5w1d

I’ve made it to 5w1d pregnant! I’d been saving one last pregnancy test, waiting until I thought it might display 3+ weeks, and lo and behold, it did this morning! I assume I’m on track as I believe those calculate from weeks since ovulation, but regardless, seeing 3+ made me smile this morning 🙂

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Wishful Thinking

I realize it’s too early to get a positive on a HPT at 8dpo or 3dp5dt, but since I have an obsession with peeing on sticks, I figured hey, why not start today.  It is too early, right?  And yes, of course it was negative.  But you better believe I let it sit on the bathroom counter for a full hour while I was getting pretty this morning, just in case it took a bit to appear.  But no, no such luck.

In my usual fashion, I’m obsessing about other things too, things normal people don’t obsess over.  For example, my PIO shots.  Remember last night it took two sticks since there was blood in the syringe?  Well, last night was the first night that I’ve had pain after the injection.  Like hours after, as in, it’s still rather tender.  And it feels like I have a lump in my ass.  I’ve heard this from others, but never experienced it myself, even thought I’ve had, gosh, maybe 50 of these injections now over the course of the past few months.  Then, last night I didn’t wake up to pee a million times, I actually slept through the night, which hasn’t happened since I started these shots again a week ago.  So then my mind went to, maybe the progesterone stayed in the lump in my ass and isn’t working?  Which means our tiny miracle is dying.

I’m crazy, right?  Even if I have a lump in my ass, the progesterone is surely working, right?

Worked totally sucked today.  I mean really sucked.  (Do I sound like a broken record?)  Sucked to the point where I wanted to get up, walk into my boss’s office and be like, ‘listen here, I’m leaving, bye’.  But then I remembered I like to shop, and eat, and buy Kona cute toys.  So yes, I’m still employed.  But really.  I sat at my desk all day updating PowerPoint slides for presentations I’m not sure will ever take place.  Yes, 8 hours of updating slides.  Okay, to be fair, the charts came from Excel, but that’s just as boring!  There has to be more to life than hating 8 hours of everyday, right?  I keep telling myself, only 286 more days, but honestly, that doesn’t make me feel any better.  It makes me feel as though I’m treading water, wasting away the next 9 months of my life.  Granted, if baby is due June 1st, that leaves only 257 days.  But still too many!  How do I give up the idea of needing a stable, well-paying job to feel responsible?  I’m able to work, I should be working, right?  But it’s not like anyone else is going to hire me if they know I’m leaving this area in 9 months…  But oh, the thought of going back tomorrow, of opening those same PowerPoint files…  I’d much rather have another egg retrieval tomorrow!  That’s bad, right??

I could really use some comfort from Eric right now, but of course, he’s still at work.  I texted him around 5pm and he still hadn’t even started the last surgical case of the day, so I don’t expect him home anytime soon.  Oh, the glamorous life of a doctor’s wife, right?  Sitting home alone…  And to think I actually cooked tonight!  Check out this recipe for Honey Barbecue Meatloaf.  It was tasty and easy!

Stay tuned for more pee stick updates!

No Judging… I Know I’m Crazy

Okay ladies, and any gentlemen also reading…  No judging, I know I’m crazy…

My beta to confirm I really and truly am no longer pregnant is Monday morning at 7:30am.  Convenient since I work at the hospital, so I’ll just pop up to the lab before I head to my office.  Since I know we are looking for a 0 level of HCG, I decided I needed to test on my own first.  Yes, this is where the crazy part comes in.  Three weeks ago I was testing to get a positive, now I’m desperately testing to get a negative.  Life, I tell ya!

I purchased the ClearBlue with weeks estimator, as I figured that would at least estimate a higher or lower level of HCG still coursing through my body.  I searched the internet, wondering what level of sensitivity each of the responses from these tests provide, but couldn’t find much…  Does anyone know?

Okay, so I took the test earlier this afternoon, and dammit, 1-2 weeks pregnant.

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Yeah, clearly my level isn’t 0, and who knows if it will be Monday morning.  I fear I’ll be having an ultrasound, and what is that gonna show??  I’ll test again Monday morning, but I highly doubt it’s going to display Not Pregnant…

Realizing I’ve spent a small fortune on HPTs, I went online in search of a less expensive option.  But I came across an interesting ovulation monitor instead.  I already own the ClearBlue Fertility Monitor and it seems to work as it should, displaying peak shortly before my temperature would rise.  Well, back when I was tracking everything closely.  I got bored with that after the first year of no luck, although recently started taking my temperature again each morning.  Anyway, the interesting monitor I came across is the OvaCue Fertility Monitor.  It’s a bit more pricy than the ClearBlue variety, but appears to offer a few extra features.  It comes with a sensor for saliva and cervical fluid, so measures different sources to predict ovulation.  Has anyone used one of these, and if so, thoughts?  It’s not cheap, but I’m not so concerned with the cost, as my FSA will reimburse me in full.  Do we see any point in me purchasing this?  Eric is all about trying on our own the next couple months before we can start the next IVF cycle…  Frankly, I don’t see us getting pregnant on our own, but who knows I guess, since technically they still haven’t found anything wrong with either of us.  Wishful thinking?  I feel like at this point I’m willing to try anything, even another crazy monitor…  Do I have anything to lose?

