19w4d

People, I’m only 19 weeks and I feel huge.  And I know what you’re going to say…  I look great, but seriously, I’ve gained almost 16 pounds already.  I think that’s about what I had gained with Nora when she was born at 29 weeks.  Ugh.  Once baby is born I need a serious diet and workout plan!

19 weeks

I’ve been feeling really good.  Hungry all the time though, which could explain the weight gain.  And I’ll admit, it hasn’t all been healthy food.  I crave watermelon like crazy though, so I figure at least that is good for me.  I haven’t felt much movement yet, but being my placenta is in the front again, I’m not too concerned.  Every now and again I feel ‘things’ which I assume are baby girl.  Sleep is my biggest issue.  I have a terrible time getting to sleep, and staying asleep.  And it doesn’t help that Eric usually comes to bed after me, I wake up, and then have to fall asleep all over again.  And Nora has been waking up at night more often…  12 month sleep regression I’m told.  Hopefully it ends soon.  She did sleep 12 hours straight last night, so maybe we are back on track.

Nora has been super clingy lately, wanting to be held, a lot.  Makes it impossible to get anything done.  One of the reasons I haven’t posted lately. Well, that and I’ve gotten hooked on Pretty Little Liars, so that’s been taking up my evening time after Nora is in bed.

Still struggling with getting Nora to eat.  Her 15 month check-up is next week and I’m anxious to see what she weighs and ask the doctor for suggestions.  She’s picky, but I have found a few items she seems to like…  Cheese, lemon bars, fig newtons, bagels, hot dogs, summer sausage, club crackers, chicken nuggets, french fries, yogurt, peaches, gold-fish crackers, and yogurt melts, just to name a few.  And yesterday was the first day I got her to drink cow’s milk out of a cup, with a straw though.  We are still offering her bottles (fortified formula) before naps and bedtime, and honestly she still is drinking quite a bit of those since even though I can get her to eat some solid foods, the amount of those foods she actually swallows seems very little.  For example, yesterday morning I got her to eat one fig newton (60 cals.) and one piece of cheese (30 cals.) for a total of only 90 calories for breakfast.  That doesn’t really seem like much to me…

Nora is getting more of a personality, which is so fun to watch develop.  She definitely knows what she doesn’t want, pushing many things away.  And if she doesn’t get what she wants, our car keys for example, she certainly knows how to throw a fit.  Nap times are another cause for fits lately.  She knows as soon as I take her into her bedroom and turn on her sound machine…  And most naps are still pretty short.  We don’t allow Nora a lot of TV, but every now and again I turn on the Disney channel or something similar, and surprisingly she will actually sit for up to 10 minutes and watch.  And she dances when music comes on the TV.  So cute, but no clue where she learned that, as I certainly didn’t teach her, and it’s not like she’s around a lot of other kids to learn.

Aside from Nora and my pregnancy, Eric’s work has been a source of much stress lately.  I’m not supposed to say too much just yet, which is killing me.  It helps me a lot to talk things out with people, or at least get my feelings out on paper…  He has a meeting tonight where he claims some decisions will be made.  I really hope he’s right, although I’ve heard this before and then decisions have been put off or put on hold.  Hopefully I’ll know more tomorrow, but for now, just let me say, I feel a lot like I’m reliving two years ago when we, well Eric, decided we’d be moving to Cedar Falls.  His career seems to dictate my life.  And often it really sucks feeling like you don’t have a lot of say so over your own future.

My favorite sitter is back today, so I have a few more hours to run some errands.  I hope you’re all having a fabulous day!

You might want to sit down…

Yes, you might want to sit down before you read this…

I guess I should start by saying, if you know me in real life, I ask that you please not share this with anyone just yet.  I’ve tried to be super open and honest and I’d like to continue to do so, but that said, a lot of what I share with all of you through my blog, including this, isn’t meant to be shared with the entire world just yet…

I’m pregnant.

