Not a great week…

Where to start on this week… It has not been great to say the least. Do you ever just feel like everything in your life is falling apart? If you’re not in a great mood yourself and don’t wish to be brought down, I encourage you not to read the rest of this post. I said way back what this blog was for, to get out my feelings and emotions. And that’s what I’m doing. If you think I’m too negative, well, you’re right, because this is my outlet for my negative feelings. I’d love support, but don’t need anyone to remind me of what I already know, that I’m really struggling with a lot right now.

I guess I can start with something a little positive. One of my calm places, where I tend to go when I feel stressed, is Barnes and Noble. If we had other book stores around here I’d go there, but this is pretty much the only one close. I’m not sure why I go, maybe the quiet atmosphere, wandering around with a coffee… I like reading, of falling into a good story, or learning something new, seeing a perspective different from my own. I’m actually quite sad that book stores don’t seem to be doing so well lately, I’d hate to think one of my favorite hangouts might no longer exist! Anyway, I found myself there Monday morning when I was particularly down, sad, distraught, you get the idea. I browsed the self-help section, I mean, seriously, all these books, isn’t there just one I can read and be fixed, feel happy, understand life and it’s struggles?? I came across “What I Know For Sure” by Oprah Winfrey. Now… I’m not a huge Oprah fan, I don’t really love or hate her. I don’t really even watch her talk show, but I have to assume she’s a smart lady who has been through a lot and learned some lessons over the years. I’m only on page 55, but so far I recommend. It’s an easy read, short, cute stories from her life. Nothing completely groundbreaking yet, but certainly a few tidbits I’ll try to remember when I’m feeling especially stressed, like how we should always dance, enjoy the little moments in life, persevere through our fear, etc.

This morning the MOMS Club I’m president of was supposed to hold their monthly, required, business meeting. Only me and one other board member (there are five of us on the board) RSVP to attend. So not even the entire board, much less not a single other member planned to come. So I cancelled it. But it will need to be rescheduled since it is required to hold our non-profit status and affiliation with MOMS Club International. I’m just so annoyed with the members, and the board. The board is supposed to support me, but even they are too lazy to come to the business meetings. I get they want the fun part, the playdates and such, but ugh. If we don’t also have the business side, which coordinates everything, then how can we have all the fun stuff?? If I just stop holding these meetings, the group will cease to exist. Is that what they want?? As if I don’t have enough in my life without feeling like I have to keep this moms club going. I don’t go to most of the playdates involving children. I usually stick to the moms stuff, like book club, moms night out, coffee talk, etc. I really like the moms I’ve met through the club, but most I’m close with are my age, but have children much older than mine, in school, and thus also have some free-time during the day.

So nothing on my calendar today except maybe dinner out with my MOPs ladies if Eric is home from work in time. I won’t know until the last-minute. I dropped the girls off at school and now I’m home, doing laundry. I’m not sure why I don’t like being home alone, or even home alone with the girls when Eric isn’t here. It’s like I don’t know how to spend the time, how to get through the hours. Or maybe I just feel too guilty relaxing… I know laundry is easy, and necessarily, but having that as my only task today feels quite depressing. I know I do much better, feel much happier I mean, when my calendar is more full, when I’m busy and feel like I’m contributing and accomplishing things. The weather was nasty again yesterday and so I picked up the girls early from school. And I was fearing that today would be nasty too and I’d be stuck at home all day with them. That shouldn’t feel like a bad thing, to be at home with your two and three-year old all day. But then why did it feel scary to me, lonely and depressing? Eric had to stay in Waterloo last night because of the weather, so maybe it was the idea of being with just the girls for days on end without help that felt so overwhelming. But still. How can I love them so much, but dislike being stuck at home with them? Does that say something about me as a mother?

Okay, moving on… I think I’ve been having panic attacks. If they are indeed panic attacks, they started this past weekend. Long story there that I’m not ready to go into. I guess to help explain though, I said and did some things that have broken trust between Eric and myself in our marriage. I feel awful, and am dedicated to making things better, to making him and I closer. For now though, I think the stress and anxiety, which I struggle with anyway, now feels heightened, and thus the panic attacks. The feelings I’m having include a racing heart, sweating, feeling in general like I’m burning up inside, sick to my stomach, sometimes my hands feel shaky… Once I was a bit light-headed and felt like I had to sit down. I’ll mention them to the doctor I see for depression, but my next check-up with her isn’t for almost a month yet. I’m hoping these don’t continue…

Eric and I have talked more and more about moving back to Cedar Falls, especially in light of this past weekends events. I know the distance, him commuting, essentially living between two households, has hurt our marriage and pulled Eric and I apart. Thankfully we are both commuted to making things better and stronger between us, but the how of that feels so enormous to me right now. Like how to even begin. I know sometimes it takes me a long time to make a decision, like moving back to Cedar Falls. It’s been on my mind for what feels like forever now. But now that I’m feeling like it’s the best choice for us, I want it now. I’m kind of like that with all my decisions. Once I make a choice, I want to work toward it, make it happen. It isn’t that easy though, our old house in Cedar Falls has renters and is currently for sale. We’d like to get that sold first. Then I assume we’d list our current home for sale. How long could all that take? And here I am feeling in limbo in the meantime. Moving again sounds so overwhelming to me, but with more bad weather coming and Eric being on-call and away again next week anyway, well, the feeling of wanting to be closer to him and together more is on my mind now more than ever. Looking back over the past several years, I haven’t felt at home. Not in Cedar Falls, and now not here. Could we move again, back to Cedar Falls, and finally make a house feel like a home? How? When? And what does moving the girls again do to them? Another new school? New friends, even though I know they are little and don’t remember much. But still. How do I not continue to feel like a visitor in my own house?