Off the subject, but…  My vehicle, a Nissan Rogue, will be off-lease in about two months, so in-between rental showings today (don’t even get me started on those) I decided to stop by the Nissan dealership and see what they had to offer.  Honestly, I wasn’t all that fond of my Rogue, but I’m over on miles and figure they’ll be more forgiving on penalties if I stick with the same brand for my next vehicle.  So, I drove around the lot, three times, getting out of my vehicle four times before someone finally approached me.  How is that even possible???  I was eyeing the Armada when the sales guy approached and I asked if they only had one of those on the lot.  They did…  Interesting I thought.  So I inquired anyway, as I’d already told Eric I want something larger than the Rogue, but certainly not going to a mini-van.  The guy asked what color I wanted, and I was like, um, that is the least of my concerns!  I explained mine is off-lease soon and then he asked if I’m trading in.  Um, did he not know how a lease worked???  I was like, no, I’m giving back my lease and re-leasing.  I asked how much to lease the Armada and he asked how much equity I had in the Rogue.  Um, hello, none, it was a lease.  I’m fairly savvy when it comes to finance, and I’ve never heard of having equity in a lease…  How does that work???  Anyway, I must have looked seriously poor in my University of Iowa Hawkeye t-shirt, jeans, and flip-flops, as he clearly gave me this, you can’t afford this vehicle look…  I told him to forget it and I left.  He really pissed me off though, as technically I could have paid cash for the darn thing.  Ugh… how rude of him to judge me!

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The good news… The HCG trigger shot must be out of my system, as yesterday and this morning I got negatives on HPT. I realize it’s probably too early to get a positive, but it was still a little difficult seeing the negatives. Being I’ve never seen a positive, I guess, well, I expect to never see one. History has a way of repeating itself, right?

And on top of that, I feel full on PMS symptoms, as I’ve bitched to Eric several times today already, and the night is still young. Of course, I feel my bitching was completely valid… I ran errands this afternoon and he promised to get patient notes finished while I was gone. But of course, that didn’t happen. So here it is, a night we actually have off together and he’s in the office working. What wife wouldn’t be annoyed?

Moody is really the only symptom I’m currently experiencing. I had quite a bit of cramping up until perhaps four days after the transfer, but this weekend I haven’t felt much. As usual, I fear that’s a bad sign. I pretty much fear everything at this point.

I’ve decided I’m going to be one of those freaks who pees on a stick. Daily. Just daily though. I swear I won’t use more than one test a day. But only because I’m not made of money and they aren’t exactly cheap. So my plan is to take a test at home each morning this week. I realize this will probably stress me out, but no more so than not testing and just aimlessly wondering. At least this way I can prepare myself for bad news in the comfort of my own home, rather than calling that stupid patient information line from work and having to deal with my emotions in public.

Maybe I’m in a bad mood today because it’s Mother’s Day, and I’m in limbo. Isn’t it better to know, even if the news is bad, than to be stuck in limbo? Is this officially my first Mother’s Day, or don’t you get to count it until your child exists to the world in physical, breathing form? I couldn’t even stand looking at Facebook, all the freaking happy families with 3+ kids. I feel so far behind. And running errands at the mall was a bad idea. It was a mix between prefect families with their little girls in matching dresses, or the family of seven that appeared to have just crawled out of bed, complete with holes in their dirty clothing. Yes, I’m judgey today. Sue me.

Only a few more hours until I can drift off into dreamland, my favorite part of the day lately… First though, I need to find some healthy recipes for dinners this week.

Happy Mother’s Day one and all!

4DP3DT

I broke down and purchased some home pregnancy tests after work today. And by some I mean 6. I fear this won’t be enough…

In non-crazy news, Eric and I had a fun evening! He was home before 7pm and after dinner we took Kona for a walk to Dairy Queen, complete with a vanilla kid cone for her!

I’ve decided to embrace Mother’s Day this year, even if I can’t yet celebrate for myself. Instead, I’m very much looking forward to spending some time with my amazing mother this weekend!

Moving Ahead

I’m upset. I ate a little of everything I could find in the house.

