Damn Snow

If I wasn’t born and raised in Iowa and married a guy also from Iowa, I would not still be here. I hate snow. Yes, it can be pretty. But the chaos it causes, the car accidents, the deaths… I could certainly do without all those. We are supposed to get six inches of this white stuff today, and already the interstate is snow-covered. And of course today is Eric’s clinic day in Ft. Dodge… Why do I feel like he’s going to get stuck there and end up spending another night away??

Today is my mom’s birthday and I wanted to surprise her at work with a bouquet of flowers. Cue snow storm… When I dropped the girls off at daycare this morning around 8:30am I learned they were closing at noon due to the expected bad weather. If I’d known ahead of time I would have just kept them home the entire day… Sometimes the morning struggling of waking up, getting dressed, breakfast, and somehow out the door, just isn’t worth it. Especially for only three hours. Although… buying groceries was easier alone.

I returned home to shower after dropping the girls off and received a call that my afternoon window shutter install needed to be moved to the morning. Again, the freaking snow. So I bought groceries quick as I needed ingredients for dinner, Million Dollar Spaghetti, and by that time it was already 11:35am and thus back to daycare. I’ve made this dish several times and the girls really liked it. Fingers crossed they still do. You know toddlers! And another dish with sour cream, cream cheese, even cottage cheese…

So back home, girls are napping, I’m feeding my face for the first time today (how do I forget to eat??) and wondering how I will occupy Nora’s and Nadia’s busy brains once they wake. Do other people’s kids just play? Do you entertain your children? To be honest, I love them, but I don’t love sitting on the floor playing train or coloring all afternoon… I’d rather be doing laundry, making dinner, and perhaps dreaming up ways to decorate this room with furniture and other fixtures now that the shutters are here… What do you think? A bit hard to see in the pictures due to the lighting. I really like them, but Nora was already banging them open and closed as I was rocking Nadia before her nap.

I was looking at my calendar for the next few months and noticed Eric is away overnight 12 out of 28 days in February, 43%, and 17 out of 31 days in March, 55%. Um, certainly more than the 33% of the time we originally discussed when our decision to move here was made. Granted, there are special circumstances the next couple months. Eric takes his oral boards in Dallas during his vacation week in February, and Eric is going to Las Vegas with some friends in March during his vacation week. And don’t even get me started. I know he deserves a vacation… but… Where does one draw the line? When you’re already away from your family that much, shouldn’t you possibly forgo vacations? I don’t take vacations, how would I? We don’t take any as a family either. I know Eric works so hard, so many hours… But, I don’t know. Part of me feels like perhaps now is not the time for him to vacation with friends, that sacrifices, while they suck, are being made on all our parts. Eric choose this professional, long before him and I even met. Yes, I was probably a little naive as to what I was getting into when Eric and I got married. I didn’t realize the extreme time commitment that was being a surgeon. And while I do complain a lot, I’m handling two little kids here, alone, more than 50% of the time some months. It’s exhausting!

Happy Friday!

We made it to another Friday. Eric is on-call this week, and worked late EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. I know I should be used to his schedule by now… but I’m not. I still get angry, discouraged, disappointed, overwhelmed, etc. when I hear he’s going to be late. Why is it the girls have to both cry and whine from 5-7pm?? Yesterday Nora and I were playing outside around 4:30pm and I saw several neighbors arrive home, I assume from work. Made me sad that scenario can’t be my reality.

Yesterday Eric was seeing patients at his Ft. Dodge clinic. Now I know this will piss some of you off, but… would I be a good blogger if I didn’t sometimes post controversial stuff? So I’ll just say it. I hate Eric has a clinic there. He is more than busy with his patients in the darn city where we live. I travel to Iowa City all the freaking time to see specialists, as I understand that some surgical specialties aren’t available in smaller cities. (Supply and demand people.) Ft. Dodge is small. Can’t those people travel for their care, just like I do all the freaking time with the girls? Eric going there a few times a month means even less time with him.