Divorce ~ Part 1

I haven’t written much regarding my life before Eric, before infertility and all that has followed.  Maybe I wasn’t ready to talk about it, or perhaps didn’t feel it was relevant.  I started this blog over a year ago to help me deal with infertility, our failed IUIs, and thus the start of our IVF journey.  Nowhere in that discussion did I think to mention my prior-life, but to be honest with myself, how I got to ‘here’ probably matters a lot more than I realize.

I’d need a 300+ page novel to really explain how I got to ‘here’, but for your sake I’ll summarize for now and perhaps elaborate in time, notice this is just ‘part 1’.  But oh gosh, how do I even summarize?  Is there a word limit on these posts???

I’m divorced.  Eric is my second husband.  And after my divorce, before I met Eric, I was engaged to M.  Thankfully I realized before it was too late that M wasn’t right for me.  Thankfully I had the courage to break off that engagement.  Thankfully I met Eric.  But that isn’t exactly where the story ends.  Apparently life’s hardest lessons can’t be tucked away in a shoebox; life isn’t always happily ever after.

I met my first husband, J, when I was a junior in college.  I worked at Younkers part-time with E.  E and her husband, A, were very close friends with J.  They’d all gone to high school together and remained close through the college years.  E decided the four of us needed to have dinner and drinks together one evening, and while I was reluctant, I agreed.  It was dinner and drinks, no harm possible, right?

Following all the characters??  HEHE

The four of us met for pizza and beer at Charley’s, although I think now it’s known by another name, and I assume different owners.  I haven’t been back since…  I can’t recall many of the details of that night, it was fourteen years ago now!  I can recall how I felt though.  J was kind, a little quiet, but quite attractive.  Definitely worth seeing again.  A week or so later he and I went out to dinner alone, to Chili’s I believe, but again, I don’t recall much more from the evening except that we stayed up all night talking about anything and everything.

~ to be continued ~

Omaha Weekend

I’m not even sure here to start… I guess first let me say, this past weekend was very nice. Eric and I traveled to Omaha Friday morning for the weekend to visit with and meet his brother’s fiancé’s family as their wedding is just four weeks away now. Her family is wonderful and sweet and just oh so nice, we had a great time!

Friday morning I had a rental showing which went really well, Eric went with me so we could just get out-of-town right after that. We took our time driving, stopped in Des Moines at a cute brewery for lunch and then got to Omaha around 3:00pm. We checked into our hotel and then met Eric’s brother and fiancé at this super cute wine tasting place, which also serves food and such. Very good dinner and fun to catch up with them. Then we stopped over at the fiancé’s brother’s home and enjoyed wine while chit chatting with more of her family.

Saturday Eric and I slept in and grabbed lunch before stopping at a mall for a few hours. Well, I stopped at a mall for a few hours, he found a nearby restaurant where he sampled whiskeys. That night back to the fiancé’s brother’s home to meet more family. Excellent food and great company, it really was a wonderful evening! Eric was exhausted though, so we left shortly after his parents around 10:30pm.

This morning we had breakfast with Eric’s brother and fiancé, her parents, and Eric’s parents. Great food and more great company! We left Omaha after breakfast and got back into North Liberty around 4pm.

I’m not sure if I’m just overly tired from the weekend or what, but I just felt overwhelmed with emotions when we got back into town. Mostly regarding my relationship with Eric. Spending time with other couples sometimes makes me realize how little time Eric and I really have together. I guess I get used to seeing him so seldom, but then I hear others talking about all the time they have together and all the things they do together, and well, I just end up really sad. Eric and I do very little together. In fact, as I think about it, we are really quite distant from one another most of the time… which saddens me.