I know, right.  After everything we went through previously, three IUIs, two complete rounds of IVF, thousands of injections, literally hundreds of blood draws, way more doctors appointments than I’d like to recall, and so many damn ultrasounds…

So how did this happen you ask.  I have no freaking clue.  Okay, well, that’s not entirely true 😉

So remember back to that OB/GYN follow-up everyone has after having a baby?  Is it like six weeks after delivery maybe?  I don’t know, I just remember that Nora was still in the NICU, I was still terrified of losing her, and yet here my OB was saying, you really need to start back on BCPs.  Ha, yeah, I actually did fill the Rx, took the first pack home, and I’m fairly certain it’s still in my bathroom somewhere.  I guess the joke is on me for thinking I didn’t need them.  But seriously, I’m still nursing, on top of everything we went through.

So I’m now that chick.  The one who is going to be told she just needed to relax to get pregnant.  And I swear to God if anyone actually tells me that I will freak out.  I’m also the chick who has no idea how far along she is…  Which actually leads me to how I found out I was pregnant…

Last week I had some very light spotting, right on cycle day 29, so I assumed it was my period, as mine are often light anyway.  So I had this great idea to get some ovulation test strips and see if my cycles were back on track.  Yesterday, supposedly cycle day 6, I used one, and it showed peak fertility, which struck me as odd.  So I goggled reasons and found that it could mean you’re pregnant.  HA, I thought, that’s funny.  But I randomly took a test anyway.  And wouldn’t you know…IMG_3698I must have been in shock cause I looked at it and said, oh, to myself, set it on the counter and walked away.  I texted Eric shortly there after and he had a similar reaction…  Didn’t believe the test, as really, what are the chances?  My only thought was that my spotting last week was implantation bleeding, making me about 5 weeks along, but I honestly don’t know.

Today I went in search of those ClearBlue tests with the weeks estimator.  Ya know, with my baby, that still looks newborn.  Classy, right?  Well I went to three places before giving up, as apparently chicks in Cedar Falls don’t find themselves unexpectedly pregnant and unsure how far along they are, like chicks in Iowa City.  Apparently no demand here for such…

Why do I feel like such an irresponsible mother?  My doctor told me to wait at least a year to allow my body to heal, to allow time to finish breastfeeding and such.  Well, I basically have a 4 month old and I’m pregnant!  Never in my widest dreams was this in the cards for me.  I don’t even have a doctor here!  I called my OB in Iowa City and was told it’s totally up to me if I want to seek a physician in my new city, although they advised that I’d probably be referred to them later in the pregnancy anyway.  So out of convenience I called a doctor in town and explained my situation.  First steps I was told is to confirm viability, therefore I’m going for blood draws tomorrow and Friday morning to make sure my HCG levels are doubling appropriately.  Sounds familiar!  Once my level is at, I forget now, they will do an ultrasound to date the pregnancy.  All that sounded appropriate until the nurse told me that after that I’d see the doctor at 12 weeks.  Say what??  12 weeks??  Is that when normal people see their doctor??  I guess I was used to special treatment…  I expressed some concerns, again, given my history, and the nurse said they could perhaps see me at 10 weeks.  I still feel like that’s too far off.  Or maybe I’m just being paranoid.  I guess my plan for now is to proceed with the blood draws and ultrasound, and in the meantime chat with my OB in Iowa City again to see how early they would advise a first visit.  Maybe I will just end up back in Iowa City for all my care.  Depending on how many appointments I’ll have though, the drive could get old.

Oh, and just to confirm, I took a few more today.  These can’t all be wrong 🙂

IMG_3715

So honestly, I have no idea what to think.  Of course I’m thrilled, as I never pictured Nora to be an only child.  But I also didn’t picture children this close in age.  I mean, I’ve barely figured out one, much less two!  I was so excited to lose a few more pounds and get back in shape…  I guess now isn’t the time for that.  And OMG, do I really have to dig out my maternity clothes?  I guess the good thing, I’m not working now, so no dressing up!

Ultimately though, I could be getting ahead of myself.  I would venture to say every single one of you reading this know how delicate pregnancies are, especially this early.  There are certainly no guarantees, and as happy and excited as I am, I’m also terrified.  Scared this pregnancy will be a repeat of last, scared more NICU time is in our future.  I don’t know how I would handle that, and while I know every pregnancy is different, the fear I feel is all too familiar.

