I woke at 3:30am this morning and the first thought that popped into my head was, you need to go pee on a stick (POAS). In my defense though, Eric was on-call last night and his pager went off countless times, so being that I waited until the 3:30am page to POAS is pretty amazing of me, if I do say so myself.
The line on the First Response was no darker today than yesterday, so I didn’t bother taking a picture. Should I be alarmed it’s no darker at 11dpo than at 10dpo? I did receive a bit of reassurance from the Clearblue digital with weeks estimator, as it proudly displayed 1-2 weeks pregnant! I’m making a note to buy more of each over the weekend. Obviously I underestimated the number of sticks required this cycle.
We made it to Friday, and I can’t even begin to tell you how happy that makes me. The past two weeks have been filled with emotional ups and downs. Although I guess this rollercoaster is far from over. The positive test is certainly comforting but just the first of many hurdles. My first beta is Tuesday morning, and if the line doesn’t get darker over the weekend I’m really going to worry. Even if Tuesday’s beta is good, it will need to be repeated Thursday morning. And pending a good result there, my first ultrasound will be scheduled. And we all know how that ended everything last cycle. Terrified doesn’t really begin to explain how I feel every time I think about having to wait several weeks, wondering if a heartbeat will be found this time. How will I get through those weeks?
Yesterday was my first therapy session in several weeks due to my provider’s schedule. I think she had a conference out-of-town last week, and the week before that my boss had scheduled a meeting at the same time as my appointment. Funny how when I need the time to vent and recollect my thoughts the most, my therapist isn’t available… Yesterday’s session made up for lost time though, as I filled her in on the details of the past several weeks, the retrieval, my tears over the fertilization report, our transfer, and then more sadness over the frozen embryo report. I spent most of our 50 minutes expressing concerns over the lack of communication I feel exists between IVF patients, myself included, and my clinic, which is housed in the same facility as my therapist’s office. Having been a patient in this facility herself, my therapist agreed, the medical care we receive is exceptional, the communication is inexcusable at times.
During my recap of the past several weeks I found myself centering on a few key thoughts and feelings, one being my need to follow the rules, to not ask questions, to not make more work for my nurses and doctors, to not stand out, etc. My therapist must have noticed it as well, because toward the end of our session she asked me if not calling the embryologist to question the condition of my embryos caused me more or less stress in the end. My first thought was less, because I didn’t want to bother the embryologist, I didn’t want to request more information than they would normally provide any other patient, I didn’t want to stand out as the patient that called with countless questions… Those would have caused me more stress. And while all of that is true, maybe the reason was more based in fear. Did I not want to know more? Was it easier to use my own imagination, to picture all going well, or all not going well, because that was more comfortable for me? But how could having less information make me feel more comfortable? Because that is what I’m used to…? My therapist asked me to spend some time before our next meeting trying to answer some of these questions. So far though, I’m still in the dark.
Work is still a thorn in my side. My boss is out until the end of the month, and while I originally thought this would be a nice break to catch up on emails and process month-end entries at my own pace, so far, that’s not the case. I’ve found myself with quite random requests, which I assume are tasks she handles, but thus, in her absence, some have fallen on my shoulders. I certainly don’t mind taking on additional work, as I was worried about boredom slipping in, but the complete lack of knowledge I have regarding these tasks has just caused more anxiety. Perhaps I have the wrong personality for this role, as while I’m open to learning, I expect a certain level of training, and to be honest, training is lacking in this department. I don’t feel confident that when I go to my boss I’ll receive a correct, easy to understand answer, or even a justified point in the right direction. Staring at my computer screens all day, in awe of how to solve problems, is rather disheartening. I’ll admit, knowing I’m leaving in 9 months probably isn’t helping my motivation, but this all just feels too difficult at times. My therapist again suggested tying to go part-time. She thinks it would take some stress off me, allowing me more time to handle everything at home since Eric’s schedule doesn’t afford him much time to help. And then there is moving in 9 months, which is looking more toward building a new home that purchasing preexisting. Doesn’t building out-of-town require trips to the building site? How would I manage that while working full-time? And more IVF appointments if this cycle isn’t successful… Or OB appointments if it is, as both require more time off work… And rental property… The list of obligations just seems to go on and on. I’m scared of staying here full-time while managing all these issues, but also scared to investigate part-time further. Scared of what agenda my boss would have in mind… Scared of Eric thinking I wasn’t pulling my weight by only working part-time when he’s working the equivalent of more than two full-time jobs… Is a different job altogether the answer? Who would hire me knowing I’m moving out-of-town in 9 months?
On a brighter, happier note, does anyone have any fun plans for this weekend? Tomorrow I think I’m heading to an outlet mall with a friend who I haven’t seen in FOREVER. Should be fun to catch up! Sunday might be laundry and cleaning as usual. Seems like such a waste of a weekend day. When does everyone else do laundry and clean???
To close I feel I should acknowledge several blog awards I’ve received lately. There is always a ping of pride when I see my website listed on another’s page. I’m really in awe that so many read my words, that so many find themselves in my stories, that common ground… That said though, in the past I’ve refrained from completing the next steps in blog awards. Not because I don’t feel honored, I truly do, but more because completing those posts feels like one more obligation… I want this space to be a place I come to when my mind needs an outlet, not one in which I feel compelled to write on certain topics. I truly hope those who nominated me understand I really am grateful for including me. Thank you!