I emailed my RE doc this morning, explaining that we, yes we, remember their letter to me, expected my period last weekend. Almost a week ago now, and still nothing. I specifically asked if I should continue waiting, and if so, how long I should wait until we take some sort of action. In my email I mentioned the negative HPT yesterday morning.

I thought I was doing well, I didn’t take a test this morning. But instead I broke down and emailed the doc. Was that better or worse?

Just as I was leaving work I received an email back from a nurse. My doc had called an Rx in for Provera with directions to take one, 10mg pill, daily until I get my period, and then to start my BCPs. The pharmacy mentioned was not one I normally use, so I emailed back quick asking it to be sent to UIHC instead. A few moments passed and my phone rang; it was the nurse explaining that the UIHC pharmacy was closing soon and thus they picked another pharmacy in town that had more convenient hours.

I took advantage of having an IVF clinic nurse on the phone… I asked her if it’s possible I could be pregnant and while she didn’t say no, she answered with something similar to, it’s okay to have hope, and if you want to wait until Monday to start the pills, that’s okay too.

Do they really have that little faith in my body? That apparently there is no possibility of us getting pregnant on our own? I felt slapped in the face.

I had been on my way home from work when the nurse called, so I detoured to the pharmacy to get the latest addition to my drug buffet. (It’s really something!) The prescription wasn’t quite ready when I arrived so I browsed the store and decided maybe I need to focus on something other than having babies. This constant want of a child is just too much sometimes. I picked up three magazines devoted to architecture. Two detailed dream-home floor plans, and the third was a consumer reports supplement on home appliances. I’m fairly certain the magazines were close to $40 bucks, as my 10 pills were only $0.62. Thank goodness for insurance, the one bright spot in my day.

While at the pharmacy, I also picked up a pack of two First Response HPTs, which I happened to remember are twice as sensitive as the ClearBlue Digital I have been using. Call me completely nuts, but there was a part of me that wanted one more test, just to make sure, as the pharmacist specifically mentioned Provera is not to be used during pregnancy. But of course, same result.

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So tonight I will take a pill to force a period and browse gorgeous homes as possibilities to build in Cedar Falls. Yes, I will have those seven bedrooms and eight bathrooms, but perhaps no children to fill them. Damn the luck.

Tomorrow afternoon I’m hosting a baby shower for a dear, sweet friend. And I love her. And I am excited for her. But is it okay to admit I am now anxious about holding myself together tomorrow? I’m jealous, I’ll admit it. And I don’t know how to get over those feelings. And to make matters worse, I’m fairly certain one of the guests is bringing her new baby.

I just don’t get why it can’t be me.

Any day now…

I really need to start buying less expensive home pregnancy tests… I’m gonna go broke aimlessly testing every morning, as I’m apparently a freak with no patience. I’ve been using the Clearblue Digital variety, which I think runs upwards of $10 each, although I purchase in bulk, five at a time. No judging! And yes, used another this morning, and still, the same damn result. Yes, I have no patience, that was previously determined. And if you’re still not sure if I’m crazy, allow me to convince you…

This morning when I got the NOT PREGNANT result I googled home pregnancy tests sensitivity. There is a much greater range of sensitivity than I thought, with Clearblue Digital (my choice) being damn near the least sensitive on the market of those reported, at 50 mIU/hCG. What a rip, since it’s one of the most expensive…

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I suppose there are advantages to a lower sensitivity. Blood tests display the level of hCG in your blood, which can determine a pregnancy very soon after implantation, but that hCG level can drop soon after implantation if the embryo doesn’t continue to thrive. Obviously it would be quite disheartening to learn, at home, you are pregnant, to only realize later you are not. With the lower sensitivity of these urine tests, you’d be unaware of the early pregnancy in these circumstances. Maybe for the best, I don’t know…

My RE doc loves to send letters. I am quite confused by this practice of communication through snail mail, but I’ll go with it for now. Problem I have with these letters though, is that I rarely understand what the crap they are telling me. The latest one they sent is fairly clear though… To be included in the next uptime, which is March 31st thru May 11th, I must get my period between February 6th and April 3rd. Okay, now I’m nervous. What if my body is just seriously confused from stopping mid-cycle last time?? I am not waiting until June or July to do this when I originally started this IVF nonsense in January! My clinic’s up and down times are really lengthening this process…

That latest letter from my RE doc stated my period would begin March 9th. Nothing like getting a letter in the mail alerting you of that! Although I guess we left normal and moved to awkward a year ago, so I really should be used to this by now. Regardless, that day came and went. Am I supposed to call them? Or just wait this out?? Why do I always feel like I’m bothering them with my questions?? They have an injection for everything else, can’t they give me something to get on with this process??