This Weekend

Last night Eric told me his brother and wife (whom I adore and haven’t seen in way too long) and some other friends as well are meeting up in Des Moines this weekend for Brewfest.  Sounds fun right?  Sorta…

I haven’t seen Eric’s brother and wife in quite a while, and I would love to spend some time with them.  Unfortunately though, it’s a package deal.  If I want to see them, which I do, I also have to see several others who, to be quite honest, annoy the shit outta me.  Okay, maybe that’s not quite fair to say.  I’m not all that close with these other friends, so perhaps I don’t know them well enough to judge…  Anyway, last night I told Eric I wasn’t all that thrilled with the idea of spending his first weekend off in quite some time, with (some) people who I’m not all that fond of.

This morning I was thinking, Eric and I so rarely get to actually go out and do something together, maybe we should just go.  I’ll suck it up and put on my happy face and finally have a chance to see his brother and my sister-in-law, even if I have to deal with the others.  So I booked playcare for Kona and a hotel for Eric and me.

Fast forward to earlier tonight, Eric got home from work at a decent time, around 6:15pm and was starving so he suggested we head out for dinner.  We’re diving to a Mexican restaurant and Eric, very nonchalantly says, “Oh, by the way, so and so are pregnant.”  I looked and him and just stared, as this is one of the couples we’d be seeing this weekend, one which I’m not all that fond of in the first place.  So, I was already faking wanting to see them, and now I’d have to slap a smile on my face and say, oh, so happy for you.  I was pregnant 6 weeks ago, and now I’m not, after a hellish time getting pregnant, but yes, I’m happy for you, how about we go get you a baby gift!

Sorry, that sounds really mean of me, but as my therapist says, we can’t control our feelings, only how we react to them.  And my reaction in the car, on the way to the restaurant, to this news, was bawling.  Yes, I don’t know what came over me, I just started crying.  For losing our baby, for the 22 months we’ve been trying, for the terror of having to start all over… it just all kind of came back to me.  Along with hurt that Eric wasn’t more considerate when sharing this news with me.  Did he not think this might be difficult for me to hear?  Did he not think that maybe the plans we’d just made for the weekend maybe weren’t the best considering what he and I have been through recently?  Six weeks is still recent, right?

So we obviously didn’t go to dinner, as I was a mess.  Eric picked up fast food for himself, I’d lost my appetite, and we came home.  We talked a lot tonight.  More than we have in a while, which was good for us.  I feel like our marriage is already stressed with his awful work schedule, and throwing infertility into the mix is just too much sometimes.  I love him, I really do, but man, he’s oblivious sometimes!  Is that all men??

So our talk…  Eric explained how he thinks about this infertility struggle.  He feels we are doing everything we can right now, we have our appointment Monday, and we will do another IVF cycle, the best treatment for infertility…  He says this is a numbers game and if we do enough cycles we will get our baby.  And maybe he’s not wrong in his thinking, but he’s so…  Thinking like a doctor!  Why can’t he consider the feelings involved??  It’s more than just treatment and a plan!

And sure, we have our appointment Monday, which I’ll attend alone since he can’t rearrange his patients with this short of notice.  But who knows what they will tell me.  I assume we will formulate some plan, but what about in the meantime?  How do I go on day after day, seeing babies, and pregnant women?  How do I find a way to be happy for them when I’m still so sad for me?  I can’t avoid those with babies and bellies forever!  Can I??

And I cancelled our hotel room, although Kona will still go to playcare, as it is non-refundable this close to her scheduled arrival time.  No idea what Eric and I are doing this weekend now.  I searched the internet for ‘fun events in Iowa this weekend’ but all I got was alcoholics anonymous and Brewfest.  No seriously.  Remember when I was pissed about Eric wanting to stay in Iowa?  Okay, I’m still pissed about that, but this is why!  It’s like, we have a free weekend, and what the crap are we going to do now that I clearly have to avoid pregnant ladies!?

6w3d

You know those people who are so incredibly negative?  Well, try working next to one for 40+ hours a week.  Let’s call her Debbie, short for Debbie Downer.  And no, I really could care less if she ends up reading this.  I swear, either she goes or I go, but I can’t continue working in such close proximity to her.  Just not healthy for me.  I don’t even know how to explain how bothersome and disruptive to my days she has become.  Okay, let me try…

