pregnant? Yes, daily. He obviously doesn’t understand the challenges of infertility or the haunting stress of IVF. Although really, why would you ask anyone daily if they’re pregnant? I assume he’s doing it to be funny, not purposely hurtful, but regardless, it hurts. It’s my daily reminder I’m not pregnant.

Thursday though was a different topic… accounting, and more specifically accruals. So not to turn this into an accounting course, let’s just assume you understand accounting and accruals, as they’re really not the point of the incident Thursday anyway. But you probably do need a little background on N. I’m not sure how long ago he passed the CPA exam, but he’s the only one I know who has his certificate framed at work, and points it out to coworkers on a regular basis, and refers to himself as a CPA in general conversation, often. Yeah, one of those. So Thursday he came to me and asked for a variance explanation on a specific line item, as revenue was under budget in February for the related department. Side note, I’m not sure why he reports on items for which I make entries each month, but just go with it… I answered with the truth, the accrual entry wasn’t made because the department was unresponsive. I wanted to add that I’m not about to chase after the departments to get their accruals, but I left that part out, for now, as I had contacted them. I really do hate chasing after adults in the business world to do their jobs, but that topic really deserves its own post.

There is really no way to accurately explain the fit N threw at that point. He was rude, immature, unprofessional, and so much more. Now granted, I don’t care for him to begin with, for many more reasons than I listed above, but regardless, his fit was really uncalled for. He basically went off on me for violating accounting policies of revenue and expense matching, hence the point of accrual entries. Now let me assure you, I understand accruals. I also understand materiality. This missing accrual accounted for roughly $50k of revenue, peanuts when you’re talking about a large hospital. So yes, I realize accounting policies, specifically GAAP, are in place for a reason, but to seriously throw a fit about this? We had a valid variance explanation, and last time I checked, we aren’t audited mid-year. And even if we were, we aren’t purposely scamming the system to understate revenue. And did I mention it wasn’t material and could be explained?

So I remained calm while he threw his fit. His first fit.

When my work for the day was complete on Thursday I stopped by N’s to say good-bye, my normal routine, as I say good-bye personally to several people. If you can even believe it, he threw his fit all over again. I seriously couldn’t believe it. So I asked if he just wanted to take over the responsibility for that entry each month, and of course he didn’t, so I said, “then don’t bitch about it.” That actually didn’t shut him up, he kept going on about what the auditors would say and blah blah blah. Finally I just said, “well, maybe I don’t belong working in this department then, N” and I walked out.

It actually felt quite good to tell N off. And he avoided me all day Friday, which was a welcomed change. He didn’t even come over and help himself to whatever I was enjoying, without even asking like he normally would! Yeah, who just helps themselves to other’s meals??

Big picture, this incident got me thinking… Maybe I’m not cut out to work in such a corporate, institutional, organized agency. I see myself as an extremely dedicated employee, but yet I find it very difficult to stay focused and motivated when efforts aren’t rewarded. Okay, fine, I guess you could say my efforts are rewarded, as they give me a paycheck, but what if money isn’t your motivation? Or what if a regular paycheck isn’t enough to motivate you? What makes putting up with (some) awful coworkers worthwhile?

I’d like to say my current role is fulfilling, and yes, certainly parts of it are. But I’m nearing a year in my current department, and it’s always about that time I find myself competent, efficient, and therefore rather bored at times. There are still days I use my brain, but for the most part, I’ve got a great handle on my duties. Granted, certain questions still stump me, but I actually look forward to those!

So where do I go from here? My boss is more than aware of Eric’s residency completion date. And besides, I love my boss. And I love so many in my department. Well, not N, of course, but many others. And won’t there always be some coworkers you just don’t seem to click with? Looking back, I probably should have told N off months ago, as Friday was truly blissful! I accomplished so much with no rude distractions! No one drank outta my coffee or helped themselves to tea bags either!

And so I’m left wondering if I need to pursue this coffee shop idea with more energy. I seem to thrive when I can directly connect my effort with feedback and rewards, and of all the years I’ve worked in a corporate environment, I’ve never felt as if that was the case. I don’t always feel like starting work at 7:30am, and while my current role is extremely flexible, it certainly doesn’t allow me to randomly sleep in and stay later working into the evening. Maybe someday I’ll work in such an environment…