October 12, 2015 – 30 Weeks (19 Weeks Corrected)

So much to say, so little time! First though, 30 week picture, and of course, more smiles!

30 weeks

Nora isn’t sitting alone yet but she’s doing a lot better with a little help.  And she has started pulling her knees up during tummy time.  I feel like she might be crawling before she is sitting.  Next Thursday is her next high-risk appointment at the University.  I’m anxious to see if they think she’s on track developmentally.  Next Thursday we also meet with her immunology team and I have several questions for them.  I want to know more about Synagis, an injection for high risk children which aims to prevent RSV.  For some reason though, I think it’s live and therefore isn’t something she can have just yet due to her compromised immune system.  I’m so anxious for her doctors to clear her for live vaccines, as she still isn’t allowed the MMR vaccine either.  And damn those people who choose not to vaccinate their children.  Do they have any idea what I would give to make sure Nora never contracts such an illness??  Her immune team will also give Nora her second dose of the flu shot on Thursday, so at least she’ll have some protection this winter.

I was looking back at Nora’s pictures, some of the first ones taken shortly after her birth in March.  I’m still in aw of how far she has come.  I weighted Nora a few days ago and she was up to 12 lbs. 9 oz.  Crazy that she has gained 10 lbs. since she was born!  I feel so truly blessed to have such a happy, healthy daughter.

I feel like life is finally settling down, Cedar Falls is starting to feel like our home.  I have five different girls that I trust to watch Nora and they come here and there throughout the week so I can get out and feel like I have a life.  We’re trying to start limiting Nora’s time in public with it getting colder and flu season approaching.  We are taking her to a family wedding this weekend… I so hope we don’t regret it.  I’m still attending MOPs on Thursday morning and very much enjoying getting to know the other moms.  I can definitely picture a few of them becoming quite good friends.

Eric has asked me twice now when we are having another little Nora.  Shocking isn’t it, since he was the one who originally thought we had years and years before we needing to start thinking about kids!  He is so stinking cute with Nora though, it’s no wonder he wants another already!  We have one frozen embryo, but honestly, I’m fearful of transferring that one, scared that it won’t implant and thus we’ll be back to square one.  A huge part of me would rather do another egg retrieval first, as the quality of the eggs are influenced by the age of the woman at the time they are retrieved.  So basically the sooner the better, even if they aren’t transferred for several years yet.  The thought of starting all over is very overwhelming though.  And adding to that the worry the thought of having another premature baby.  My OB/GYN is 90% sure I’d deliver early again based on my history and the reason for Nora’s early birth.  I don’t know what precautions they would take this time, if any.  Maybe bed rest, although it’s not proven to work…  How would I survive bed rest with Nora?  How do families handle it with a baby in the NICU and others at home?  I can’t even imagine.  And maybe I’m getting completely ahead of myself.  I just know I want more children.  But how…  We have considered seeking out a gestational carrier, but that process seems more overwhelming than another round of IVF.  And probably even more expensive.

Alright, off to pick up some items for this weekend out-of-town.  Side note, I keep complaining to Eric that my car is too small being Nora’s stroller fills the trunk.  Maybe this weekend he will finally realize we do need a larger vehicle!

 

A year ago today

A year ago today my beautiful, precious, amazing Nora was conceived, as she was one of 12 eggs retrieved.  My post from a year ago, A Dozen, and some thoughts and feelings from a year ago tomorrow, Feeling Better.

It’s a bit surreal to me to read these two posts, to remember back to a year ago.  My life is so different now.  I’m so different.  I can hardly even remember back to the days before Nora, before I was pregnant, before I stopped working to spend my days in the NICU with Nora…  I used to think a year was an eternity, but now I know better.  Nora is almost 6 months old already, and while I wished away our NICU days, I’m trying to remind myself to cherish each day now, to relax, not rush so much, to enjoy the journey.

Looking back, the hardest part of IVF was the not knowing.  If I’d just had more faith in the process, if I’d just believed it could work for us, oh how much happier I could have been a year ago.  But as they say, hindsight is 20/20, live and learn…

Excited & Terrified

Tomorrow morning at 8am I will be walking into the infertility lab/procedure suite at my clinic, both excited and terrified.  Not terrified for the procedure itself, as I’ve been through this before, but terrified of an unfavorable outcome.  I feel like the next five years of my life are dependent on tomorrow.

My trigger shot last night went perfectly.  I’ve given myself lots of IM injections, but I asked Eric to prepare it, not wanting to mess up our one vial of HCG, as there is mixing involved, so I figured he might as well inject it as well.  It’s been a few months since I’ve had one of these shots though, so the nervousness was still there, but I’m happy to report I barely felt it.  A nurse marked the correct spots on my hips earlier this week, but I’m fairly certainly there is actually only about an inch circle of space where no pain is actually felt, and thankfully, I know where that spot is now!

Today I slept in and enjoyed my only shot-less day for what hopefully turns out to be the next several months.  I picked up a few groceries, making sure to get lots of Sobe Life Water.  I considered repainting my toenails all cute, but then remembered we’re required to wear socks for all procedures… so no point there!

I still need to pick out some comfy, loose-fitting clothing for tomorrow, and set my alarm, but otherwise, I think I’m ready.  Oh, and email my boss back.  She already asked me how far I got on some items and where my files were saved.  Ugh, not what I want to think about tonight.

Speaking of work…  I’ve still been thinking a lot about going part-time.  And I realize there is no real reason why I can’t continue working full-time, other than I highly dislike my current position, but gosh, I’d still love to work fewer hours.  Maybe another talk with Eric is in order…  Which is related to our house buying dilemma, more on that another time…

photo (2)

Look what else I purchased today??  Yes, I have issues peeing on sticks.  Well, actually, I have no issue peeing on sticks, my issue is stopping myself from peeing on sticks.  Last night Eric said he thought maybe this time we should keep the outcome to ourselves until we know if the pregnancy is viable, but honestly, how does one go about that, when one, such as myself, has been so open about this process thus far?  I just don’t see how I could hide the results, good or bad.  And do I even want to?  It’s not like we told the entire world last time.  We didn’t make any public announcements.  I mean, close family and friends knew, but those were the same people who knew we embarked on this journey…  And even if we don’t outright tell people this time, wouldn’t they figure it out from my mood, attitude, heck, if I’m drinking decaf or regular lattes?  And look at all the support I received last time, after our miscarriage?  I don’t want to go through a failed cycle grieving alone…  I don’t know, on one hand it’s sweet Eric wanted to keep it between him and I, more how a ‘normal’ couple would if they were getting pregnant the ‘normal’ way, but NOTHING about this process is normal.  Never in my widest dreams did I think an entire team of professionals would be present every step of conceiving a child!

If you have any prayers left for me, I’d so appreciate some tomorrow.  I’ll update after my procedure, once I know how many eggs were retrieved and how I’m feeling.  Thank you again to all of you, for your support and encouraging words.  You have no idea how comforting it is each time my cell phone dings with another comment 🙂

Retrieval

Leaving hospital now. I’m very sad. They drained all my follicles but only found 6 eggs. Even my doctor seemed disappointed. I’m feeling like I did something wrong… Is this any indication why we weren’t getting pregnant on our own? Will any be mature? Will any fertilize? Will we have any to freeze? Scared we will have to do this part of the process again 🙁

Very little pain right now, thanks to the morphine! Going home now to crawl into bed and rest. I’ll write more later if I feel up to it.

Thank you again for all your thoughts and prayers!