Monday is Eric’s birthday, and it sounds like for his gift he wants to spend the weekend away with his dad’s brother and family. I forget where now, but I think it’s a 3-4 hour drive from us. His uncle has a cabin on a lake and is inviting a bunch of people to stay the weekend. Not my kind of time away, and I have little to no desire to sit in a car with little ones for any length of time. Eric wants to go though, and mentioned this morning he would like to take Nora. Now, I personally think it’s a horrible idea, but I’m not going to tell him no. I just think once he gets there with her he might regret it. Kids out-of-town, overnight, are a lot of work. Plus, he wants to stop on the way back and spend time with some friends in Des Moines that he hasn’t seen in a while. The weekend would be easier for me with just Nadia… Another weekend alone though. I did purchase gifts for Eric, whiskey glasses and an aluminum wallet. Eric is very picky… so we’ll see.


In other news… I think I’m having a mid-life crisis. Am I in my mid-life?? Anyway… You know I still have the idea of opening a coffee shop in the back of my mind… But I have other ideas too. Maybe I have too many ideas. I need to focus and narrow down my options. But how? And are any if these good ideas when I have two little girls? And would like a third child at some point… which would probably be another high-risk pregnancy ending in the birth of a preemie…

  • There is the traditional job avenue. Meaning, what I was doing before I had the girls. I started updating my resume a few weeks ago, but I’m not extremely motivated to get back into boring finance/accounting work… Do you blame me? Also, being we are in the 39% tax bracket, and I pay our sitter $12.50 an hour, I might end up bringing home less than I pay our nanny. Depressing. Yes, something to be said for working and being happy, but still. Plus, the search for jobs in this area hasn’t turned up much. Seems this city is all about labor and manufacturing positions. Which doesn’t surprise me.
  • So new idea… And this might surprise some of you, but what about me opening a salon/spa? I have the business background with my undergrad in Finance and MBA, but I would obviously need the trade schooling. We have a couple of options here in town, my fear though, is that I’d be in classes with 18 year olds. Being 37 and having worked in professional environments, I just have a strange feeling I might be a little out-of-place. Crazy idea? I’m not so sure the idea of doing hair interests me as much as skin care/make-up. And I realize the money isn’t going to come from offering those services myself, but rather from owning the business. I have not mentioned this idea to Eric yet… I wonder what his response will be.

Annoyed

Down to 78 days of work, but am I seriously going to make it???  I officially sent the email to my boss this morning around 9am with my end date…  And by noon coworker N already knew the date.  Like seriously?  He said our boss told him.  How did they possibly have time to discuss my plans so quickly??  Does anyone else find that very odd?  Makes me wonder how often they meet to discuss my exit…  I’m so over that place!

My Wit’s End

Sorry, this is a venting post.  Skip if you wish 🙂

I’m about at my wit’s end with work…  I’m honest to God sitting here, staring at my computer, wondering if all this is really worth it.  The time, the frustration, the money, the effort…  I’m not convinced it is.  Granted, my boss has removed most of my prior work obligations, and therefore my days are left rather empty, but what is left for work is completely ridiculous.  I did not obtain a masters degree to complete intern-level assignments.  And really, the taxpayers shouldn’t be paying me for such either.  I’m frankly bored out of my mind.  And yes, I could see this as an opportunity to earn money while remaining underutilized, a cushy job if you will, but I’m learning that not enough work, and work that is beneath me, is far more stressful than mind-challenging tasks which would excite and stimulate my brain.

None of this is new though.  Ever since my boss was made aware of my pregnancy I’ve slowly been down-graded on the totum pole here.  What is new though, is N’s more consistent overstepping of boundaries within his own role.  Our boss is on vacation this week, and twice today N has forwarded work to me, emails/issues originally sent to him which he is fully capably of handling.  See the thing is, N wants to be noticed, wearing suits and ties when even the higher-ups in my area don’t.  He is obsessed with sucking up to anyone in administration he deems important, anyone who can promote his career.  I am clearly not like this, I never had been, even when my career was of the utmost importance to me.  N basically is refusing to allot any time to work which doesn’t get him noticed.  And frankly, everyone’s role here includes some of such work, it’s just how life works.  You do the fun and exciting with the not so fun and not so exciting.  But oh no, not N I guess.  The emails he’s been forwarding to me as those which are unexciting, messy work which involve no higher-ups.  Simply unglamorous issues that need to be handled.

So I called him on it…  He gave me this lame-o line about how he didn’t know whose role this type of work was…  Um, hello, whoever receives the request!!  It’s called work for a reason, it’s not always fun!  I’ve never seen myself as above anyway, but N is really pushing my limits.  He is younger than myself, with far less experience.  I’m not okay with him treating me as his employee.  If he has work he can’t accommodate, he really should be discussing roles with our boss, and not taking it upon himself to redistribute the work.