  • She talks to her computer, often loudly.  No, it’s more like she yells at her computer if it happens to think for a second longer than she feels appropriate.  When I first started I used to think she was talking to me.  Now I know to ignore her outbursts.  But seriously, what adult does that?  Don’t they make meds for anxiety?  Because she clearly is not handling hers well.
  • When she is particularly annoyed with her computer, or the air, or God knows what, she announces that she must look for a new job.  I’ve only worked with her a year so far and apparently something is wrong as she’s been looking for a job the entire time, but darn it, she is still here.
  • She expects important people to know her, and loudly announces her displeasure when they don’t.  Um, this hospital is huge.  We are nobodies in finance.  If the CFO did know my name, I’d be alarmed.  Get over it lady.  Just do your job and shut up.
  • She doesn’t eat.  I’m not sure why this bothers me, as honestly, it doesn’t have much to do with me, other than I realize it’s normal for humans to consume food.  Hello!  No wonder she has to wear her winter coat all summer with her space heater running full blast.  Humans have fat for a reason.
  • She’s extremely passive-aggressive.  Yes, this is never a good quality in a person, now is it?  Example…  One day I walked to get lunch from one of our cafes with several other co-workers.  We did not invite her to walk with us.  I don’t like her and frankly wanted away from her, if only for a few minutes, so obviously I wasn’t going to invite her.  I can’t speak for the others.  Anyway, we got back to our desks with lunch and she sends me an IM that her coworkers hurt her feelings.  Who says that to one of the people who did it???  I mean really.  We are adults here.  I’m not obligated to ask her each day if she wants to walk to get lunch.  Although, if I did, she would always say no anyway since she doesn’t freaking eat!
  • She is constantly on the phone with her husband or kids.  Now again, I could care less how people spend their time at work.  She is not on my team and thus her time doesn’t matter to me.  What bothers me though is that she is constantly complaining that she doesn’t have enough time to complete her work.  This I hear non-stop.  Well lady, if you’d let your husband and kids have a few free minutes from your bitching, maybe your work would be complete!
  • She clearly feels she is entitled to a hefty raise.  She told us all that today.  And not quietly either, I might add.  I assume her boss heard.  I assume everyone’s boss heard.
  • She’s nosy.  On a regular basis she sneaks up behind me, scaring the shit outta me, and asks what I’m working on.  Um, work, isn’t that what people do at work??  And the other day I picked up a refill of PIO from the pharmacy, arriving back at my desk with a white bag that clearly stated pharmacy.  She had the nerve to ask what goodies I purchased.  Um, honey, these are far from goodies, but so nice of you to openly point out to our area my pharmacy run.

Okay, I could really go on and on, but I feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about her.  I do realize that I am not always an extremely positive person, but to the outside world, especially at work, I keep my composure.  I just wish she would keep her outbursts and opinions to herself, as she is seriously dragging me down.  I searched for jobs online last night, simply because I couldn’t imagine going back to work this morning and being forced to deal with her.

In other news, I have a few concerns.  First, my hip feels strangely numb.  A few weeks ago one of my progesterone shots Eric gave me bruised quite badly.  Really the only shot that has ever left a mark, which also stung for hours, which is odd as well.  Anyway, a few days later my hip on that side felt odd.  And it’s not necessarily where the shot was given, it’s lower on the side.  It feels numb is the best way I can describe it.  I asked Eric about it and he said we must have hit a nerve and that the feeling will come back in time.  Has anyone else experienced this?

Other concern…  I didn’t feel the best today.  I wouldn’t say I was nauseous though, I just felt off.  I woke up this morning and felt hot and sweaty, you know how you feel when you have a fever?  But I highly doubt I actually had one.  I felt a bit better after I showered and thus headed to work.  Shortly after arriving I realized I was starving.  And not just a little hungry, but a lot.  And yes, I’m guessing I didn’t make the best choice for breakfast.  One of the girls I work with made way yummy bars for her birthday, so that was breakfast along with a decaf pumpkin spice latte.  A few hours later though, starving again.  It was almost like I felt shaky, like my blood sugar was really low, I really needed to eat.  The cafes at work had awful choices today, so lunch was a loaded baked potato.  A few hour later, that shaky feeling was back.  And while I have heartburn almost everyday from my acid reflux, today it felt even worse.  That strange feeling in your throat like something is there…  I think I would have felt better if I’d actually been able to throw up, but nope, didn’t do that.  I’m really hoping I feel better tomorrow.

Only a few more days until our ultrasound and clinic visit with our RE!!!