For starters, the cute little wine place we ate at Friday night, I seem to think it was called Brix… It was in this super cute little area with tons of shops, bars, other restaurants. Omaha is FULL of these areas. Anyway, as we were sitting there enjoying wine it occurred to me, there are no places like this in Cedar Falls. We won’t ever have the opportunity to have others come visit us… We will be forced to travel out-of-town for such entertainment. I’m upset about this fact. And I blame Eric. I shouldn’t, but I do. I gave him one request, that where we moved had to be larger than Cedar Rapids. I didn’t feel like that was asking too much. But he completely disregarded my request. I feel like he didn’t care enough to taken into account my needs, instead he only focused on what was best for his career. And that hurts more than anything. Cedar Falls is not where I want to move, but I don’t much have a choice in the matter. And frankly, I’m not sure how to be happy about that. I announced on Facebook that Eric had accepted an offer there, and if you can believe it, as I’m sure you can, comments about us moving to the ghetto were made. Exactly why I didn’t want to move there…

So fast forward to Saturday evening, the official get together to meet family… I should mention here for your background, that when we go to such events, I normally plan Eric’s outfits. That may sound really silly, but Eric has zero sense of style, and thus I feel the need to make sure he is appropriate for the occasion. And I’m not saying this is his fault. 90% of his life he’s in scrubs, so, just my way of helping I guess. Also to note, Eric hates to shop and hates trying on new clothing, so even though I actually buy him quite a bit of new clothing, he requests that I return most. Yes, that pisses me off. Anyway, he was in need of new jeans anyway, so I bought him two pairs along with a dressy button down for him to wear Saturday night. He tried on both Thursday night and said they were fine. So we both get all ready, and what, he puts on old tennis shoes with the outfit. Seriously??? It was not a tennis shoe event. Apparently I should have told him he needed to take dressy black shoes, but I thought he would have known that. Never assume! So yes, I was annoyed. But even more so than that, I was annoyed that he didn’t care in the least. He didn’t care that I wanted him to look nice. He didn’t care to look nice. He didn’t care at all, about any of it. He didn’t even acknowledge the time I put into looking nice for the event, or the time to buy him clothing for the event.

Which leads me to, Eric just doesn’t care. I honestly feel like he makes no effort in most areas of his life. Okay, fine, I realize he works 90+ hours a week, and when he is at work he cares, he is extremely dedicated to his work and career. But can’t he care about other things too???

So when we get back home today, I kind of went off on him about everything I was feeling. (Other wives do this from time to time, right???)

Eric makes no effort at home. I’ve probably mentioned most of this before, but just to get my feelings out, you’re going to have to read it again, sorry. He basically does nothing at home, unless I bitch and moan and complain until he gets sick of listening to me and then does whatever it is just to shut me up. Like take the garbage out, change a light bulb, you name it, he won’t do it unless I bitch. Which basically means I just do everything myself. And yes, I have hired someone to change the light bulbs I can’t reach. Eric just basically doesn’t care if the house is messy, he’ll live that way. He’ll wear the same pullover again and again, he just doesn’t care. I’m exhausted from making sure everything that keeps a house running is in order. Did I mention the wedding is four weeks away and now Eric decides he might need a new suit. That will be on me too, as it’s not like he is going to pay attention to how long it takes to make sure a suit fits.

Eric doesn’t appear to care about himself. Okay, this might be a stretch, but again, this is written from my perspective and this is what I see. For starters, he’s gained quite a bit of weight since he started residency. Granted, he has little time to work out or eat healthy on the go, but some days he does have time, and he makes no effort those days either. He hasn’t been to the dentist since he started residency, which was five years ago. Yeah, not good. It’s probably been longer than that since he saw a doctor for a physical. Seeing his coworkers everyday doesn’t count. He doesn’t take any vitamins. He gets his haircut maybe once every four months. Which is fine if you have a long style. He has a short guy’s style. After two month he just looks unprofessional. He just doesn’t care.

Then there are things between him and me. I feel like there are things that a couple does for every other. Okay, maybe I’m not explaining this right, but… Like, the whole working out and staying in shape thing. I get my ass up at 4:30am partly for him, so I can stay in shape and look nice! I wear perfume so I can smell pretty. I spend hours shopping so I can look attractive in clothing for him. I spend an hour getting ready each morning so I look pretty. Partly for him. Shouldn’t he make the same efforts? Shouldn’t he get haircuts, make an effort with clothing, wear cologne, etc.? I’ve bought him cologne, he doesn’t like to wear it even though he knows I like it. The very things that attract a person to another are the very things he refuses to give any attention to. How is that supposed to make me feel toward him??

Also, recently he has been texting his coworkers and friends a ton. Like non-stop when he’s with me. He’ll smile and laugh as he’s texting them. But then acts like he has little to say to me, and rarely laughs and smiles during our conversations, what little conversations we have together. Why is he so excited to talk to them? Why can’t he focus on me? When he is home with me he appears to be in a horrible mood. I realize a large portion of that is probably just being burnt out from work, but why do I always get the worst side of him? He saves the happiness for others and leaves the exhaustion to filter through for the times he’s at home. How fair is that?? I get the leftover him?? Do you know how exhausting it is to constantly be trying to make someone talk to you, or to make someone smile, or laugh, or just be happy in general? I’m not sure how much longer I can do this…

Okay, sorry, this was a long, drawn out bitch session. If you made it this far, thank you. I just needed to get my feelings out. And if anyone has any great advice for me, I’m all ears… Of course Eric isn’t here, he went into work shortly after we got home…  And I have lots more on my mind, but my fingers are tired.  More tomorrow…