Another example…  N scheduled a meeting with me earlier this week, again, our boss being on vacation.  I ‘accepted’ the calendar invite but later stressed to him I didn’t see the need to meet this week, being many questions and answers would be expected from management.  If you can believe it, his response was that he was going to be making the decisions.  He even went as far as to say his decisions would be more trustworthy than our boss’s.  I was speechless.  I have never before in my life met someone who so blatantly over-steps boundaries and authority, taking it upon themselves to better their own situation.

113 days until baby is due and my employment here ends.  How will I make it??

Full Disclosure with Employer?

I’m looking for some opinions on what others have told their boss/employer and what they have kept to themselves…

Remember back to all the drama when I requested to go part-time at work? My employer basically said I could, but that I’d need to agree to be reclassified as temporary so they could hire my replacement immediately. Now that in and of itself was ridiculous, as here I sit at work, bored because my boss has already reassigned my work to others.

Last week my boss called me and my two teammates into her office to discuss time off in the coming months, just to make sure we’re all on the same page. My boss will be gone January month-end, my female teammate is taking a vacation over February month-end, and then N’s wife is due May 1st so who knows when he will need time off. He requested two weeks leave one his daughter is born, which to me is insane, but then again, perspective I guess. I assume Eric will have the day of our baby girl’s birth off, and that’s it. Anyway, in this conversation my boss confirmed my due date, June 1st, and then asked how much longer I was planning to work. I felt very put on the spot, being my teammates were in the room, but I answered honestly, that I’d like to work as long as I can. Now, in my boss’s mind I assume she heard I’d stay working until fairly close to June 1st. Here’s where full disclosure comes into play…

Should I have told my boss the whole truth, that there is a chance I won’t be here working until June 1st due to my shortened cervix and complications that may arise? I mean, technically at this point I don’t know… I’m scared to be honest with her though, for fear she will try (again) to push me out of my role before I’m ready to leave. I just don’t want to give her any more reason to get me out of here than she already has. In the big picture I’d normally think it’s required to be upfront with your boss, to make sure the team/company doesn’t suffer, but in this case, since so little of my work is still on my plate, I’m not seeing the point. Or maybe I’m trying not to see the point.

Also in the meeting with my team and boss I was asked whether or not I was planning to return to work after baby is born. My team knows my situation, that we are moving for Eric’s work, but they also know our house won’t be finished for many months from now, leaving me here in town and technically available to work. Now there are advantages to coming back to work… I could take a true maternity leave, which isn’t paid, but at least I wouldn’t lose my sick-time. And I think I could arrange to cover our health insurance for the months we’ll be without, a huge plus. But on the other hand, I haven’t arranged for childcare, thinking I wouldn’t need it here in town. Do I start researching that just in case? Will I even want to come back to work? What if I agree now to come back but then change my mind, does that leave my team worse off? Whose needs/wants come first? How do I not feel like I’m taking advantage of my employer, being so much of my life during the next ten months is unknown?

Emerald

I received an email today advertising birthstone jewelry for new moms…  Am I horrible for wanting my baby girl to be born a few days early so her stone is emerald for May rather than pearl for June?  I’m already picturing a beautiful emerald necklace…

Okay, back to real life now…

I seem to have a lot on my mind today, although strangely enough, I’m at work, yet none of my mind’s worries are work-related…  I suppose I should be thankful for such a stress-free role.  Or perhaps I’m making my role stress-free by ignoring the stressors, such as the Instant Message my boss just sent which makes zero sense.  This is not uncommon, however.

So what is on my mind…

  • A 3pm phone call today is scheduled with our builder, where I’ll tell him we’re over budget by $100K and we haven’t even broken ground yet.  I wonder how that will go??  Surely there are items that can be cut or reduced, right?  Anyone know which areas are good to cut and which shouldn’t be?  The last thing I want to do is jeopardize resale opportunities.
  • How is my nose still stuffy?  How am I still coughing?  And my head still hurts.  When will I be better???
  • Why can’t N just admit he is forgoing his season football tickets to pay for daycare?  Instead of making up this elaborate story about how the Hawks now suck.  And okay, maybe they do, but what true fan ditches them when they are down??  Maybe he just doesn’t want us all to know he can’t afford their new Lexus, daycare, and Burberry clothing.  (Gag me.)
  • I love that Debbie Downer is wearing her winter coat, in the office, with her space heater running full blast, while standing at her desk meant for seated work only (monitor and keyboard propped up with phone books) wearing tennis shoes with dress pants.  Classy.  And I shouldn’t know this, but her husband has already been to Dick’s and Best Buy today looking for a birthday gift for her son’s twin friends and Target and Walmart looking for a 32 inch TV wall mount.  Apparently Target doesn’t have it in stock and while Walmart does, they are charging more.  Oh, rich people problems.  Yesterday she was sending him all over town looking for the cheapest gas.  I have a strange feeling he spent more in gas getting to the cheapest location.  And really, unless you’re buying it by the barrel, does a few cents per gallon really make a difference?  (I’m not turning into a snob, am I?)
  • I’ve been meaning to post about my Christmas… one of these days, although there really isn’t that much to tell.  I lead a boring life it seems.
  • Speaking of my boring life, New Year’s Eve.  Plans have not yet been determined, but if they are up to me I’d pick to rent a movie (any suggestions?) and order in my favorite, pokey stix of course!  Eric might have other ideas though.  But since I go to bed around 9pm these days, maybe he can go out after 🙂

Back to work, as i see my boss is summoning me to post some icky entries.  I promise to share about Christmas soon!

15w2d – Heartburn & Venting

Remember how I’m no longer seeing my therapist?  Well, lucky you guys, since I can’t vent to her, I’m gonna have to vent to all of you.  Feel free to skip this post if you’d rather not be brought down by my negative attitude today.  Most of the following is me getting my thoughts and fears out of my head.

First though, before the actual venting begins, I must say, holy heartburn!  I suffer from heartburn almost every single day, even before I was pregnant.  I have a bad case of acid reflux, GERD, or whatever they call it.  I had one of those fun scopes a few years ago and have since been taking 40mg of omeprazole/Prilosec daily ever since.  It does seem to help some, but I still often experience heartburn depending on what I eat.  Sometimes I swear even water causes me symptoms!  Normally I would describe heartburn as uncomfortable, but wow, I woke up around 4am this morning in terrible pain.  Real pain, way more than uncomfortable.  At first I thought the pain was more in my stomach, so I went to the bathroom and then tried to lay back down, but I noticed the pain was much worst when lying flat, a definite sign it was heartburn.  The pain was just so intense though, so I woke up Eric from his snoring…  He asked, ‘is the pain around your belly button?’ It wasn’t, so he said, ‘it’s indigestion, go back to sleep.’  Again, no help when I actually need his expertise!  So I chewed a huge handful of Tums and within 15 minutes the terrible pain subsided and I was finally able to get back to sleep.  Let’s hope this doesn’t happen every night!

So on to the venting.  How about bullets so you can clearly see where I stop complaining about one topic and move to the next!

  • I think work is actually harmful to my health.  Remember N, my awful male coworker?  Remember his wife is pregnant, due a month before me, so they are about 20 weeks now.  Well, I seriously can’t take him.  Every single word out of his mouth is about the pregnancy, how he is going to handle the actual birth, how his wife is a crying mess of emotions, how she demands foot rubs, all about their centering pregnancy classes (in detail), everything he needs to learn and know yet, how his daughter isn’t ever dating, his comments about the baby and pregnancy just never end.  And granted, I get he is excited, but frankly, the rest of the office just doesn’t feel the same way.  As why should we?  I get I’m excited for my baby, but I also get my coworkers don’t need or want to hear every detail.  I mean my God, I know all about her checkups, the stirrups and all, her breast pump, and so much more.  He’s just sharing way too much, too personal, and on top of it all, he’s so immature about it all.  I just can’t take it anymore.  Even seeing him causes me anxiety.  I need a way to distance myself from him, but that’s almost impossible since we work on the same team and thus are forced to interact multiple times a day.
  • So why am I am so annoyed with N.  Well, I have a few reasons, and I assume most of them are my personal issues.  Perhaps others in the office actually like to hear about his wife’s pregnancy 24/7, although I doubt it!  I think what annoys me, or rather is hurtful too me, is his overwhelming oblivious attitude toward getting pregnancy, pregnancy, and beyond.  And yes, I get this has a lot to do with my own experience.  I am and have been scared of every step so far.  I keep thinking back to our two quality embryos from 18 eggs, which is not a great number.  I understand the risks, what can do wrong, how hard it is sometimes to be infertile, to go through IVF.  He, on the other hand, is clueless.  They got pregnant right away, they skipped all the testing, assuming their baby is normal.  I guess it’s the assuming that is the hardest for me.  I don’t wish something to be wrong with their child, but a part of me wants him to get a wake up call, to acknowledge this process isn’t always easy or perfect…  They have no idea what going through a miscarriage is, especially after IVF, when the stakes are so high.  I just wish he could at least acknowledge the risks involved, but he is clueless.  And I assume it’s the clueless that continue to live in their sheltered world, with their perfect babies.  So yes, I’m bitter it’s easy and happy for them, and hasn’t been for me.  I want to feel normal, to get pregnant the normal way without a team full of doctors at every step, to live in happiness and not constantly worry about how old I’ll be when this one is born, and if we will have to get more eggs, and what condition my eggs will be in as I continue to age.  Will we get more eggs, should we save the frozen embryo we have as a last resort?  What if we can’t get more quality embryos, what if our frozen embryos doesn’t thaw correctly?  Can I afford to breastfeed for a year before we try to get more eggs again, or will that be too long, will I be too old?  So much to think about, worry about…
  • Work continues to suck.  I continue to feel isolated by my teammates, including my boss.  It’s like I’m already gone to them, but yet here I sit.  I mean really, no one should have time to blog at work.  But my boss knows I’m bored and refuses to teach me new things, so what else should I be doing it?  I’ve been as open and honest with her about my time as I can…
  • I’m nervous about money.  I know, I know.  I know what you’re going to say, I’ve heard it before, and frankly I’m sick of hearing, ‘you married a doctor.’  Truth be told though, he’s still a resident for six more months, and residents don’t make great money.  I make more than he does currently.  I’ve never really been worried about money in the past though, as we spend within our means.  If we can’t afford it, we don’t buy it, we don’t go on the trip, etc.  I consider us smart about our money.  Yes, I do buy a ton of stuff I don’t need, but we are a two income household without children, there is always extra money, so if the bills are paid and I happen to want something, I usually buy it.  I know that might sound bad, but just being honest.  Eric just got back from Vegas though, and no, he didn’t break us, but he spent a lot, well, gambled away a lot, which is hard for me.  When I spend money I expect to get something in return.  When Eric spends money he expects to get entertainment in return.  He likes going out to eat, he likes traveling and gambling, to him it’s worth the money.  So yes, he spend a lot in Vegas, at a time when we need extra money, as it’s December, lots of Christmas presents to buy, and a house to build.  My next topic…
  • Eric and I are going Saturday to meet with our builder and finalize plans.  I’m not sure exactly what we are finalizing, as frankly I feel nowhere near close to finalizing anything.  We have picked a lot and an offer has been made, but the floor plans need to be finished and appraised before we can close on the lot.  I’ve posted several times about our floor plans, so if you’ve been following along, you’ve seen pretty much everything I’ve seen.  The plans themselves are rough, I mean, I know where the rooms will be and such, but I don’t have exact dimensions, doors and windows aren’t drawn in, etc.  The plans just don’t feel ‘done’ to me, as there are so many details yet.  But, perhaps they don’t truly need to be ‘done’ to close on the lot, what do I know.  Closing on the lot though means we hand over a chunk of money, money we could really use on bills, baby stuff, Christmas gifts, etc.  Truth be told we don’t have the full 10% the bank wants.  We have $50K in savings, so only 5%, but somehow the bank will make that work until Eric starts working next year and we can hand over the remaining 5%.  Handing over all of our savings though makes me nervous.  No, I don’t dip into the savings ever, but what if something happens and we would need to?  A lot can happen when a baby is due in six months!  And did I mention that I’ll quit work at the beginning of June when the baby is born and Eric is finished at the end of June?  That means we have one income in June, and no income in July as Eric doesn’t start working until August 1st.  And what if they pay him monthly and we don’t have income until September 1st??  I’m starting to freak out.  Granted, once he starts getting paid we will be fine, but it’s getting to that point.

Maybe this is all the hormones talking, and the stress catching up with me….

A Rant

Warning, this is mostly a rant post, you know, me getting my feelings out, therapy if you will. Feel free to skip this post altogether if you’d rather not have your day bombarded with my petty issues 🙂

So yesterday sucked. Allow me to recap. It’s month-end at work. Those of you in accounting and finance understand this. Those of you in other fields, I wish I was you. There is just something about redoing the same tasks month after month, closing the books. I mean, we closed them last month, why close them again! (Clearly I wasn’t meant for this field!) But yes, it’s month-end and thus our busy time. Normally I enjoy month-end, the days seem to fly as I don’t find myself overcome with boredom. This month-end is different though. For the past year and a half I was responsible for valuing A/R and posting adjustments as necessary. I won’t explain the process here, just go with it. It’s a lot of Excel work, crunching numbers, V-Lookups, you know, stuff I actually enjoy, because believe it or not, I do like numbers, just not T accounts. Anyway, this task of mine, considered very important, has been reassigned to none other than N, the coworker I despise for reasons too long to list here, but allow me to try:

  • He believes all CPAs should wear capes at work to signify their super-powers.
  • He makes all of maybe $60K or so a year, but yet insists on wearing mostly Burberry.
  • His ties match his socks as he is preparing for management. His words, certainly not mine.
  • He believes he deserves a corner office with a window in our new building.
  • He refers to our boss as ‘Boss Lady’.

Okay, honestly, those don’t even begin to give you a true picture of him, but I’ll stop before my blood pressure rises any further. So yes, back to the A/R valuation. He was assigned this task, I can only assume because my boss knows I’m leaving in seven months and apparently it’s going to take genius boy that long to learn this task. Can I point out I mastered it in one month, maybe two?

So with my best smile I trained him this month, and can you believe that he had the audacity to continuously check his cell phone during our training? I mean, he wasn’t even remotely paying attention! Does he think he’s too good to learn from me, or what the crap is his deal?? He even got up once to go talk to another coworker, in the mist of me speaking. Who does that???

Back to yesterday though. The valuation was complete Wednesday morning, but my boss (don’t even get me started) wasn’t comfortable with the results. Personally, I trust the process, but acknowledge it has gaps and a huge margin for errors since the work is quite manual, lots of formulas and such. That said, I was willing to discuss and determine if changes needed to be made before I posted adjustments to our general ledger. So we did discuss, and discuss, and still my boss and N were uncomfortable with the numbers, claiming they just didn’t understand it. So we all went home Wednesday night to think on it.

Yesterday morning, Thursday. Remember every Thursday morning at 9am I see my therapist… So yes, of course my boss would want to meet again at 8am, making me very nervous about overlapping my appointment. And yes, of course my appointments are on my calendar, but does my boss pay any attention? Of course not! So at 8:15am yesterday she finally tells me to go ahead and post the entry, I assume not because she’s okay with it, but rather she’s still not okay and frankly just giving up. So, knowing I have not a lot of time to prepare the entry and post, I ask N to take over. I mean, it is his task now, he did beg for this task, he was technically supposed to take over last month but then decided to take vacation over month-end, which is a no-no, and he clearly knows how to post entries. And can you believe that he refused to prepare and post the entry, claiming it was still my task this month, and besides, he didn’t want his name attached to an entry he didn’t understand. WTF. Yeah, I had no words. As if I didn’t dislike him enough, now I really did. So I prepared and posted the entry, and cancelled another therapy appointment very last-minute. I was beyond annoyed.

Fast forward to roughly 1am this morning, Friday. I woke with terrible stomach cramps. Not like period cramps, but just a stomach ache. I was sweating profusely as well… Like over-heating. And then I proceed to experience awful diarrhea, and my body decides, at the same time, it needs to throw up. Two awesome things at once. I crawl back in bed, no longer sweating, to find both Eric and Kona, snoring away. And yes, of course I wake Eric and tell him I’m sick. He asks me how many times I’ve thrown up, once, and he tells me I’m fine and rolls back over. Some help he is.

I woke this morning for work around 5:30am, my usual, and still felt icky. Not like I’m going to throw up, but like I need to lie down. I highly considered calling into work sick, but it’s a Friday, and I feared my team would think I’m faking. And we have a meeting at 10am to discuss the entry which made me miss my appointment yesterday. And God forbid N take some initiative and explain it, since he was supposed to be paying attention when we created it!

And of course, now that I’m here and wanting to leave early to crawl into bed, that meeting was moved to 2:30pm today. Of course.

And on top of all that, I emailed my therapist and asked that she cancel all future appointments. As much as I like seeing her, and value her advice, the stress of holding the appointments is more than I want to bear right now. I feel too guilty cancelling on her last-minute, which seems to be happening more and more lately. So for now, I suppose this blog is my therapy.

8w0d

I realize I haven’t written nearly as much lately since we found out we’re pregnant. I guess it’s a combination of feeling sick, tired, and just altogether icky. And not much is happening day-to-day. I mean really, the highlight of last week was my new iPhone arriving in the mail, and I doubt many of you want to hear about that! I have noticed my house is a tad on the dirtier side lately, another effect of pregnancy? The vacuum cleaner is still sitting in the living room, where I left it last weekend after vacuuming, assuming it would be needed again. That’s a normal place for it, right?? And I can’t even remember when I did laundry last. I guess that’s a task for tonight.

A huge thank you to everyone who shared advice and words of wisdom regarding my request for part-time status at work, it was truly, truly appreciated. Sadly to say, I’ve decided to stay full-time. Sadly because I really was looking forward to my afternoons off to tend to personal matters, such as rental property, building our new home, moving, baby appointments, etc. Such is life though. I’m able to work full-time, so I might as well be here earning money to spend on our little one. Maybe at some point before June 1st it will make sense to just quit altogether, we’ll see.

So how did it all play out with my boss? I did end up calling an HR representative, without my boss knowing. I felt I deserved to know how this all works from a 3rd party’s perspective, if you can even consider a random HR rep a 3rd party. The rep I spoke with on the phone pretty much confirmed what my boss had told me, that if I wanted to go part-time I’d need to agree to be reclassified as a temporary employee (no benefits) to enable my team to rehire and train quickly. Basically my boss had claimed it was a business need for my position to stay full-time and thus her being allowed to hire another part-time person to pick up my ‘slack’. It’s all pretty ridiculous to me though, as one of the main reasons I requested part-time was out of boredom in my role. What the heck work would I give this other part-time person??

I was able to verify with the HR representative that I can stay as long as I wish. He said my department has proven my position is necessary full-time, and therefore my boss isn’t allowed to request I leave at any certain time, meaning I can give my notice when I see fit. Based on this information, I felt it was just best to stay in my role, not making any changes to my hours. My biggest fear is being let go once I’m classified as temporary, as it’s my understanding temporary roles here are not guaranteed for any length of time. As much as I wanted my afternoons off, I’m not willing to give up ALL benefits and stability.

Last Friday I mailed the first check to our builder, $1,000 for him to get started on floor plans. He has a fairly good idea of our likes and dislikes, so I’m anxious to see what he comes up with. I obviously expect changes to be needed, but I trust he’ll show us something amazing soon. And just this morning I confirmed with our realtor that we want to make an offer on a lot, so that’s exciting too! Things are starting to take shape, moving to Cedar Falls is starting to feel quite a bit more real!

And lastly, why do I feel like an impostor in these maternity pants? Like I don’t belong, like I’m trying to wish this pregnancy along, pretend it’s happening when it isn’t… Does anyone else feel that way? It’s the same reason why I haven’t really bought anything for the baby yet, as the fear is still there that this is all just waiting to be taken away from me, again.

Part-time Status – Another Update

I talked with my boss after she met with HR. Supposedly I’m allowed to go part-time now, or soon, but my boss still wants to hire my replacement soon. That said, I’d be allowed to stay working part-time until May as long as I agree to be reclassified as a temporary employee whenever my replacement starts work, my boss estimated February or March. Temporary means NO benefits.

I’m confused and angry. And frankly very distrusting of my boss right now. I get she has to look out for the team, but we don’t need my replacement hired now, as I’m bored and can still complete all my work part-time.

I’d like to speak with the HR rep alone, but I fear my boss would feel I went behind her back. But how do I know this is my only option if I want part-time? Maybe she is just telling me I have to go temporary so she can rehire sooner…

I fear asking for part-time was a huge mistake. If going temporary is my only option than I’ll stay full-time. Ridiculous they’d rather me sit there bored though. That’s a government job for you I guess.

Ugh.